Living In The Wait… In The Middle with Melissa Vande Kieft

Welcome to sharing the middle of we're recovering perfectionist

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overachievers, and anyone in the middle

of a struggle come together to learn,

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to embrace the messy middles of life.

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I'm Lacey, your friend in the middle and

guide whose claim to fame this week is

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allowing myself to rest when I need to.

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I'm feeling real proud of that.

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I know I talked about that in

the mini episode last week, but.

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Go me.

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I'm really excited for today's.

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Episode, because you'll find that

Melissa and I have so much in common.

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When it comes to just the fact

that we are thinking about.

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The middle or for her

living in the weight.

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It's very similar.

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And so it's just so exciting to talk

to somebody else who gets it and.

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Is, as invested as you are.

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She's also so lovely and I'm

really proud of our conversation.

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You are going to be hearing more from

me and Melissa in the coming weeks.

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I decided that since we do have so

much to talk about when it comes

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to waiting in the middle, we're

going to do some topical episodes.

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In place of like traditional mini episodes

where we kind of pick a topic and talk

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about how it relates to the middle

or the weight and that kind of stuff.

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Without further ado, let's jump right in.

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Well, welcome Melissa.

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I just first want to say

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that you and I have

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rescheduled multiple

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Okay.

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Lacey: And they have always been

giving me so much grace when I need it.

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And I really appreciate that

because life is chaos right now.

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And, it made me give myself

grace and I cannot stress that

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enough, how wonderful that is.

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good.

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Well, you know what?

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I knew that it would happen

when it's supposed to, right.

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We would get the timing figured

out and you know what now is when

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the message needs to get out.

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And so it's, I think it'll be

even more powerful, I think.

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Right.

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Like now that it's here

and we're ready, so

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Lacey: absolutely.

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Well, why don't you introduce yourself

to our listeners and, kind of how

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we got connected, cause I love.

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That we have a very similar focus and,

are coming at it from different angles.

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And I'm just, yeah, I'm really

excited to talk to you today.

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I'm excited to talk to someone else

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who loves talking about this topic.

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Right.

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Cause most people, maybe you're like,

Oh, can we talk about something else?

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Well, my name is Melissa.

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And so really why I'm here today

is I'll share a little bit about.

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Why I got started on this

journey is because of a season

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of waiting that I navigated.

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And, I'll share a little bit more

about it, but I just became really

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curious about that time in our lives.

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and when we want something, it doesn't

happen on our timeline or it doesn't

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even happen period, you know, and just.

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What do we do with that?

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You know, that's really where things

kind of got started for me, but I,

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you know, the bio resume, if you

want to have that, I'm an author.

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So I wrote a book.

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I also do speaking.

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I'm also marketing consultant.

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Those are the things, my day

job that keeps me pretty busy.

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but more than that, anything like I just,

I love having conversations with people.

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I like to call heart level conversations.

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because really that's where

we get to know people truly.

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And just helping people feel safe, right?

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When we have those conversations,

because I know I've had so many people

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in my life that allowed me to do

that, and I'm just grateful for that.

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I love having those conversations.

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I love to ask questions, too.

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It's a little bit about me.

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I love thank you notes.

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love being in the outdoors

as well in college sports.

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and so those are some of the things

that keep me busy from that perspective.

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but just really excited to, To

have this conversation, this topic

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waiting the middle in between, right?

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We can all kind of call it something.

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but it's just, that's

really what my passion is.

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And I feel like I'm called to share

and discuss more with people, and learn

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myself, right, continually learning about

this journey and how we navigate it.

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So that's kind of the bio

one on one, I guess I'll say.

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Lacey: I have a really good question.

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Let's talk about.

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Thank you.

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Notes for a 2nd, you said you love.

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Thank you.

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Notes.

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What is it that you love about?

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Thank you.

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Oh my gosh, both.

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I love writing them, because

I love the thought process of

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you know, like tying them back

into when you met someone, right?

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So I'll spoiler alert, I'm

gonna send you a thank you note.

