There are two truths that I am currently struggling with. They are not necessarily mutually exclusive, but in the way that I see them, they are.
The Mddl is all about figuring out how to hold more truths at once, finding the grey area, and getting cozy there. So here we are, friend, with the question:
How can I be consistent and reliable while also accepting and honoring my own energy?
Let’s break it down.
Consistency and Reliability
This weekend, I told my husband I was scared to do almost anything outside of our house and the scope of my little slice of life that I have curated.
I have always valued being a consistent and reliable person. When I say I will do something or be somewhere, I get it done or get myself there (on time, thank you very much). I want to be that for people, and I want to be that for myself.
On top of that, the most common advice when it comes to building a business (specifically in podcasting, writing, social media, etc.) is consistency. That if you are consistent and continue to produce, people will be able to find you, and you will be laying the foundation for growth. Consistency will not guarantee growth, but it is a necessary foundation for it to happen.
I do not want to make a commitment and let someone down. I do not want to set myself up for failure when it comes to this project I am building.
Accepting Myself Where I Am
I am sure you are tired of hearing it by now, but in case you did not know, I am chronically ill. With what, we still do not know, but I am happily taking a little break from making it my mission to have a title to call it. For now, I am trying to manage where I am and find happiness here.
In finding that happiness, I need to accept that my symptoms are unpredictable. I need to accept that, for some reason, my fatigue seems to be increasing again.
Finding happiness also means figuring out my priorities. This has meant putting more of my energy behind home tasks and my family, instead of The Mddl. I think the loss of a full-time job was such a shock to my system that I poured as much as I could into that bucket. I am proud of what I have created, but I also recognize that I need that focus to be better allocated.
Energy and inspiration are not consistent resources for me. And I work best and happiest when I do it when they are naturally there… not when I push so hard to have something.
The Clash
Being consistent and reliable seems diametrically opposed to accepting myself. Success in one seems to mean failure in both.
This probably is not completely true (okay, yes, it is not true, I get it).
Here’s the thing – I do not think this is interesting for you all. I also think… whoa, this is super serious!!! Where’s my joy?!
As I write this, I realize that it probably means a bit of a change in the editorial/posting schedule of The Mddl. With No Shame in The Home Game coming in a few weeks (new podcast, take a listen to our trailer), that is probably a great idea because you are going to be getting the same amount from me.
Here’s the thing, I feel like I am letting us both down… but at the end of the day, I have to be okay with it.