My sister Becky and I are letting it all out about being that ‘chaos friend.’ You know, the friend who’s always in the center of a mess? Spoiler alert: I found out I’m one of them! We get into the nitty-gritty of how this realization has changed the way I look at myself and my relationships. We’re diving deep into our personal coping strategies, health hiccups, and how all of this ties into our mental well-being. We also talk about how hard it is to keep our problems to ourselves because of the fear of being ‘too much.’ But guess what? It’s okay to acknowledge our limitations. It’s a struggle to make decisions that don’t end up in chaos, but we’re learning and growing every day. Remember, it’s all about accepting ourselves, managing our anxiety and understanding that we’re not alone in this. We hope this chat brings some comfort to anyone out there who might be a chaos friend or know one.
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Transcript
Welcome to sharing the middle, where we explore the messy metals of life by telling our stories and learning from each other's stories. I'm Lacey, your friend in the middle and today we're continuing. To tell my story through conversation with some of the people in my life. This story is with my sister, Becky. And we talk about being a chaos friend. I tell a little bit about it in the actual podcast, but I want to get, give you some more background. I saw a. Post from the social search engine diem about what to do when you have a chaos friend. Who is. Taking up a lot. Of your life. And I realized, oh no, I am the chaos friend. And I also realized that my sister, Becky has been the chaos friend, my entire life as well, that person, that things are always happening to no matter what. And that Ooh. They're going through a lot and there's only so much you can do that kind of thing. Becky. And I get really deep in this one. And I learned a lot about my coping mechanisms through life. And More ways that I've always tried to make myself small. To be the most palatable version of myself. So it's a deep conversation that I hope you either. Get a little bit more empathy for your chaos friend. Or have a little bit more. Insight into what's going on in their mind. And if you are the chaos friend, we see you. We feel you, my friend. All right, let's jump right in.
Lacey (2):In true Chaos Friend, fashion, we are starting 25 minutes later than our assigned time because we've had to update each other on the chaos that is currently happening live.
Becky:huh. Yep.
Lacey (2):this, episode, the idea of it came from a post That I saw on, Diem, and it's, it was about being the not chaos friend, but having a chaos friend and the friend that stuff just always happens to, and I was just like, oh. I am now the chaos friend like I could go down the laundry list of all of the chaos I've had in the past year. And then I thought, who's my OG chaos friend? It's technically my sister. My sister Becky is my OG chaos friend. And I just thought, then let's talk about it. Let's talk about what it's like to be the chaos friend, why we think we're the chaos friend. and all those different things. So I'm welcoming once again, my dear sister, Becky, to sharing the middle. Hi, Becky.
Becky:I'm gonna try not to yell today. Really hard.
Lacey:You're breaking up a little bit,
Becky:Oh no!
Lacey:Yeah. it literally says Network, is struggling. which I'm just like, yep. Fits
Becky:on
Lacey:on brand.
Becky:Okay. I said I was going to try not to yell today. But.
Lacey:My question for you, Becky, when I asked you to do this podcast with me, your response was to laugh and say, yes, but I'd like to hear a little bit more about that reaction and what you were thinking.
Becky:Said, the idea that you, one day realized you were the chaos friend. And that was like a, ooh, like it's almost like a sting. that you experience when you look in the mirror, when you're like, Oh God, I'm the one always bringing the problem. and so when you said Hey, do you want to talk about that? And I was like, how much time you got? that is something I could talk about in so many ways for so long. But. That was my reaction and that's how I was like, yeah, hey, let's just put it on the table. Let's just put it out there. Why not be vulnerable?
Lacey:Yeah. So I do wanna define Chaos friend a little bit. It's the idea that there, you always have that one friend who something's always happening to, whether or not, I think a lot of people will think of it as they're making it up, but in reality, it doesn't matter. I would argue that I am not making it up. Becky is not making it up. but, that it's just, It's challenging to be that person's friend, and after I read that, I actually sent a video to some of my friends, and I was like, I'm sorry I'm your chaos friend. I, I feel bad when somebody asks me how I am, and I'm like, well,
Becky:I'm here.
