Hard Stops in the Middle with Delia Pena-Gay

Lacey: 00:00:05

Welcome to sharing the middle. Where recovering perfectionist. Overachievers and anyone in the middle of a struggle come together to learn, to embrace the messy middles of life. I'm Lacey, your friend in the middle and guide who's claim to fame is making my own English muffins for the first time. They were. Good, not nooks and crannies, but still delicious. So we're are. Loving it and welcoming it. Anyway, today I have Delia Pena-Gay. She is a freelance blogger and a podcaster from New York paving her own way in personal development. Her journey started with a quest to find local black owned businesses in the Bronx and morphed into a healing journey. She was a former dental assistant for nearly a decade, but now she is. Amazing with a positive attitude to empower women in their thirties to achieve their goals. She is such a delight and you'll see how much I enjoyed talking to her. I was on her podcast. Just be you. So shout out. And you can go listen to that episode. If you want to hear a little bit more from me. She is. Delightful. So let's jump in. Welcome Delia. How are you today?

Delia: 00:01:16

I'm doing well. I can't complain. I'm really excited, to be here today, so thanks for having me.

Lacey: 00:01:21

I am excited to have you do you wanna go ahead and introduce yourself in your own words to our listeners?

Delia: 00:01:27

Sure. my name is Delia. I'm originally from New York, from the Bronx, to be specific. so for those of you who may hear my little accent and say, geez, where is she from? This is what Spanish people out of the Bronx. sound like, cause that's what my husband is always saying. He's like, yeah, that's just a Spanish Brock's accent. for you, I love animals. I love talking to people. People love talking to me. and that's always just been, the thread of my life and what, gave me the encouragement to go into podcasting. Cuz I'm like, it feels natural. I'm a talker, so why the heck not,

Lacey: 00:02:05

You have your own podcast, just Be You, which I was on a few weeks ago and was an absolute delight. Absolutely. and we connected there and I was like, you have to come on my podcast. So that's where we are today. so welcome to sharing the Middle. I know you and I have already talked a lot about the concept of the middle as far as this podcast and all that stuff goes, but I would love to hear what you think of or what you thought of when you first heard me talk about the middle.

Delia: 00:02:32

when I first, before I even knew what. The middle was, or what the concept was behind it. I was convinced up and down that I was having a midlife crisis. I was like, if, because of what I'm experiencing is not a midlife crisis, then I don't know what is. But this has got to be everything that everyone was talking about. and then when I came across, your podcast page, I was like, Holy cow. Like this woman completely gets it. It's like another person that, experienced it, but the middle was like the right name to call it. It was just like, yeah, I'm in the middle of everything. I'm in the middle of like my career. The world's feel feeling like it's coming down. It just felt like really extreme. But it was just also so comforting that there was actually a name that I could call it or something that I could say besides I'm going out of my mind.

Lacey: 00:03:27

Yeah. and I think it's one of those things that, once you. Start to name it, you can't not see it everywhere. and start to recognize how it's not, cuz a lot of people wanna be like, it's in the middle of a story, it's time-based. I'm like, is, but it's also based on your feeling and where you're at, that you're not your best, where you're not your worst. Like it's all these different things that it can be. So I appreciate that you're like, oh, I got it.

Delia: 00:03:50

It hit me like a ton of bricks. I was like, yes. Where was this term like four years ago? When I can really accurately tell everybody. yeah, I'm just in the middle of a whole lot of things.

Lacey: 00:04:01

Why don't you tell us, or share with us a middle moment that we can use to anchor our conversation.

Delia: 00:04:07

oh gosh, the middle. I guess my middle moment probably, or at least when I was like, yeah, something is really happening in life and I I need to get a grip on things, is probably when I realized that every day that I left my house, like around the same time, I would just have an emotional breakdown and they were just like happening. Every day, several times a day. The moment I left my house, it was almost like they turned on a light switch and like I was just crying. At this point, I think all of New York has probably seen me cry either on the train, grand Central, somewhere in the middle of the street. cuz I remember very vividly, police officers like, Geez lady, are you okay? People were just handing me tissues, left and right and I guess that was the moment where I was like, oh, some compassion still lies in New York City. just cuz people just had tissues all lined up for me. It was a little crazy.

Lacey: 00:05:08

I've been to New York a few times and I've loved it. And my husband has too, and we've always really loved it cuz New Yorkers are his people because they are not mean. New Yorkers are actually very kind. They just don't have time for a BS and small talk and all that stuff. So you just, you get to the point, so yeah, they saw you crying and they're like, all right, here's your tissue. And then you'd go about your way. So that as soon as you said, I'm like, yeah, I can imagine that 100%.

