Something is wrong with me.
Just admitting that something is wrong, is a very difficult thing for me to do. I like to solve a problem before I can even admit to myself that something was wrong. If we can fix it before everyone (including me) knows, we can avoid the messy middle.
I am not being purposely vague, I don’t know what is wrong. I am having several physical and mental health issues that are becoming debilitating for my normal life. Yes, I could list out all the things wrong with me right now and then have everyone do some different diagnoses, but that would miss the point, and you know, I am working with actual doctors.
When you don’t know what exactly is going on, you can’t fix it. Yes, we could attempt to fix the symptoms or side effects, but they will keep coming back. Getting to the root of the problem or issue requires you to sit down, explore, and reflect. That takes time. Which means more time in the middle.
Normalizing Discomfort
I have gotten up to write every day for the past few months. The words have just flowed out of me, and it has been a truly delightful process and part of my day. Today is the first time I am sitting here staring at the screen, not knowing what to type. I am even having some physical side effects, telling me something is happening that makes me uncomfortable.
I could stop writing. I could say this is because this is a bad topic, move on, and not share this at all. If I am being honest with myself, this is just another place where I am attempting to get away from the middle.
My family wasn’t one where you talked about unpleasant things. My mother was a big believer in and taught us, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” While at face value this is a great philosophy and definitely something to consider in today’s online environment where everyone wants to have an opinion, I think I internalized that to a severe and detrimental belief. I created some kind of shortcut around the negative feelings. If something is uncomfortable, avoid it.
This isn’t unique to my family or me, I hear more and more about toxic positivity. I am naturally a positive person, but often wonder if that positivity seems performative or prohibits myself and others from feeling negative feelings. In an attempt to not worry about other people so much, I will confess that sometimes I don’t let myself feel bad feelings. I push them down or, even better, logic them away.
Avoiding or pushing down the feelings or problems does not get rid of them. At work, I heard a leader we were working with use the phrase, “problems don’t age well,” which struck me deeply. We can’t avoid the middle when it comes to problems and feelings. We have to address them and apparently, in my case, talk about them.
How much is too much?
We have all met the over sharer who makes us uncomfortable. I remember checking out at the grocery store, and the person checking me out was giving me a laundry list of all the things going wrong in her life at that point. I had no idea how to respond. I wanted to be empathetic but also, I just need to pay for my cheese.
So, I am sitting here debating about how much to share. I already shared about my panic attack, and how I had too much fatigue and anxiety to help my mother carve pumpkins with my kids. Are we getting to the over-saturation of me sharing? I then realized, I’m doing it again. I am trying to edit out the middle for you all. If I truly want this to be a place where we are vulnerable and address the messiness and murkiness of what happens between the beginning and end, top and bottom, start and finish, we can’t take the avoidance shortcut. We have to tackle it.
This is something that I talk about in therapy quite a bit. I want a prescription of how much I should be worrying about things. I want a to-do list of how to make everything better, everyone love me, and live my best life. It’s just not possible.
Moving away from all or nothing mindset
I see this in our society so much right now. This inability to live in the grey area between extremes. The fact that we can’t let two things, we see as opposites, exist at the same time. With elections next week, it’s ever present of this or that person, yes or no, are you with us or against us.
A great example of this is with Real Housewives franchises (stick with me). First, I love them and am not ashamed of it. I can be both a smart, independent, and cultured woman and love this version of reality TV – both can be true! Anyway, the best and most interesting franchises are those who allow for complexity. Alliances can be ever-changing, a housewife can be best friends with one person while also in a fight with their close friend about a shady Instagram Post. When we get so entrenched in alliances, it is boring and frustrating (looking at you Beverly Hills).
Nuance and complexity is what makes life (and reality TV) exciting. We have to be able to let many things be true at once. I need to not take shortcuts around the unpleasantness, and sit in the tough feelings. I can’t will away my current situation (even though trust me I really tried). I need to sit here in the middle of it, so I can get to the other side.
Thank you for reading The Mddl. Your girl would like to get paid one day so share it with anyone you think would enjoy it.