Chronically Ill and Off to Paris: A Marriage Celebration

Welcome to sharing the middle, where we share our stories about the messy middles of life.

I am Lacy, your friend, the middle age and guide, whose claim to fame this week is prepping for basically the trip of my lifetime.

And that actually leads really well into a little preface for this episode.

This is actually a re release of one of our previous sharing the mill episodes, and I did it because, as you're listening to this episode, myself and Joe, my husband, who I talked to here in this episode, are on this trip that, frankly, neither one of us really knew was gonna happen.

It was something that got canceled because of my chronic illness.

And then we got to a place where we weren't able to get all of our money back, and then if we didn't book again, we were gonna lose a bunch of money.

So we said, okay, we're gonna do it.

And that trip is happening right now.

I'm recording it before we leave.

This trip for Jo and I is a really big deal because, one, it's the first time that we're away from our kids for a period of time.

Our kids are going to be living their day to day lives with grandparents, and so we're so thankful for wonderful grandparents who show up and are there so we can take this trip.

I've never been a good traveler.

There's a lot of middle in traveling, right?

Like the feeling of being unsettled from one place to the next.

I'm not great with.

There's also lots of deadlines.

I know deadlines isn't necessarily the right terminology, but you gotta be certain places at certain times.

And I do not like being late.

Being late can have some serious consequences when you're traveling.

Travel is hard for me.

And then add on top of that that I am traveling for the first time while chronically ill and while pregnant.

So this trip feels a little bit like a hail Maryland dream pass.

I don't know what the right words are.

And in this episode, Jo and I talk about marriage.

And this trip, for Jo and I, is kind of a celebration of our marriage.

We did it.

We were going to do it as a wedding.

Not a wedding, an anniversary trip.

And then the timing got moved and all that stuff.

I've also sharing, because my hope is by the time that you listen to this, that I'm gonna feel.

How do I.

I love my husband so much.

We have a relationship that I'm very proud of, but all of the things of life get in the way.

And so for a week and a half, my marriage, it gets to be a priority.

And because of all that and because I know people always want more.

Joe, I wanted to rerelease this episode because it just felt timely and like a good idea.

This trip also is me going to Paris for the first time.

I to France.

I've always been, like, a francophile.

I was a weird little kid who took French as soon as I could.

I remember having a book that was 101st words in French.

I blamed eating the beast, beauty the beast, Anastasia, both of those things.

But I took French in high school, into college, and it's finally happening.

I get to go.

And so I am also celebrating that.

So even though I'm a bad traveler, even though I am physically probably not in the best place possible, or I am, I don't know.

Who knows?

Maybe my pregnancy made it easier for me to travel.

It actually might have.

I'm achieving a goal right now, and that is really something special that I wanted you all to hear and know what's happening.

This is a rerelease, like I said from a previous podcast, a conversation between Jo and I about marriage and what that marriage looks like for us and all these different things.

There's advice, there's thoughts, there's feelings, and it just makes me smile.

So I hope it makes you smile, too.

Let's jump right in.

So, welcome back to the podcast, Joe.

I've been advised by my attorney that I should not speak, visit can and will be used against me in the podcast.

In the podcast and or the marriage court of law.

Oh.

I mean, you can edit the episode if you really want.

That's true, so.

But you know that if I edit it, I'm gonna leave stuff like this in specifically on purpose.

I know we both have that stupid sense of humor, and maybe that's our first marriage to stupid sense of humor as your partner.

I mean, I guess it's nice to say, find someone that has that already, but what if they don't?

I don't know.

I think the first thing that I would say, and I say this at the end of my piece that I wrote, is that marriage is a very personal thing and that what you need from a marriage or how your own marriage runs is very subjective to your personal likes, dislikes, wants, needs.

So, I mean, when Alex was on the podcast, she talked about how, like, I see you as my best friend, but Lee isn't necessarily her best friend.

And so I think anyone can come into it with a different viewpoint.

I do think our sense of humor has made our marriage more of a success.

Maybe I need to preface this.

I don't want anyone to think we have a perfect marriage because we certainly have our struggles and our challenges, and there's been a long history of influencers and self help gurus touting their marriages and giving marriage advice, and then their marriages end and you find out they were terrible and all this stuff, and I don't want this to be that.

Anyone who says they have a perfect marriage is lying and hiding something or a lot of things.

Yeah, probably a lot of things.

Probably a lot.

Yeah.

It's the people who are willing to admit that their marriages aren't the best who probably better off.

Especially because a certain level of honesty is very much required.

Even if that's just honesty with yourself.

I mean, yes, honesty with yourself, but you do need to have some level of honesty with your partner.

Well, yes, but you need to be honest with yourself, first of all, in what your needs and wants are.

That's true.

Because if you don't figure it out for yourself, if you don't take the time to truly listen to what you want and need, and you'll just end up resentful of your partner when they don't give you what you haven't even figured out for yourself yet, and that all falls back into what, to me, is a very large point, but I don't want to quite get there yet.