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Lacey: now.

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Edge of my seat.

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so I just love writing them because it's

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so fun when you, you make a connection

with someone and when you write them

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a little note and you can kind of,

you know, maybe it was something that

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was shared during your conversation.

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and then I love too, because I know

on the receiving end, I know that

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the person appreciates it because

I know how much I appreciate it.

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because I know it takes

time for someone to.

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thoughtfully, write a note, take

the time to send it and mail it.

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and so I just think it's a, a

practice that is very beneficial.

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I kind of grew up that way.

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So I just kind of transitioned

to continually doing it.

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and plus like stationery is fun.

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So when you find new Paper or something

like it's just this cool feeling

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of Oh, I've got this new paper.

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And, maybe some of it comes

from I love to journal.

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So I've always loved like writing, with

more with my hand than like typing.

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so that could be some of it too.

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So I, they're just

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Lacey: I just

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ask because I think thank you notes are

such an interesting, little microcosm

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of how, people and expectations.

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So like the idea that you have to

like, there's this idea that you

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have to write a thank you note for

this, and this, you have to write

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it in a certain amount of time.

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And I personally.

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Don't like those.

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Thank you.

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No, it's like those frustrate me so

bad because I want to receive a thank

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you note when it feels really genuine.

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and not because.

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You gave me a wedding gift

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Oh,

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Lacey: and, you know, that kind of

thing, now, granted, don't get me wrong.

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One of my aunts, well, great aunt

actually told me I wrote her one of the

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best thing, you know, she's ever gotten.

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And I was like, that is the

compliment of my life that I

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will continue to tell people.

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But I just, I find it a really interesting

thing as, because I'm a person who

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loves gratitude and I love talking to

people and I'm very effusive with my

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words, but I get a little tense around.

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Thank you notes because I hate

the expectation surrounding them.

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what you just said, I'm like,

yes, in that sounds amazing.

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You know what I

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mean?

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But there's just this thing

about, then there's also like the.

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There's just also sometimes this

weird, well, they sent me a thank

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you note for this and then I'm like,

now I feel like I have to thank them.

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And it's just, Yeah.

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Yeah, I'll put sometimes in cards,

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like I'll put no thank you note,

like I put that in stuff before.

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So exactly what you're saying.

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So people know Hey, I don't expect

you to send any thank you note.

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You know, I never used to do that,

but I saw someone else do it.

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Maybe it was in reference to me to

something they gave me and I was

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like, Oh, now I don't have to wonder.

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Lacey: Because it's just so much better

when it's genuine and when it's oh, I

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wanted to sit down and write you this.

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Now There are some things to for

my baby shower for my son, we

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didn't have me like open up all

the gifts in front of everybody.

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Cause I find that very awkward to be like,

here's a thing that I told you I wanted.

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And then you.

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bought it for me and

then brought it to me.

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I just, the concept of it, but because

we didn't do like the whole thing of it

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all, I sat down and those thank you notes

felt more genuine to me because I had

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that like moment with that thing and then

I could actually sit down and tell them.

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What that meant and that kind of thing.

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So we still displayed them for everybody.

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Cause I know everybody likes

looking at them, but I hate like

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for owning my wedding showers.

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I was always just this is,

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from the registry,

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right?

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Lacey: really excited about it.

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We all knew I wanted it.

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is an interesting piece of that

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though, of that expectation, and

then how that can maybe adjust,

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like, how genuine something is.

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Lacey: Yeah, absolutely.

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well, I know that you think

a lot about the middle.

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But I would love for, you know, our

listeners to hear about, what you

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first thought of, slash how we came to

find each other as two people who are

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interested in that similar concept.

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Yeah, definitely.

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I'll start with the shorter answer one.

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And so really, yeah, we

connected on like social media.

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So I love, I mean, I've met so many

great people through social media, heard

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so many other people's amazing stories.

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And someone else I

followed online, Amanda.

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She had done a podcast

with you and followed her.