Lacey:I'm here
Becky:I'm here is my answer. You said, we're not making it up. We're not making it up. But, we're making it happen in other ways, which is real hard to face. Because that, you have to straddle the line of accepting responsibility of your choices without the shame of, I'm doing this to myself. Because shame itself just brings so, so much chaos that is unhelpful.
Lacey:coming. I do agree with you and we'll talk more about that in a lot of ways. Like I know, especially for me with health, my health, my physical health is very much tinded to my mental health. that doesn't mean, that I'm making it up. It just means it is a huge factor. but then, like last year there was a period of time where it was like our grandma died and then we were moving and then my dog died. And I'm like, Nope. I'm not taking ownership for a start with that.
Becky:are not. And if all of those things happened in one year, nobody would call you the chaos friend. It's all the other stuff that makes you the chaos friend.
Lacey:That is true. I do. But I do. I want you to explain that more because I understand it. I don't know if a listener who's not a chaos friend could understand it.
Becky:I don't know. so you, those things were all outside of your control completely. you guys needed to move. That was just gonna have to happen. grandma dying, completely out of your control. there is absolutely nothing we can do. Pets passing away. I guess the argument there would be like, you could choose not to have pets. I don't know. I would say that it is absolutely worth having a pet and the challenges that come with them. But I think that when I look at some of the things that have come to me and I work backwards to look at where did this start? It certainly starts with a choice that I made and choices that I made to continue those things happening. when I think back to what I called the year that I broke myself, to 2017. Like I go back to 2017 and I'm like, what did I do that year? And I go back and I'm like, Oh my God, it was like every single month
Lacey:see it,
Becky:made a choice to maybe just extend myself just a little more and maybe I shouldn't have. I will say I was, successful and it was like, I'm going to be successful in every way
Lacey:moment.
Becky:I, don't feel bad for wanting to be successful. and I don't think any of those choices individually were poor choices. I think at some point in time I needed to go, wait a minute. And maybe this isn't something I need to take on right now, but I think I was so frantically just trying to do, or really I, what I realized the other night, after talking to my youngest, is that I think it was what I was running from was anxiety. Like I was trying to. I outdo my anxiety by having something to do
Lacey:Just
Becky:like our other sister, right? the stuff starts to spill over. If you pile so much on, the plate is gonna break. And maybe it was one too many scoops of, the mashed potatoes. Maybe, the roll was just one too many carbs, but
Lacey:too many. Okay.
Becky:one too many is, any one of those things could have been the one too many. So back to 2017. I, January, I decided to get my, Zumba certification, which alone should not have been an issue. Me learning how to do Zumba would have been great for my body, right?
Lacey:Absolutely.
Becky:then I decided to leave the job that I had because there was chaos there. and then I started my own private practice again, not a terrible decision on its own. we had the pet saga, which is something that half in my control, half out spiraled completely. but I could have chosen not to do the pet thing at all. And that wouldn't have happened.
Lacey:Yeah.
Becky:Jimmy toured his Achilles that year, we went to, Zincon, and so it was like an additional trip, yeah, the Zumba, conference, so the, it's the arranging of that and being there and right. It's. It's an extra trip that goes with all of the anxieties of it. and then I think like somebody else started playing another sport. it was just like I go through the whole year and I'm like, Oh, and then this happened. And, oh yeah, Belle had to have that surgery that year. And there was just so many things that. No wonder my body broke. It was like, we're done. We're done. We're out. No more. We have given you signs.
Lacey:huh.
Becky:I started that, that fall, I started having a headache that I couldn't get rid of. And it would be like mild, or it would creep up into a migraine. And it was, it just, I couldn't get rid of it. And that was obviously a sign and I just powered through. I remember going to work and I would have a cancellation and I would be so excited that I would have an hour to just lay down.
