The word lazy haunts me. 

The problem is that my brain says it to me over and over again.

Negative Self talk has always been a difficulty of mine. I’ve read the books that are supposed to help me. I’ve worked with wonderful therapists who have tried to help me see and improve where it is happening. Not only that, but I’ve had friends unprompted tell me that there is no way that I am lazy and literally have urged me to not put it in my writing because it isn’t true. 

How do you get rid of an internal voice that won’t seem to go away? This is the current issue that I am working through. And, I have to be honest, this middle is feeling very messy and uncomfortable.

Trolls playing to type

In my journey to making the Mddl more visible, I’ve been posting to social media about it. I’ve always been a pretty closed off person with my own social media, completely locking it down to just friends and family when I had my kids, so I could share them and respect their privacy. This dipping my toe outside that bubble has been both fun and terrifying. I had my first trolls, and guess what they commented on, my video about lazy.

One of them tried to tell me that my current health problems were not one excuse for me to let it run my life and if I let it get into my day-to-day life then I was lazy. I pushed back and after a few exchanges, he then tried to give me basic medical advice, even though I had stressed that I was already actively working with doctors. Like he was going to give me the magical tip to drink more water. The other one just said, “Ur lazy,” which genuinely made me laugh very hard. Because judging me for being lazy while not being willing to type you’re, was just gold.

I say this to not feed the trolls or make you feel bad for me, but to point out – these are also the voices in my head! One over rationalizing and trying to make me feel bad with the basics of information, and the other just spouting insults because I am an easy target.

What is Lazy?

I’ve begun to wonder what it means to be lazy because I think the different standards for laziness are just astronomical. If I deem something not worth the time it takes for the outcome, is that lazy or being strategic? If I value something less than someone else and don’t put the effort in, am I lazy?

For me, not doing something that I know I “should” do is lazy. It is also where things start to get dicey because, “should” is another bad word for me. It is also quite nebulous. Who gets to determine what I should do? What makes it the right thing? Is it a moral imperative, societal imperative, one for my and other’s health and well-being? Decoding these shoulds and then figuring out what is valid or not is hard work, but something that I am truly trying to do.

Extenuating circumstances and additional factors outside the “should” need to be factored in as well. I am currently battling my body to just function right now. I physically can’t do some things because my fatigue is so great, or because I will actually pass out. Does that make it more valid than in the past when I had anxiety or depression that made it so hard for me to do a task? I don’t think so, but I have a feeling there are quite a few people out there that would think so.

I can only imagine what some of you who are reading this are thinking, especially family members who I know don’t go through the same struggles I do. You see, my family is full of phenomenal doers who make things happen. This kind of waffling about what should or shouldn’t be done is ridiculous and not productive.

Friends, I did it again. That was me rationalizing and beating myself up but being sneaky about it disguised as what my family members may think. My brain is so sneaky!

So what?

My guess is that if you’re sitting there telling yourself that you are lazy, you probably aren’t.

When I worked in academic advising for college students, generally those students who worried about being successful in their classes and later in life, weren’t the ones who worried me. They were aware of their surroundings and knew that their actions and choices were making a difference. Even if they did make a mistake, they could see it and bounce back.

It was those who were completely nonchalant that worried me. They seemed to just think things would happen for them magically and then were surprised when they were on academic probation (PSA – Ds do not get degrees, too many get you on academic probation).

Not that worry always equal results (if so, I would be the richest woman in the world right now), but awareness enables action.

So stop calling yourself lazy. You’re allowed to figure out your shoulds and do what you can with what you have. Other people’s opinions on that are their problem, not yours.

(That last sentence is for me and one that I will try to repeat over and over again).