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So then I saw, learn more about you

and your messaging and all that.

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And so one of my life mottos

is don't ask, don't get.

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And so I never had met you.

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You didn't know who I was, but I'm

like, you know, I'm just going to

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ask, I'll introduce myself, see if

she needs anybody on her podcast.

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and.

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And then we were like, sure, let's talk.

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So I mailed you my book and then we just

kind of had a conversation that way.

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And so I think it's been really cool

when, you know, I know social media can

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have many negative side effects to it.

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but I think when you genuinely, you

know, are connected with people and

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ask and have a common, you know,

something in common, I think that those

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conversations can be really beneficial.

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So that was kind of how we met.

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And I got that conversation

started, but my story of the

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middle, really began because of a

time of waiting to have a family.

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So that was really what, if

you want to pinpoint the thing,

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what were we waiting for?

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but it was to have a family, but

really the story behind really

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living in the weight and how that

all got started was my husband and

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I, we were outside doing yard work.

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we have seven full grown trees

on our property, so we have tons

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of yard work that we have to do.

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And it was in the fall and so

it was just outside picking up

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sticks, doing some yard work.

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And I just remember.

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You know, people driving by

probably thought nothing of

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what we were doing, right?

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But on the inside, there was a lot

going on in my head and my heart.

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And so this whole time I was picking

up these sticks, like I was just

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pleading and begging with God.

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And I was really trying to get

him to help me understand why.

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Really, I was living a life that

wasn't going according to my plan.

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Right.

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I wanted to be a mom and

it was not happening.

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And at that point in our journey, we were

two and a half years in to that process.

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waiting is waiting, whether it is a month.

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Or 10 years waiting is

just, it's hard, right?

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It was my weight.

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That length of time was a

long time for me to navigate.

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And what kind of shifted was this

whole time I'm doing this, right?

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Like I'm having this internal dialogue

with my head and my heart about

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what's going on and this just why

things aren't happening and you know,

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why he'd be, why he would withhold

this from me, that sort of thing.

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And all of a sudden, like my, these

questions I had really turned,

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like this pleading and begging

turned to questions of hope.

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really is what I noticed.

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And I asked him, I said,

how do I continue living?

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While waiting for my heart's desire and

he told me he said I want you to live

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in the wait And I remember that moment

like I just got goosebumps because I

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know exactly where it was not in my

yard I remember just when that happened.

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I was like This is something

bigger than myself.

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I didn't know what it meant.

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I had no idea what would happen.

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I didn't have a five year plan, which,

you know, typically I map everything out.

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because I'm just a planner, a scheduler.

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I love having things to look forward to.

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but I knew in that moment Something was

going to happen like a seed was planted,

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with this idea of living in the wait.

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And you know, with that journey,

it continued on, you know, there's

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really 2 sides to that story.

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I guess this new idea was born, right?

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This new idea of living in the weight.

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And I remember feeling like.

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When that had happened, it just felt

so kind of ironic that I didn't have

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my desire yet, which was to be a

mom, to be pregnant, but like this

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new thing had birthed in me, right?

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I had this new life that was growing,

this idea of living in the weight.

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And started a blog.

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I had no idea how to do any of that.

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Figured it out, right?

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I think when you have something

that you feel so passionate

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about, you figure it out because

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Lacey: Yeah.

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want to, right?

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I just felt so pulled and called to

be like, I need to share this message.

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so started a blog, started just

kind of, you know, I've always had a

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journal, so writing felt very natural.

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You know, it felt really weird

sharing, my deepest, darkest

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secrets with, the internet.

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Felt a little bit different.

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Writing all these blog posts that

were so personal, felt a little

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oh, okay, this is interesting.

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but I mean, it was amazing.

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I mean, amazing to see the response,

like, when I started sharing our story a

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little bit more, and just kind of what we

were navigating and everything like that.

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and so it is, it's really.

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it's so humbling, I think, when you

do share your story because it gives

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other people permission to share theirs.

