My son crafted his first Jack-o-lantern today, and I wasn’t part of it.
I wasn’t a part of it because I was sleeping. I wasn’t part of it because I’m dealing with some health/mental health issues and taking care of myself. It would be so easy for me to beat myself up for this. What kind of mom am I to not be a part of this? Certainly not a good one thats for sure.
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As I lay here in bed, I am working to deconstruct where these thoughts come from. There are many different places, but one path is very clear.
It takes a Village
You will hear me rave about my mom and family quite a bit. Today my mother drove an hour and a half both ways, to take my kids to a pumpkin patch, playground, and home to carve the pumpkin by herself. From start to finish, she did everything for getting the Jack-O-Lantern set up. I didn’t do much other than send her a few ideas of where to go.
The truth is, my mom is probably the only person outside of my husband I would be willing to let do this. I may let someone take parts of it, but most likely would arrange everything ahead of time with specific instructions so it was as easy as possible. It has nothing to do with me wanting to have that moment with my child. It has everything to do with how I should be as a mother and the vulnerability of letting someone else in to do something part of that duty.
I keep seeing the phrase, “it takes a village to raise a child.” I’ve read commentary about how this really doesn’t exist like it used to for many societal reasons. The United States is an individualistic culture, with a heavy emphasis on individual personal responsibility. This permeates in places that we don’t realize, to our detriment. I think this is especially true for mothers, we have been shown the expectation of a mythical being that is a mother. She can do everything, take care of everyone, and look amazing doing it. She only gives, does not take, and does so happily.
In order for me to let someone in and help, I have to show them that I am not meeting that expectation as a mother. I have not met my personal responsibility. I am a failure, and probably a bad mom.
How can I have a village to support me, if I never let them see me need anything?
Letting ourselves have a Village
Probably doesn’t help that my mother, to me and many people, is that mythical mother being. Part of her being that mythical goddess, is knowing she loves me unconditionally. As a people pleaser, all I’ve ever wanted is to know I’m needed and loved. If I let other people see me needing help, let alone ask for it, they will see a reason not to need or love me. Their opinion of me will lower. With my mom though, I know no matter what she loves me. She also loves my kids the same way.
To be totally honest, I do not have a solution or wise wisdom to give here. Maybe as we all continue down this road together I will be able to impart a take away of what to do. For now I am going to just pose some questions, for me and you:
- How can I let other people show up and help me?
- What if they do think less of me? What will that actually change?
- What will I be able to gain from taking this leap?
Another big blocker for me is the idea of taking too much. At what point will people become resentful for being my village? What if I take too much? As usual, this concern says way more about me than anyone else. I need to be able to trust that those around me will be honest with their capabilities, and let me know when it is too much. I need to model that behavior so I don’t feel like I am always giving, to become nothing – like the Giving Tree which is a horrifying example of this. I know that will upset someone, but, I mean come on, it is a real rough message from the tree perspective.
Let’s Be Clear
I am not a bad mom. My children are amazing, and a big part of that is because I am their mom. This doesn’t mean that they are perfect, nor does it negate anyone else’s children or parenting or the enormous part my wonderful husband plays. I do not pretend to be a parenting expert, I just know that I am doing what I can to raise my children to be happy, productive, and fulfilled members of our society.
Giving my children a village creates support for them AND me. One of my dear friends used the phrase, “another safe adult,” when it comes to who she hopes to be in my children’s lives. By relying on her and other people outside of my husband and I, I am giving them another resource.
While I know this primarily focused on building a village as a parent, I can also see how this expands way beyond just parenting but living life in general. By letting other people in and helping, we are creating a web to lift ourselves but also others to build their network.
I hope you join me in letting yourself have a village. I also hope for the Mddl to become a village we can all use to lift each other up.
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