Lacey:but at The time, did you feel stressed? this is something that I'm still working through. if someone was like, are you stressed? Would you have said yes? I
Becky:had this conversation when he's just don't overdo it. And I just started laughing. And he's like, why is that funny? I was like, cause I don't think I know what that is. I don't think I know what that is. And he's just if it's too much, don't do it. And I'm like, but what's too much. And he said, your body, and I was like, I don't think I know what my body is like. I think I programmed myself very early in life, not to listen to my body
Lacey:Very much Yes. my body's always been my enemy,
Becky:and I received praise for not listening to my body Over and over again. And
Lacey:How
Becky:Oh, geez. wow. My brain is going this and this and this and this. one of the ones that pops up in my mind that is one of those things where you're like, but is that good? Is that good that you can do that? maybe we should talk about that. when I dislocated my kneecap, over and over and over again. And it like, I think back and I'm like, what were we thinking? Like, why was I still on a soccer field playing soccer? If days ago, my kneecap was not where it needed to be. Yet I was back on the soccer field. Why was that a good plan? It wasn't, it was a terrible plan. And the fact that I could dislocate it, pop it back into place myself, and then proceed forward like that was an okay decision. And I think for dad, he was like, see, she's tough. Look how tough she is.
Lacey:Yeah.
Becky:And I, even to this day, people will be like, wow, that's hard. And I'm like, that's fine. I know I'm tough. Okay, maybe I shouldn't be, too tough,
Lacey:Yeah.
Becky:I, the endometriosis was just messages over and over and over again to not listen to my body. Just take some more Advil, just I was wearing, and this is one of those things you're like, whoa. They gave me these patches that were lidocaine to put on my abdomen to numb the pain.
Lacey:Oh, cool, cool,
Becky:Yeah, so the message is not let's address the problem. It's let's just make it so you don't feel the pain.
Lacey:off
Becky:when I got hit by the snowplow, the answer was to put a TENS unit on me so I can return to work. Again, let's not pay attention to the problem, let's just stop our brain from hearing the pain.
Lacey:Yeah. Yeah.
Becky:kneecap, into, I'm, we're talking 10 years, 10 years of my life, and at that point, it was like half of my life, was being told, just don't listen to that, And it became habit to the point where it started to affect multiple systems of my body. so I became very thin. And boy, when I look back at some of these pictures, I like, I'm like, did anybody notice how thin I was? And I remember people telling me, you look thin. but in 98 being thin was the thing,
Lacey:Yeah. Yeah.
Becky:work. How did you not notice that? I just didn't need it. It just wasn't a problem. And not only that, not only did I not eat and it wasn't a problem. It was only when people be like, you're lying. about eating. And they were like, are you anorexic? And I'm like, I'm not making the choice to be thin. I'm not making a choice to not eat. It was just, my body's not hungry so I'm not feeding it.
Lacey:It's so interesting that I have almost the exact opposite experience, but have a similar outcome of not listening to my body, especially when it comes around food. It's I've always been big, right? literally the biggest person. I was 10 pounds, 5 ounces when I was born. I have always been big. There's never been a time in my life where I have not been big. And listening to my body was like, Hey. I'm hungry. I don't, I've never had a binge eating problem. I really don't think I have ever had an emotional eating problem or anything like that. For me, it was like, my body is hungry, so I am eating. Was I eating the greatest stuff? Heck no. I'm, I am who I am, but I don't think, I was not eating differently than anybody around me that I could see. And I had the opposite problem where listening to my body meant my body was not The Right. kind of body because I was the opposite of thin, and not that, I do want to say, mom and dad always were trying to make sure I was healthy. No one was saying like you're fat or anything like that. But, I think at that time it was normal to put your 13 year old on a diet. and. And that kind of stuff. And again, everybody has great intentions, but that's how I learned to not trust my body is that I was listening to it and I was listening to it and it was telling me the wrong thing. So now I don't trust it. I'm not going to listen to it anymore. so I was punished for listening to my body instead of being rewarded for not, if that makes sense.
Becky:huh. But I think about how much I weighed then, And I only weigh 10 more pounds than Millie does right now.
Lacey:Yeah, I buy that.
Becky:Which, like, anxiety response, flashing lights, there should be sirens.
Lacey:can I ask you, what is your anxiety response?
Becky:what do you mean?
Lacey:feel like in your body?