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And I just could not believe the

outpouring of people who were like, Oh

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yeah, we navigated infertility as well.

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We navigated that, you know, cause at

the time that was what our weight was.

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I've had many more since then and we

can talk about those later, but that

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was really the one that started it all.

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And so that side of things got

started where I started having

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a blog and I knew from the day.

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This idea of living in

the way it got started.

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I knew a book would be in the future.

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I just didn't know when,

what that would look like.

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but that happened, got

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And it's just been really cool

to see, and share that message

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a little bit more with people.

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you know, living in the wait is really,

if you would go to my website, it's

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really, I'd say, it's turned into a

resource, really, with my book and the

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speaking that I do, just talking about

waiting and, like, how can we navigate it?

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Because that was really, I guess, some

of my questions, because the whole

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time this was going on, these two and

a half years, it was just this cycle.

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I was angry and bitter and...

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just disappointed and frustrated.

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And those are all natural things to feel.

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but that was like all

I was feeling, right?

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that was my life.

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And I knew there had to be a

better way to navigate the weight.

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I just, I knew there had to be, you know,

and that's really when things switched

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when I was like, okay, What we do instead,

or what we can do alongside, I should say,

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is really we can live in the wait, right?

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That is our other option that we can

do when we're well, what else can I do?

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Well, we can live in the wait.

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And I talk more about that in the

book too, but, that really is kind

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of where that all got started.

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and we continued on our journey to,

try and have a family, but I knew for

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myself, things felt different after that.

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We still didn't have our desire yet.

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I mean, I was still walking in the

middle, for sure, but things just felt

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different because I didn't have, I would

say this, I didn't have hope because

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I knew I was going to get my outcome.

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Okay.

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Cause I think

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often in the middle, and I know that

for myself, so I'm preaching here too,

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but I think often like our hope is

well, I'm going to get what I want.

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So then that's what my hope is.

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I didn't know that.

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I had no idea what was going to

happen, but I feel like I had this

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new purpose or calling, that kind

of just shifted things for me about

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how you walk through that time.

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you know, of course, I

wanted that outcome, right?

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I mean, I don't want to dismiss that

at all for anybody, but it just.

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I think everything was put in that outcome

for me that I couldn't see anything else

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that was happening in the in between time.

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Lacey: Yeah, well, I think, first of

all, I think the listeners right away

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probably are like, Oh, I know why

Lacey's really excited to talk to you.

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And spoiler alert, we're actually going

to have more conversations about, you

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know, the way in the middle, because

we have such a similar, Feeling of like

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discontent with it, but trying to figure

it out that I think, one, I'm just glad

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somebody else was like, this sucks.

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I'm not figure it out.

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And I'm going to help you all to,

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Exactly,

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Lacey: uh, but I do think it's really

interesting to, to think about,

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this idea that sometimes when you're

waiting, or when you're in the middle.

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There's the known outcome

and not known outcome.

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sometimes.

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I use my pregnancy as an example of I

knew I had very difficult pregnancies.

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I had gestational diabetes.

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I threw up all the time.

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It's just, it was not a good time of

life for me, but I knew I was going

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to not be pregnant at some point.

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And but then I, now I'm in my,

chronic, I have a lot of chronic

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health issues and that kind of stuff.

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And I don't know what the outcome is.

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And it's so interesting

how each has its own.

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Challenges, right?

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So like it's a little bit easier for

me now in my chronic health to look

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around and be like, well, I don't

have an answer, but I can figure

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out how to live my life right now.

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Right?

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Whereas when I was pregnant, it was

almost like a little bit more anger

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of I just got to get through this.

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I just, you know, so I just, I think it's,

I had never really thought about that

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before, how the outcome, whether you know

it or don't know, it can really change.

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your relationship with

the metal or the weight.

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yeah, that's so true.

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And I think it's because you

know, it's going to end, right?

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And so I think what you were saying

is it's almost well, I've got my

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expiration date and I'm just going to

like kind of rush through or like you

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said, kind of gloss through it or just

kind of get through it kind of thing.

