Providing value is genuinely important to me, as is sharing authentically. However, these two things can often be at odds, and right now they are.
Basically I hate any idea of “providing value.”
Maybe it’s having a hard time getting back into the swing of things, or maybe it’s just a lack of inspiration, but every time I sit down to write, nothing good comes out. I just needed to get something down on paper, so here I am, dictating this because my hands hurt too badly to type. I’m trying to figure out where inspiration, productivity, and value meet. I desire and reach for all of these things, but I can’t seem to grasp them in a tangible way.
Productivity is Great! Right?!
Now, when I cannot be productive how I would like, I will do whatever I can to feel productive. Honestly, that’s how The Mddl started: I didn’t feel productive, so I started producing writings on my thoughts and feelings. But now that that’s the thing that I want to be productive doing, I can’t seem to do it.
Instead, my productivity is coming out in other ways, like attempting to re-caulk my own bathtub (which I think I did, but I’m not sure if I did it well), or crocheting a giant bag that turned out to be too giant, or a bag that’s turning out to be too small. It is a funny tangible aspect of me struggling with the middle.
I am realizing, these projects are productivity without inspiration.
What about Inspiration?
I’m starting to recognize that when I have these moments of no inspiration, it means I should probably rest.
Human design, as I’ve mentioned before, says that I am what is called a Manifestor. Manifestors are here to initiate action and inform others of what they’re doing. They don’t have a steady input of energy, and this is something that I’ve always faced. I never feel like I can meet productivity guidelines because I have spurts of energy and inspiration.
I do think this means something for The Mddl.
I’m starting to think about how to continue to share my middle while bringing other voices in authentic and easy ways. There are aspects of my personality and being that I don’t feel are truly coming through in The Mddl. You’re not able to see the silliness that I often have, or how I really approach life with a sense of humor.
I do think you got an glimpse into it more and more with my Women Who Made Me series, because I was able to be comfortable and talk in an authentic, natural way. There was some magic in it.
So… Non-Inspired Productivity is Productive?
So, I’m in a non-productive place, but I’m starting to recognize that it is productive.
Stay with me – it has forced me to take a step back and think about what inspires me, and about how I use that inspiration to share with others.
Rest is productive, and the rest that I have been taking the past couple of weeks has been frankly vital to my essence and being. Even though I would love to, I don’t think I need to or should put an end date on that rest, but instead just start to look at the rest as an opportunity to see the landscape. And of course, appreciate this weird middle I’m in.