Becky:I think that anxiety in my body often does happen in my stomach. Do I think it happens in other ways? Yes. But I think that's one of my first indicators that I learned very on. and I am watching my youngest go through this process of, she's but my stomach hurts, but my stomach hurts. And I've been like, we're like, I'm like, we're going to medically get to the bottom of this. And it was just the other day that she said, I, my brain is doing this all the time. I'm always looking for the next thing that I have to fix, the next thing I have to avoid. And I'm like, babe, that's anxiety. and we went through the process of discussing how anxiety can basically gradually break you down and take your life from you and eventually I told her, I said, you're going to end up just in bed. Not going anywhere, not interacting with anybody, not doing anything, because there's always going to be a reason that your anxiety is going to find. and she's what do you mean? And I was like, at what point do you get so worried about everybody at school that it starts to affect your body? And then you feel sick. And then you become sick, like you're throwing up or whatever. And. It's because you've worked yourself sick and she's Oh, that's a real thing. Oh, hun, we
Lacey:You ask some people, no, but yes, it is.
Becky:and this is Christ. We came from somebody and the people who we came from said those words to each other. Because they're like, yep, that's a thing. You can do it. And it really, that you can overwhelm and tax your body by putting so much mental strain on yourself. It just makes sense. And, and I think that programming starts very early. do I think that there's lots of things that come into this? Yes, I think there's a combination of you have to be genetically primed and set up for it, in the same way that like, there's some people who smoke and never get lung cancer. And then there's some people who smoke like five cigarettes in their whole life and then they end up with lung cancer. I think some of us are more genetically. primed and then certain behaviors, it's like just enough buttons get hit. so I think that we are genetically primed to have anxiety. And I think we're genetically primed to have a system that doesn't accept nutrients the way it needs to. And those two things together equal Dysautonomia. And Dysautonomia is Chaos!
Lacey:autonomic system, which it's so funny. Because, and I like, not ha ha funny, but it is really interesting that we're talking about this and it reminds me of a time mom and dad were taking Joe and I to the airport or we were taking them some, we were going to the airport and we were sitting there and we started recounting our passing out stories. So I had, I have several, mom said one, dad said one and Joe's in the back and at one point he just said, You guys know that's not normal, right? And so to me, I think that points to Oh, that predisposition was on both sides here and that's how we got to where we are.
Becky:Yep. and I think that, like, when we look at, geographically where parents are from and where those families came from, there's probably some, genetics that play into place. But I also think that there are some learned behaviors that exist as part of culture that then become a part of that. So it's not a very simple, just one, little fix. It is like a system failure, if that makes sense, that creates the system failure. Going to reference the Allie conversation when I'm like, gee, how many times in one. like our, can we say, but we don't talk about that. Yeah. So we don't talk about that. we have feelings, but we don't talk about those, bad things happen. We don't talk about it. once you get to the point where you are shoving enough under the rug. either the rug isn't gonna cover it all, or, there's gonna be an issue. You're gonna start tripping over it. And what does that look like but chaos?
Lacey (2):Yeah, I, I, it's funny that you mentioned the Al episodes. Becky and I are recording this on the day that the Bradley, we have a die young episode is released. And, the amount of anxiety that I have had today is Astronomical, like my stomach has hurt all day. Usually it doesn't get to my stomach. I usually have a tight, it's not even a tightness that I just have this fullness in my chest that it wasn't until like last two months ago that my therapist was like, that's anxiety. And I was like, oh, that's not just normal. but now I recognize when it happens and it.
Becky:I have an experiment I want you and Joe to do. But go ahead.
Lacey:Okay, hold that thought. and it's because of that system, like you were talking about, I'm not talking about things. I'm like, oh my gosh, people in our family are going to be so mad at me. They're going to think that I'm talking bad about them, that I'm like sharing these family secrets and airing our dirty laundry and all that. And the more that I think about it, the more that I'm like, literally nothing that we said is not Easily public record in a lot of ways, but I'm still like, even still now, it's one o'clock that posted this morning at six 30. I'm still working through it.
Becky:You're like, now what the shoe's gonna drop. Now. I wonder if so and so's
Lacey:Yeah. I like, I keep checking. Yes. I,
Becky:It's okay, Lace.
undefined:Woosh Woosh
Lacey:I am curious. I have learned that my anxiety is, sneaky that I got so good at. Yes. compartmentalizing it that I stopped recognizing when It happens. and that, that can't, there are times in my life where that became more difficult to do, like postpartum when I returned to work, that was a really hard time for me because I couldn't do my methodical, compartmentalizing like I did previously. and those kinds of things.
Becky:You had to create a new compartment.