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Where, yeah, if you don't know,

I think you do approach it a

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little bit differently because.

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Yeah, you have no,

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Lacey: because you have what you

want, you know what you want, you

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don't know if you're going to get

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yeah, exactly.

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And, you know, I think there's

some of that too with the unknown

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and known Like, how you prepare

for it, too, I think, right?

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I think it's easy when you know

you're gonna wait, I think you can

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prepare differently and mentally.

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for example, this is a silly example,

I'd say, but, like, when you go for

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Thanksgiving, the Black Friday, right?

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You know, if you're, and I don't

do this, but, I, I worked at a

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retail store and I actually was

working the day after Thanksgiving.

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And so it was hilarious to watch

all the people come to the store.

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But mentally I knew Hey, if you're

going to go shopping, you mentally

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know, it's going to be slow.

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It's going to take a long time.

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And I think mentally, then you

prepare yourself differently, right?

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Like you can have a better

experience because you were

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mentally prepared in a way.

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Because you knew you were

going to wait in life.

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Otherwise it is hard because we

sometimes we don't know, you know,

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like we have, like for myself,

infertility, having a hard time

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getting pregnant, a lot on my radar.

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So there in the sense of preparation,

there wasn't any because I was like,

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well, this is really unexpected.

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And so sometimes that, that

preparation for us mentally

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goes out the window because we

didn't know it was coming, right?

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Lacey: Yeah.

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Well, and I was reading your book this

morning and there was a quote, that

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you mentioned about infertility and

that you had done everything right.

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You had been doing everything

right for so long with no outcome.

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And I just, I felt that in my soul,

with where I'm at now of But I

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did everything I was supposed to.

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Why am I still sick?

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You know, I mean, that kind of thing.

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And I think that really speaks to

that idea of control and not knowing

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and all these different things.

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And then, you know, before we

started recording, you and I were

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talking about this idea of I feel

like I've always been taught.

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We'll just work harder, and

you'll get what you want.

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But a lot of times, working

harder is not the answer.

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And I think as a fellow type a

person, I'm actually kind of in

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the recovering type a person.

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I trained myself to be a type a person

and I'm actually learning that by nature.

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I'm actually a little bit more.

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Relaxed and then I thought I was,

Which has just been a weird experience,

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but, when you, I also love that

you were an event planner, or I

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don't know if you still do event

planning, but I'm just like, oh,

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event planners are the most, yes.

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There's every detail you've got to know

everything and, you know, there's going

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to be something unexpected, but you're

going to think about as much as possible.

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So there's not, you know,

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and so that relationship

with control and waiting and.

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Oh, cause I just think it's so messy.

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Oh, yeah, definitely.

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And I think, you know, we often maybe

don't understand it until we're in it.

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Right.

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Like I've been living my whole life that

way, where I've always tried to be in

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control and I've had situations in my life

where I had waited or that kind of thing.

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But like you said, I think most of the

time I figured out somehow a solution

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came to be that it was just like, okay.

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You know, but then this was really like,

I mean, whether I call it a mountain that

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I really experienced for the first time.

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It was like, I didn't have, I

didn't have anything to climb it.

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I didn't have the right mindset.

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I didn't have the right equipment.

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I didn't have the right

people alongside me.

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None of that.

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Right.

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And I mean, that totally just

Kind of puts up, I mean, just

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kind of crashes everything down

because you don't know what to do.

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Right?

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Like you have no idea.

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and then, yeah, when you're kind of

told, there's an answer to everything

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or you can just figure it all out,

push harder, push through that.

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And then that doesn't work

and you're still waiting.

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It's well, what do I do?

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Right.

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And I think that's where it's

hard because it comes down to,

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to like that outcome, right?

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Like us as a world,

we're so outcome focused.

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So a lot of times it's just well, I just

want to get from point A to point B.

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And I am totally like that.

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that is me.

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I realized that doesn't happen that way.