Do you have points in your head that you're counting down?

Well, just one, but you already know it.

Special.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, I will say, and, of course, anything that you don't want to share.

It took us a long time to get to being married because you are a person who likes to have all of your facts and all of your information laid out, and it takes you a little bit longer to make a decision.

But I knew once you asked me to marry you, I was like, oh, this is it.

Cause you made sure you did your due diligence and you picked me.

And so let's do this.

We're in this.

I mean, yes.

Are you saying that you don't think through decisions before you make them and you just jump into things?

No, I am saying that I am a bit of a faster decision maker than you.

Okay.

And by the way, that okay was a mild judgment in that I make decisions.

That's not a mild judgment.

It was very strong.

There's nothing mild about it.

Is the probably right amount between my too short and you're too long?

Yeah.

I mean, yes, somewhere in between is probably the actual correct place to be.

But I will say, though, for me, I was like, boom.

I know that Joe is certain.

He's made the decision.

It's happening, we're going.

So I do think that has a level of certainty, maybe that other people don't have in their marriage.

When I think about our wedding day, I was not nervous at all.

Like, I was like, yeah, I'm marrying my best friend.

I was nervous about details going wrong and, like, the things that we weren't a part of and couldn't control what.

I was nervous about the cake not being delicious, which it was.

So.

An unfounded nervousness.

That's pretty much it.

I know.

I wasn't nervous about any of the stupid songs that I hate.

Cause DJ JD had her back.

The marriage stuff, I wasn't worried about.

Yeah, I mean, like you said, I'd already made the decision, so there was nothing else to think about.

I knew what I wanted.

I think that attitude of focusing in on what is important had been something that has helped us in our marriage.

I will say we don't always agree on what is important.

Generally.

In most ways we do, though.

I mean, it depends on what you're talking about when you say what's important.

If you're referring to just the wedding, yes, of course.

We made sure that the wedding was what we wanted.

Yeah.

It was about us.

It wasn't about anyone else.

There were songs that we said no to.

There were love shack jokes.

We want love shack very much.

No.

There were wedding activities that we didn't want.

We didn't want people clinking their glasses throughout the night, forcing us to kiss, which is just awful.

We didn't want the stupid garter bell situation because it's just gross and there's something so creepy about it.

Things like that we just said no to.

We made it about what we want, not what we're supposed to do, but what we wanted that would make us feel special, which, I don't know, it really helped.

I think that also helped with the nervousness, too.

Yeah.

Not that there was any, but I guess it helped us to not be nervous at all.

Because everything we did was for us.

It wasn't for anyone else.

That's true.

So we picked what was important for us for our wedding.

That was a pretty easy compromise because we both wanted more or less the same thing.

What's important is also can be very different when it comes to values.

Yeah.

So I think one of the things that, before we got married, we were very sure of this.

Cause we took our time getting there.

Not as long as some people, though.

It really wasn't that long of an amount of time.

But, I mean, it was six years.

Like, we mean, but I'd asked you to marry me before we got to six years.

So it was.

It was five.

It was five.

It was five.

That is not that long of a period of time.

Okay.

I know plenty of people who were married or dating for longer than five years who are no longer together.

So not that that's neither here nor there.

We discussed what was important to each of us, and turns out we both have the same values.

And I think that if, in discussing what is important for both parties, if you can't come to some sort of agreement, may not work out.

But it depends on what it is.

Some items are small, some items are big, you know?

Yeah.

And you get to decide what's small and big.

That's part of the process.

And I know you and I have very similar views about the world and our place in it and how we wanted to raise our children and that kind of stuff.

Now, when it gets into the gritty of parenting, all bets are off.

But on the big stuff of parenting.

But that's, first of all, if we were perfectly in sync on everything, that would be boring.

It would be boring.

And our children would also be boring.

And our children are not boring.

Children are very not boring.

They're pretty cool.

They do all right.

But I think it kind of goes back to what I was saying, you and I, a sense of humor is a really big deal for us.

We both have that as a high value in our life of laughter and not taking everything too seriously.

I couldn't imagine being with someone who takes things so seriously.

Yeah, but second, I thought you were gonna really go straight, man, and be like, well, what do you mean?

That would be awful.

Our core values, what's important to us, is in sync.

Yeah.

We both feel the same way about political issues.

We both feel the same way about societal issues.

We both feel the same way about the larger overall parenting issues.

We are somewhat in line on money issues, and I think if we weren't, that wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing.

But you have to decide what are the things that are important to you and make sure that theyre also important to your partner in some way.

Yeah.

If I feel very strongly about womens issues or other aspects of society, and my partner doesnt agree with me, thats not to say you cant have a relationship with that person.

Certainly it's not to say you can't have a long term relationship with that person, but you have to decide how important that is to you.

If women's rights are the most important thing to you, if your partner's not in sync, that's not something you're necessarily just going to get over if it's one of your top values.

Now, if that's low on your list of values, that's probably something you can get over.

And I would also say if those things are very different and they are important, you gotta have some real good communication tools to get over that aren't on the same page on those things.