Lacey:yes., But still now I'm still finding places where I'm like, Oh, that was me compartmentalizing my anxiety, wasn't it? I could be okay with not being the, one who does sports in our family. Like I can put that in a nice little box and set it to the side because now I'm the person who is good at school and I, am. Student Senate president and I'm all these things. And so this box that I have cancels out that box, but that box. still has anxiety. But this box has its own anxiety. So even though I would like, put things to the side, I would never deal with them. So then that anxiety is still there. Oh, I am considered overweight, but don't worry, I'm pretty and I'm fun and I'm nice. So people like me. but I still have that underlying thing. I did such a good job at packaging up the bad and being like, see, I know that it's bad and I use that as a way to trick myself into thinking I wasn't anxious about it.
Becky:it was, see, I have control over this. It was like, see, this is in check. This is in check. Because if I keep this much in this box and this much in this box, and as long as the boxes don't mix, it'll never build up. But you could only have so many
Lacey:Yeah. For sure.
Becky:So I think when I look back at, and I go back, you'd be like, yep, that's how I dealt with anxiety then. And that's how I dealt with anxiety then. There was an entire, middle school where I tell people I was hollow on wheels. And that I'm lucky my parents don't hate me forever my whole way of managing anxiety at that point in time was just to do whatever I wanted in that moment. if I just said yes instead of no. then I would, I'd be okay. there would be no anxiety. There would be no second guessing. There would be no debate. If that was a good choice or bad choice, there would be no debate in the moment. So be like, just say yes, just go with it. And I said yes to a lot of things that I look back and I'm like, Oh my God, you are so lucky to be alive. Clearly that's not working for me because I got in trouble all the time. And then I was starting to get anxious about being in trouble. And then it got to the point where I was like, I don't care, fine, I'll be in trouble. But it was going to start to impact school. And then I was like, no. And that is probably some of that programming early on was that at school I was good kid. I was never late. Never got in trouble, never confronted anybody, it was turned in on time, if I felt like I was gonna die, it was still gonna happen, can just go back and look at it, there's times where I just tried to overload myself, if I was busy enough, it wasn't gonna catch me. I think there was a time also in my early twenties where it was instead of feeling my anxiety, I went to bars with my friends. and it was just like, we're just splitting up steam. We're just being 20 somethings. We're just dah, dah, dah, dah. But really what it was is that I just didn't want to have the anxiety. about really, cause I had a very high anxiety job then, and I couldn't have that. So it's just like this idea that so many times in my life I can see where I tried really hard to manage the anxiety and it was to do something or find one way of coping and doing that like as hard and as fast and as like 100 percent as I could.
Lacey (2):I think you and I, again, are different but ended up in the same place where a lot of yours was bringing things in to you, right? I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do this, and I feel like mine was keeping things in and not letting them out.
Becky:I felt very much growing up nobody said this to me directly. I'm not blaming anybody. Nobody's like at fault, but I felt very much
Lacey:Mom, we love you and you did great. Dad, we love you.
Becky:but
Lacey:This is not a reflection of your parenting.
Becky:and it wasn't even, it just came from Rob. This came from Amy. This came like Society it was like your feelings are too big that is too much. You need to tuck that away You need to shut that down No, like we are not gonna tolerate all of that. You need to just be smaller
Lacey:Oh,
Becky:And I remember feeling that way very early trying to think of Oh, I'm trying to remember something happened. I can't even tell you what happened, but I think back and I remember them, everybody looking at me like, no, you cannot be upset by this. Oh my God. You know what it was? It was the mouse that got in the house. When we came back, you surely you heard the story of the mouse that got loose, or somehow a mouse got into the house. We had gone to Cincinnati at the time. I think we lived in West Virginia. We had gone to Cincinnati to visit grandma for something. We had come back. Dad did not come with us, but, there was this mouse. And I remember thinking. burn the house down. there's no surely we cannot live here now. that is a terrible idea. And it was just, they all looked at me like, no, we're just gonna catch it. And I'm like, that sounds like a terrible idea. who are we to catch this mouse? And, and I don't, it is one of those things where I'm like, this could have been a movie. where we were, like, all in one room. We were gonna go to bed and I think mom went to get in the bed and I was supposed to be sleeping on the floor next to her and then the mouse like ran right across something and like chaos. there was screaming. People are like jumping onto furniture. and long story short, we end up catching the mouse and. there's discussion about what to do it. And I'm like, but we can't kill this thing. And it was one of those things where everybody's silent and then they look at me and they're like, what, do you want to take it to a pet store? What do you think we're going to do? It's 10, 11 o'clock at night. And I'm like, but you can't kill something just because it's gotten in our way. we can't do that. And it was like, how can you have compassion for this mouse? And I'm like, but it's a being, we can't kill it. And it's just like this, you need to shut that down. This is too much. you cannot care about that. and I just remember feeling that Ooh, you gotta make that smaller.