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And so it's well, then now we, what

are those tools and things we could do?

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Because that's the reality of it.

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continue to be the reality

of all of our lives.

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Lacey: Whether we like it or not.

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Yeah, I didn't write that truth, right?

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I don't share that to like, scare

people into what their future is,

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because I think people when they first

kind of are brought into this topic

456

of waiting and they kind of sit with

it and they're like, Oh yeah, like I

457

actually do know and can relate to it.

458

I, you know, I think we're, we find

ourselves on different spectrums

459

of the wheel of waiting, right?

460

Like, where either you're like,

currently in the weight, you're through

461

a weight, you're past a weight, or

I think you just aren't in a weight.

462

Right now, per se, that

maybe you're finding.

463

And so I think you, you navigate

it a different, a little bit

464

differently each way to where

that message hits you differently.

465

I think where you're at or where

you've been, kind of through whatever

466

that weight was, right, that you

were kind of going through or

467

currently in or past it, I should say.

468

Lacey: I know that I shouldn't ask this,

but I do want to ask what the outcome of

469

your, because it sounds like there was

an outcome to your infertility journey.

470

And

471

so some of those things

are like, I want to know.

472

Yeah.

473

Yeah.

474

It was so three years after we started

this whole journey, we were able to

475

get pregnant and had a healthy baby.

476

I mean, that's a whole nother

conversation of waiting.

477

wait, right.

478

waiting to get pregnant and then

you're still waiting to have the child.

479

and so we did to get pregnant, had our

daughter, three years after that journey.

480

And probably what's the coolest part of

this whole story though, is that, you

481

know, I shared with you in the beginning,

you know, I was picking up sticks in my

482

yard when all of this really came to life.

483

And when our daughter was one, which she's

four now, so this was quite a few years

484

ago, but, We'd always go outside, you

know, and she'd wander around our yard

485

and, she'd kids pick up stuff, right?

486

I mean, they pick up everything

487

Lacey: everything

488

,

489

rocks and bugs and leaves.

490

but guess what?

491

Her favorite thing was to pick up.

492

Lacey: Oh, sticks.

493

It had to be sticks.

494

Yup.

495

It was sticks.

496

And so I can't show you here, but I have

so many pictures of her picking up sticks.

497

not even when she was just one,

but since then, like when we've

498

taken family pictures, it's funny

cause she's always had a stick.

499

Lacey: My son's a stick

500

kid, too.

501

I didn't know, I thought he would

grow up, he's the same age, he's four.

502

But I'm just like, Oh, if there's

a stick, he has picked it.

503

up.

504

there is never a stick he

has not wanted to pick up.

505

And that's why when you're

like, what do you think?

506

I'm like, Oh,

507

sticks.

508

My daughter isn't as much, she just

does it, I have a four to two year old,

509

she, the two year old, she does it just

because he does it, but there just was a

510

period of time where we would go outside

and he just would pick up sticks and

511

then you couldn't do anything with the

sticks, he had to have, his collection

512

of sticks by the front door, and

513

you keep everything.

514

Yeah, so we kept her first stick too

because it was kind of like this, you

515

know, it's a souvenir kind of thing.

516

Lacey: yeah.

517

it's just kind of been, I think, a

518

reminder for us just about like living

in the wait and like the importance

519

of when you are waiting, what can we

do during that time to, to navigate it

520

differently to still have it be a time

where we experience that contentment,

521

peace, joy, and you might still be

experiencing that anger, frustration.

522

You know, I think those two

can really live together.

523

But it's really been that

reminder, for our family.

524

And I remember, I think she

was maybe about two and I don't

525

remember what we were doing.

526

And she was like, mom,

waiting is really hard.

527

And I was like, yes, it is so much.

528

And so I, yeah, exactly.

529

And so I think it's kind of interesting

because I do think, that message

530

of waiting is something that needs

to be taught even to our children,

531

because I think we can teach

them how to wait well, and that.

532

Waiting is a part of life and that we

will have to learn to live with it.