You gotta figure out how to bridge that gap real good.

Yeah.

Any other marriage thoughts?

Plenty.

We've only discussed one single point so far.

I know.

Are you trying to wrap it up?

No, just technically, it's a mini episode and we're at almost 20 minutes.

I mean, first of all, half of this is gonna be cut out.

It's probably me going into the microphone anyway, so that that's all going to disappear except for what just happened, because I can almost guarantee even if I'm the one editing, that's probably still going to be left in there just because it's super awkward.

And, you know, real quick, it's editing, Lacey.

And as I was editing, I realized, you know, this is a really great stopping point that I actually am going to save the second half of Joe and I's conversation for the mini episode next week.

So come back next week for Jo and I to finish up our conversation about marriage and marriage advice, and we'll just jump right into lacy loves.

Now, are we pausing again?

Thank you.

So our final segment is Lacy loves, where I talk about things that I love this week and really just with kind of thoughts and what's on my mind.

And I'm gonna start with one of the most delightful shows that I've watched in a long time called jury duty.

It is on Amazon, Freevee channel.

I don't know what the right terminology is, but they're free streaming.

I would have thought.

I would have hated it.

I mean, as a matter of fact, in the beginning, Joe was like, I don't understand how you.

Because it could come off, like punked, like very meandeh.

I don't like pranks.

I think often pranks are mean, but.

So the way this show is, is it's all actors who are doing a fake trial, and then there's one guy who doesn't know that it's fake and he is there participating in a documentary about jury duty.

Again, you would think.

You would think that it is mean spirited, but they either picked just the right person or they did such a good job of setting it up for him to be the hero.

And does this man step up to make it lovely?

His name's Ronald, which makes it so much better.

It does actually make the third ears whose name is Ronald.

But I love that he's Ronald and he's like a 29 year old white dude who I would have gone to high school with.

Yeah, yeah, I.

Yes.

But yeah, he is with a cast of interesting characters a la almost like the Officer parks and Rec.

There's even James Marsden acting like James Marsden, the actor.

And it's funny, there's some very outlandish parts by this man.

And they become this little community and this man really starts to love them and he wants to help them and connect with them.

And it is lovely.

It is lovely.

So I watched it all myself.

I made Joe watch it.

I think you have two more episodes left.

I don't know how many are left.

I think.

Yeah, I think he still has two more episodes left.

I'm excited cause the final episode, they do tell him.

So you get to kind of see the behind the scenes and I love some process and that gives.

So the other thing that I.

Well, Joe, do you have any jury duty thoughts before I go on since I've made you watch it?

No, I feel like you covered it pretty well.

Have I made jokes about James Marsden?

Yeah.

Cause people don't know these James Marsden.

It's funny.

Anywho.

What?

You were gonna say something?

No, you'd have to watch the show to get it.

Yeah.

The other thing that I love is kind of a preemptive love.

So I I apologize.

So on TikTok, multiple times now, I have seen people do this hack where they take a vegetable tray and they put it together and put it in their fridge so that it's an easy access point to have vegetables as a snack throughout the week.

And there is something about it just being there in the tray with a dip in the middle that I was like, oh, my gosh.

Yeah, I would totally reach for that.

Joe's, are you not smiling at me?

I mean, I am, but you're absolutely correct.

It just makes it so much more accessible.

So got the vegetable tray today.

We're going to be putting in an order for groceries.

Probably tomorrow.

Next week, I'll update you on how the veggie tray goes.

But I am weirdly excited making veggie tray to keep in the refrigerator to be able to grab snacks.

I was also thinking that I do think it would also be good for the kids, for us.

For dinners for the kids who just have those cut up vegetables on hand as well.

I mean, that was me to you.

They get veggies often.

I know they do, but I'm just saying it's another option.

I mean, in terms of convenience, it'll be nice.

Yes, that's what I'm saying.

Thank you for that validation.

I did link the veggie tray that I got from Amazon.

Cause if you buy something from it, I get like thirty five cents and I will take that.

$0.35.

Heck yeah.

Is there anything that you've loved, particularly this week, Jill?

Anything that could have an Amazon light?

You can pretty sense if something you want to select.

I got kitchen gloves that I'm very excited to use so that I don't.

So that I can handle meat without constantly washing my hands or getting, like, ground beef fat soaked into my skin.

So I'm very much looking forward to being able to make stuff in the kitchen without constantly having to wash my hands and go through that whole mess.

So, yes.

Kitchen gloves.

Kitchen gloves.

There it is.

All right.

Thanks for joining me today, Jo.

It's a pleasure to be here.

You are.

By popular demand, I've had people request bring back Joe.

What?

One person?

One vocal person.

Okay.

Who has brought it up twice now.

Then only one person counts as people.

I had that, but I appreciate if.

It'S more than one conversation.

I think that's a vocal.

Vocal enough, sure.

Thank you so much for joining me in the middle today.

I genuinely have no idea what this episode is gonna end up looking like.

So chew the music.