Lacey:Yeah, I also, had too big of feelings, to the point where songs are written about my feelings.
Becky:God, the limerick. See, and this is where you're like, this messaging came from multiple directions.
Lacey:yeah. which, I can still recite to this day, the,
Becky:could probably as
Lacey:also, really plays on, on my body issues as well. And I, again, not anybody's fault, but, the limerick was, hello, my name is Lacy Swiner. I am the biggest little whiner. If you touch me a little bit, I will cry and something and Throw a great fit, If you touch me a little more, I will cry and scream just as before.
Becky:When I was mad and frustrated, it was like, oh, you need to be hugged. clearly what you want right now is to be hugged. And I, in that moment, and the reason why, it was clearly I did not want to be hugged. And it's but that's the messaging and I don't blame
Lacey:and
Becky:I really think we all got it
Lacey:it's, yeah, absolutely. I do think that's part of the reason why teenage boys will always be my least favorite demographic of people. I know that they're listening to this podcast and are really disappointed that they're, not my key demo, but I really think it started there. For me, it was like, just take it and internalize it. Don't do anything. and that kind of stuff. And so I just, I, not that I push back on your premise, that being the chaos friend, isn't from you, like within you. I Just I look at a lot of these things and I'm like, I don't, think I, I think I abstained from choices and that's got me where I am. And that by abstaining from choices and by not saying things and being quiet and making myself smaller and trying to fit somebody else's mode all the time and be the perfect version that somebody else wanted. Nobody else demanded, by the way, if I got like an A minus, I was upset at myself, mom and dad, never even looked at my report card at a certain point, because they were like, yeah, you're fine. And so I just, the extent to which it got to was very much my internal doing and that by not taking action, by not doing a lot. of things. that's how it fasted in me. To become the chaos friend and to have a lot of health problems because your year is 2017 Minus 2022. I think that my Anxiety and whatnot really wore me down to the point where I got a stupid Like cold type thing and my body could never truly come back from that and that's what stems my chronic fatigue syndrome And then all those other underlying things that was already there of like dysautonomia makes it more fun and exciting. So that's why when anybody is all what's wrong with you? And I'm just like, it's not important. I'm tired. That's all you need to know. I'm tired. I'm doing my best. I'm not predictable. I'm sorry. I know I'm constantly letting you down. Trust me. I've already thought of that too.
Becky:Whatever amount of mad you think you are about this situation, I am mad for you and I am mad at me and dealing with my body doing what it's doing while being mad at me for you. You're welcome, I'm sorry.
Lacey:Yeah. and I swear to God, if you tell me to just stop, I will want to punch you, because I can't just stop. If I could just stop, I would. But, I have no problem telling you the things that you did to trigger it, though. But I'll be quiet and not say them.