533

I think I don't know.

534

I just think it's going to be such a

beneficial thing for our kids growing

535

up, because then they're going to

come into life, you know, getting

536

older when more things can happen and

they're going to understand Hey, okay.

537

this is a part of life.

538

I can be frustrated with it and upset.

539

And I can also live in this.

540

I can make the most of it.

541

It will still matter in my life.

542

I think that will make a big

difference, just for kids.

543

So I think it's important to have

that conversation because that's

544

all we tell our kids, right?

545

For people who are listening.

546

Parent, you're constantly

saying I need you to wait.

547

We need to wait patiently.

548

Like we have to wait for this.

549

Right.

550

So it is a topic that we talk

about all the time with our kids.

551

And it's I mean, we're parenting

ourselves here a little bit too.

552

Right.

553

Oh yeah,

554

Lacey: I'm always parenting myself.

555

Yes.

556

exactly.

557

Lacey: I mean, just when it comes

to, parenting, the biggest thing that

558

I've learned is you really do have

to embody what you want them to do.

559

And so it's been a lot of Oh, I

actually have to do this thing.

560

And I know I'm supposed to do.

561

Right with you.

562

Right.

563

And Oh man, I've learned

564

Lacey: Yeah, it's one of those things

too, where, we're seeing it more.

565

So like my, we told my son, we

don't want to use the word stupid.

566

It's not a kind word

and we like to be kind.

567

and it's so funny cause he is

now the police of that word.

568

And anytime someone says it,

he's Hey, we don't say stupid.

569

And it's you know what, buddy?

570

Thank you.

571

And my daughter will say that

572

too sometimes when I'm asking

her to get ready or something.

573

She's mom, you need to wait.

574

You need to wait patiently.

575

She'll tell me that and I just love it.

576

Like internally, I'm like,

yes, thank you for saying that.

577

cause now you're clearly

understanding it, right?

578

And you are recognizing it.

579

Yeah, I know.

580

Lacey: mine's usually begrudging.

581

I love that you're like, I love it!

582

And I'm more like, ugh, you

little turd, you're right.

583

Ugh!

584

Maybe it's because she tells me to

585

wait and I love that topic, but I'm

like, yes, you can tell me that.

586

Lacey: Well, I do like to give

people, a piece of advice.

587

At the end, I love like a takeaway or

whatnot, whether it's something that

588

you needed to hear or that you've always

lived by, what advice would you give?

589

Yeah, I think what I would say to

590

someone is this, I would say that,

simply stated, whatever it is that

591

you're waiting for, it matters.

592

I, in one, phrase that I've heard that I

kind of adjusted, but, basically know that

593

like your weight, Oh, I forgot now I know

what it is and now I can't remember on the

594

spot, but it's the worst weight is yours.

595

David Kessler actually said it,

that the worst loss is yours.

596

And so I like to adjust it

to the worst weight is yours.

597

and I think why it's important to say

that is because oftentimes I think we

598

can diminish, belittle, minimize maybe

what we're experiencing or feeling

599

compared to another person, right?

600

I think it happens very often.

601

and I just being I hate 1 of my biggest

pet peeves is, getting belittled,

602

getting belittled or having someone

kind of, push down what you're

603

actually feeling you're experiencing.

604

I just.

605

I hate being invalidated.

606

And so I think that can often happen when

you're going through a season of waiting

607

because you've heard it before, right?

608

Well, someone else has it worse, right?

609

And I think we are, oftentimes that

is said to ourselves to help us maybe

610

feel better about our situation.

611

But the truth is that whatever

you're going through, whatever you're

612

waiting, it still hurts, right?

613

Like it, however long it is, it still

hurts and So I just, I, you want, I

614

guess I give those listeners today like

that validation of what you're going

615

through, like your weight matters and

that it's okay that you feel, you know,

616

you know, you have a heart, your heart

is broken over it or disappointment

617

or whatever, over what you're going

through for whatever length of time,

618

because it matters and it's yours.

