For a woman who thinks about the middle a lot, I certainly struggle with the concept of moderation. Maybe this is just another reason why I struggle with the middle.
I have always worried about being too much. Like lazy, there is another word associated with this for me – dramatic.
I’m always worried that I am being dramatic. Questioning whether I am reacting the “correct” amount. I want to avoid being too much because that would make me dramatic. When you’re dramatic, people can easily judge you, and that judgement is very scary.
There are a few places where I am too much – I am too loud, too emotional, and too big.
Too Loud
I’ve always been a talker. I want to just sit and chat with the interesting folks around me that I like. My mom has always told me she loves being with me because I am a talker. I fill the space.
At the same time, when I get passionate, I get loud. As an excitable person, it doesn’t take much for me to get passionate. I can’t even tell you the number of times I’ve been told, “Lace, we are at the same table (car, row, room, etc.), you don’t need to yell.”
So, my voice is valued and me filling the space is appreciated, but at the same time, I may fill that space more than desired. Being the people pleasing perfectionist that I am, I never want to make people uncomfortable.
This also leads into another part of being too loud, I have always struggled with – sharing too much. If you’ve been along with me on this journey, you know that I am always worrying that I have shared too much and overstayed my welcome with you.
This also leads to being too forceful with my opinions. It is an interesting dichotomy within me that knows my voice is valued, but also to worry that my voice isn’t appreciated. I believe most women have had the moment where they’ve given a suggestion for it to be brushed off for another person (most likely a man) to say the same thing and get lauded for being brilliant.
Speaking of things that often happen to women…
Too Emotional
With my toddler, we discuss how hard it is to deal with his big feelings. The reality is, I still struggle with all of my big feelings. Before having kids, I was very concerned that I would be a yeller and get angry with them often. Luckily, this has not come to be true, and I have more patience when them than I ever thought I would.
With my current health state, I am still constantly worrying about being too dramatic. I discussed this previously in my What does Positivity look like in The Middle of a Struggle essay. Everyone has an idea of how I should be doing, what I should be doing, and what is wrong with me, but no one has my experience but me. I’m probably being too dramatic about being dramatic (I am so meta).
It most likely doesn’t help that I have one of the most logical, even keeled partners in the world, so all of my emotions look like I am a theatre actress going for her big scene.
I can explain all the logic about emotions and feelings. It doesn’t change my relationship to them. Just like being too loud, I have these opposing forces of being overly logical and overly feeling. They are often at odds within me.
Too Big
Physically, I am too big by our society’s standards. I’ve always been too big. I was born at 10 pounds 5 ounces (one of the many reasons I say my mom is a saint). I’ve tried making myself smaller, and that never seems to work to address the problem.
It’s also an interesting juxtaposition of the other two topics in that, it is the one that is the most obvious about me (like literally, It’s easy to see me), but the one that I pretend doesn’t exist the most with other people. Going shopping with friends was always a torturous event. I knew I would be too big for all the clothes in the stores they’d want to go to. Instead of just addressing the actual issue, I would have some kind of excuse of why I didn’t want to actually get or shop for anything that day, and become a great wing woman for them.
I am typically in a space where my size is not something that impacts my day-to-day life or prevents me from doing things, but there is always a fear that it could. It’s just another way I am too much.
Because of my size, I am more aware of the body positivity movement and health at every size community. I’ve done research to learn more about how size impacts health. The more I learn, the more I realize, just like everything else, that it is so dependent on an individual’s circumstances and make up. This is why a BMI chart is not a prediction of health, it is a mathematical formula.
So, this brings up an essential question…
Who gets to decide?
At the end of the day, I have to wonder, who gets to decide whether someone or something is too much? I am genuinely asking you!
I think we can all have our ideas of it to operate from, but to judge other’s on our lines or standards is just not fair. There are some practical implications for these standards, but most of us are worrying about the minute details that fall well below affecting anyone else.
By that logic, I should think about my standards for loudness, emotion, and size. And if that is the case, I may get a little too loud, but it is usually when I am happy or excited so, I am fine with that. I have already learned how to regulate my emotions enough to be a good mom to my kids, so I am fine with that too. Size is a bit trickier, but as long as I am comfortable in my body, I’m good. And only I get to feel that.
Next time you go to prescribe someone (including yourself), as being too much, I challenge you to consider whose standard you’re using. If it’s yours, theirs, societies, and then base your next action accordingly. If it’s yours or societies on someone else, be quiet (unless they’ve asked for feedback). If it’s yours to yourself, be kind.