Becky:But, this stuff becomes so ingrained, it's just too easy. I moved furniture today. Did I, should I have moved furniture today? Nope. Probably shouldn't have. But part of me is but what, am I just going to stand there and stare at it and watch it move itself? I didn't move it alone. these are the things where I'm like, at some point in time where I have to make a decision and I'm making the best decision I can with what I have. Did that decision lead to something that went awry probably, I'm probably going to be in physical, Oh man. So a great chaos story. in the middle of all of my existing chaos. So what, like a month ago, three weeks ago, I don't even know how many weeks ago this was. So I started having these kind of like abdominal pains, which I'm starting to wonder if it is either bowel endometriosis or right. The list of what this could be gets extensive. Could I have passed some kind of, kidney stone? Who knows? Who knows? But, the next day. I go down the steps, and I am just trying to do my morning routine, and I'm making my coffee, feeling like a normal human, all things considered, and I go to get my dogs their dog food. And it's in my garage, we have this off to the side, blah blah blah, it's in a container. I take one step down the steps, and It is like I'm standing on marbles and my feet are now above me. And I, it had that moment where I'm like, Oh, this is not good. then of course I land on the steps and I have that moment of that's first, Oh, crap. And then it's this hurts. And then it's breathe. You're alive, right? And then you have to do like the body scan of like, how bad is the bad, right? And immediately, and this is so disturbing. I am going, that hurts, but I've been more hurt than that, which, oh, when you go to the hospital. They say on a scale of one to 10, how much does this hurt? And they're like, if 10 is the worst pain you've ever felt. And I'm like, I didn't pass out. I'm not kidding. Like everybody's face changes. that's the bar. The bar is, did I pass out? That's a 10. Okay, so it's not a 10. And they're like. But you can stand the pain, and I'm like, I can stand the pain, but I also Dislocated my kneecap and popped it right back in and kept walking like it was normal. Does this hurt worse than that? Yeah, it does and then they like their face changes, right? They're looking at you like
Lacey:Yeah,
Becky:and then you're like they're they're thinking what psych person they have to bring in this room but I People are like, why, you were already in a state of less than normal. And I was like, yeah, but that's standard. Like my every single day is less
Lacey:that's my new normal.
Becky:So I have to keep functioning at that state all life stops. Because I have three humans and two dogs that depend on me. So going down the steps and making my coffee and feeding my dogs is literally the bare minimum of what my day includes. What I didn't anticipate is that the night before, one of my kids, because we have ADHD just running rampant around here. Though, I really, I'm gonna say it, I say it all the time, but I swear ADHD people are my favorite. But I think it's because they have a freeness that I'm like, I wish I could be like that, right? I'm like, sure, why not? And I'm like, you don't think? For 45 minutes? seven different ways that could go wrong! And they're like, Nope! I love the ADHD. I do. But. There is a tax that comes with it. That day the text that came with it was that when Xander spilled the dog food on the steps He had forgotten by the time he fed the dogs because that was the task He was trying to complete that he had spilled it and now there's the steps are covered with dog food Which that day it happened to also be Extraordinarily cold which mean is now rock hard on a set of steps that I am walking on Without thinking and of course it's brown on brown steps. all of this it just there. There is no way I could have not done that, but that led to me being in bed resting for several days and then there's this whole, like, when you go to the hospital, nothing ever good comes out of that. So don't go to the hospital. And then everybody's but why didn't you go to the hospital? And I'm like, cause if I go to the hospital. They do every freaking test under the sun because they want to diagnose all the things and They end up giving me a bag of IV fluids and sending me on my way
Lacey:I am not actively dying so nobody cares.
Becky:Yeah. I went to the hospital and They were like, there's inflammation here and that could be arthritis, or from this angle, we can't tell, but there could be a fracture in the hip. There could be a fracture in the, in the spine. But everything is intact, which means like there's no immediate surgery needed, there's no bones sticking out, right? Which is what the emergency room is for. They gave me a bag of IV fluids and were like, take it easy. I was like, clearly if I knew what take it easy meant, I wouldn't be here, but okay. And that's when Jason looked at me and said, For the next three days, don't do anything without asking me first, just because I think you need help listening to your body before you do something. And I just laughed at him. And he was like, you have a service dog that does this for you. And I was like, I do. And I was like, poor Pele. Poor Pele probably has anxiety every time I leave the house. He's Dammit, what she's up to now? it's that, she goes again.
Lacey:Oh,
Becky:the chaos friend.
Lacey:And again, none of your choices could have changed. Anytime I have a birth, when I go into labor and have a baby, something really chaotic happens. It's not my fault. like I, I get hemorrhage, after a C section and have to stay longer and constantly almost pass out because I'm on the verge of needing a blood transfusion. Or they can do what's called a wet tap, which is where they go too far through your spinal cord and it creates a hole. And then they have to go back in a week later and pass your blood over your shoulder. To fill that hole, it's called a blood patch. There is no way I could have made either one of those things happen.
Becky:I've had two blood patches.