619

And so that's hopefully what those

listening can kind of walk away knowing

620

is that your weight matters because

the worst weight is always yours.

621

Lacey: Yeah.

622

Oh, I love that.

623

I, someone used the analogy and I

wish I could remember where of, in the

624

pain Olympics, there's no gold medal.

625

we all have our own events and trials

and whatnot, but no one's going to get

626

a gold medal for theirs being the worst

or the best, you know what I mean?

627

We just are doing it.

628

and so I've always, I think That's

really important too, especially when

629

you know, we're allowed to talk about

our experiences, but we're also allowed

630

to put our experience in context of Hey,

I know this, and this about my life.

631

I got it.

632

And I know other people have it worse,

but that doesn't necessarily mean that it.

633

doesn't feel different to me.

634

And then, I had a realization

recently of true gratitude.

635

Isn't about what you don't have.

636

It's about what you do have.

637

So about, it's not thinking about

somebody who has it worse thinking

638

about what you have in good.

639

And I think, These are the little

what's the word I'm looking for

640

the little touch points of moving

away from toxic positivity and into

641

actually being able to be positive and

optimistic in the world in a realistic.

642

And sustainable way.

643

Yeah, definitely.

644

And it starts with, I

think, validation, right?

645

I think a lot of it

646

Lacey: agree.

647

with giving yourself validation, right?

648

and that's where I think that statement

can be powerful of you taking that power

649

back of yeah, this is really painful.

650

This is really hard, right?

651

and giving yourself permission

to have that outside of anybody

652

else having to validate it.

653

And then that can come next.

654

but yeah, often we just, we are

invalidated that we just yeah.

655

Like you said, it's almost well,

I guess it's really not that bad.

656

It's well, no, you can, it

can be okay to say it is bad.

657

So yeah.

658

Lacey: More than one thing can be true at

659

Yes.

660

Right.

661

Exactly.

662

Yeah.

663

I totally believe that too.

664

Yeah.

665

Lacey: Well, where can people find you?

666

and all that

667

so you can go to my website

668

if you'd like to visit there.

669

It's living in the weight

and weight is w a i t.

670

com.

671

So living in the weight.

672

com.

673

you can find me on social media as well.

674

So that's the hashtag or the handle

is living in the weight, all one word.

675

So you can find me, there as well.

676

yeah.

677

and for those.

678

Get my book on Amazon.

679

I've got that linked on my website.

680

Otherwise, they can always sign up to

get the first two chapters of my book

681

for free if they're like, Hey, I kind

of want to just dig into it a little

682

bit more before you buy the book.

683

That's also an option as well.

684

I'd love to just have them dip their

toes in to the message if they're

685

kind of curious about it also.

686

Lacey: Yeah, and we'll have all those

in the show notes and, Melissa and I

687

are going to have more conversations

because it's nice to talk to somebody

688

else who is thinking about the

things that you're thinking about.

689

And we've got a couple ideas for

maybe some topic based episodes

690

that we can do in the future.

691

So stay tuned for that.

692

Thank you.

693

so much for joining me today.

694

you.

695

I can't wait to just continue this

conversation and just hope that people

696

when they listen to this just maybe can,

you know, it'll happen in their own time.

697

Right?

698

If anything we say connects with

someone, it might not be today.

699

It might be 2 years from now.

700

Right?

701

And so what I love to know is just Hey,

we're going to have this conversation.

702

We're going to maybe bring up things

that maybe you've never thought of.

703

Maybe ask different questions

and be curious, but it's

704

definitely about just sharing.

705

Thank you.

706

You know, our perspective on things and

if something hits you and connects like

707

and changes your perspective, right?

708

And brings a positive

experience of, waiting for you.

709

that's a win.

710

I think a win or just a positive, to

know, to share your story, I guess,

711

like that's just humbling to know that

can help someone in their journey.

712

So I'm excited to have more of

those conversations to see what

713

that does for your listeners.

714

Lacey: me too.