Lacey:But that is, Yeah, that is my reality. and I just, yes, I have decided to get an epidural, but
Becky:Yeah,
Lacey:does, so do millions of other women, but only 1 percent of them get what I get. Yeah.
Becky:to get here? Yes. I, do I wish it went this way? No. But if you were to ask me, which one of those would you go back and choose not to do? Man, that would be hard. Because it would be, did you choose not to bet on yourself and start your own private practice? Would you have chosen not to do that? And it's, I absolutely would have chosen to do that. That was one of the best decisions I've made. And a bunch of the people who were like, ooh, I don't know, are now people who also have their own private practice. Because they realized that was the best decision for them. It has been the thing that has been able to sustain me, even through this. All of this medical stuff, like, it has been the thing that has been able to, for me to be the mother I am to the children who need me to be this kind of mother. could I do that again? would I, what, not have Skye, or Husky? no, I would definitely, would, I wouldn't trade her. would I have not done Zumba? No, that was like some of the most fun I've ever had in my life. and I met some really amazing humans. and I learned how to take care of my body in a whole different way. and I, would I give up any of those things? no, I don't think I would have. I don't think I would have told one of my kids that they weren't allowed to play soccer, or that they couldn't play basketball, or, that we wouldn't try something. And that's just because that's, I think if you can, why not?
Lacey:Know, it's funny, I was not the chaos friend until I got sick. I was the chaos friend when I was pregnant, but I'm going to count that as when I was sick. and and it's, I think it's because I kept it all in and you can't keep it in when you're pregnant because sometimes you're literally puking every day. and everybody knows you're pregnant, so everybody wants to talk about it. And then the same thing when I got sick, like it became the change in my reality and there's no way for me to ignore it. And so again, it's just really interesting for me. I couldn't even tell you what I would have released or not held on to or anything like that. Cause I always have just tried to do what I thought I was supposed to do.
Becky:You do the best you can with what you have. if I keep living that way, and I keep making choices based off of the best information that I have, then it doesn't matter what happens. that I can look back and I'll be like, I really legit made the best decision I could with the information that I had. And this is where I landed. And I will figure it out from here.
Lacey:So here's a question for you. What's the best way for someone to be your friend since you are the chaos friend? what can people do for you?
Becky:Just love me. Just love me for me and let me be me. And when I do something stupid and then I look at them and say, that was dumb. They are like, mmmmm. I don't like being told what to do. I'm so thankful that I figured that one out eventually. just don't tell what to do. If you want to ask me, do you think you should do that? That's fine. But if you tell me not to do that, I am going to think of every single reason that I should. And that's going to become the focus. And that's because I, that's one of the ways that I manage my anxiety is that I have to stay in my own driver's seat. Nobody else is going to be in my driver's seat because if I make a decision
Lacey:That's funny.
Becky:Consequences of my own choices, but I do not handle it if I have to have the consequences of somebody else's choices, it does not go well for me
Lacey:I don't know if it's my manifester nature or whatnot, but I have a tendency to be like, don't tell me what to do and people don't. The minute they do, I do the, don't tell me what to do. And then I don't entertain them anymore. I don't know how that became just a part of me, but I'm thankful for it. But I have started saying to my children, don't tell me what to do. If you have a request, You can ask, but please do not tell me what to do.
Becky:You are not the boss of me Yeah, I say things like you get to make those choices for you I'm gonna make choices for me. Are they always going to be the best ones? No,
Lacey:thank you for joining me, Becky, and sharing your chaos friend wisdom.
Becky:I just, this is me. I am what I am. I'm sorry. And this is where, you know what, Lace, you know what I would say? If I'm too much for you, that's fine. That's what I would say to somebody. I get it. If I'm too much for you, that's fine. part of me wants to go find less, that's fine, but I, there, there are going to be people that I am too much for, and those people do not belong in my circle because I will break them. And I don't want to break anybody.
Lacey:We're already basically slowly breaking down our mother because of our chaos. We don't need anybody else.
Becky:my poor mother. Trying real hard not to break my kids. Poor Pele is probably like dogs are not supposed to be able to do this. The things he has learned to be able to do. yeah.
Lacey:Oh, thanks, Becky.
Becky:Oh, any time. Talking is one of my favorite things to do.