Delia: 00:05:34

Yeah. So those are definitely moments that stuck out that I was like, yeah, I'm in the middle of something. I need to do something. I need help navigating this. And it was just like so repetitive and I knew it wasn't me. cuz it's not me by nature. And I was just like, yeah, something is here. We need to invest some time in this and sort it out. Cause I can't keep walking around feeling like this cause I literally didn't feel like myself.

Lacey: 00:05:58

I also love that it's, you learned that something was off when you were in transit, like in the middle of being from one place to another place. I think that's really interesting. So I would love to know, so you were leaving home, going to work.

Delia: 00:06:12

Yeah, I would be going to work or just, going out to run an errand, a task and, maybe I would see something out of the ordinary, something. I wasn't expecting anything. It could be a little traumatic. For example, I think I was going to, I don't know, go shopping or do something downtown. and a woman got hit by a U p s truck and she was like pinned underneath the truck. And in my mind, I guess with all the stress of just living in New York, having my job and just, you know, navigating through life, like in my mind, I would swap the person that it was actually happening to and envision myself. traumatic like things that I just wasn't prepared to see. Like the first thing I'm coming out of my house, it's like bam, something traumatic is happening. don't get me wrong, I love my borough and I love my city, but just with all that comes with New York, the fast paced and just always having, Like you always need a destination. New York City for me, at least in my experience, isn't one of those places where you can just meander about and, you just kind of have to have a purpose and a reason for doing things. and so it just struck me and I was just like, oh wow, this is very interesting. Like the minds is like really strong and powerful and if you're not really taking care of your mind and just creating that safe space for yourself. Some things you know can happen and your imagination will just take you in places that you didn't really think you'd ever be.

Lacey: 00:07:37

There's so much there that I've. I wanna get into, I really think it's interesting that you associate this like in-transit piece of purpose and so it really gets to it deeper. Cuz I know your story a little bit of you weren't feeling like you had a purpose. So every time you would leave the house, And you're going somewhere and it's not necessarily meeting your purpose. There's also this cognitive, cognitive dissonance of not being aligned to also add to that trauma, honestly.

Delia: 00:08:07

Yeah, and then it's now that we're talking about it now, I didn't really know that. I guess intuitively I've always known that, just what I saw and even what I was doing at the time. I knew that there was always more, but I didn't. Associated at the time with me not walking in my purpose or me doing, or at least finding what that overall bigger thing that I should be doing was. because a lot of times it was just like, okay, I'm really doing well at my job. I'm excelling. This is what people know me for. my income was there and all the bells and whistles of having that career were there, but it just, there was still more to be done and I just didn't know what that more was. And I also did it connect it to me not being in my purpose and operating in all my strengths and all my goodness. So thanks for helping me, come to that realization like five years later.

Lacey: 00:08:58

My background's in communication, so I often, love hearing how people talk about things, and that usually helps me be like, oh, so what you're saying is this and this. So I am not trained in any other way.

Delia: 00:09:11

No, but I love the intuitiveness, that, you know, and you just helped me realize something that I didn't even, I wasn't even cognitive of in my own story, and that's amazing.

Lacey: 00:09:24

I am curious too, about what made the switch for you. It sounds to me like you were in this, Fog we'll say. And you were seeing the symptom of leaving your house and having this big emotional reaction, not sure what to do, what clue, clued you in on needing to make this switch? To make a change

Delia: 00:09:48

it was just kinda like everything simultaneously happening. Like part of it was that I was grieving, a loss of a family member. They kind of died unexpectedly. And one of the reasons why I didn't go see them when they were in the hospital was because, I had to work and it was just like, at the time, I did have to work, but I really didn't. Like I could have carved out that space, but just getting caught up in, the routine and I'm in New York. If I don't do this thing then it might be sacrificing it, somewhere later on down the road. And just like a bunch of series of events where it was just like everything was literally out of control. And I remember very distinctly just having a conversation with somebody and I'm like, I just stop. And they were like, what do you mean stop? I'm like, stop everything. Like I need a hard stop. I need to stop, doing this thing here. I need to stop talking to this person cuz it's not really adding anything to me. And just really looking at the situation at hand and just, thinking back to I guess like those anchor questions that. My therapist was asking me like, okay, what do you enjoy out of life? What did you enjoy when you were a kid? cuz those things are anchors to, our purpose, the things that we enjoy. And it was just having that reminder and it was just like, at the end of the day, I didn't like how I was feeling, how I was showing up, and I just knew that. The present me or the me from five years ago wasn't me. And it was just a quest of okay, how do I get back to the person that I remember seeing every day in the mirror or the person that I even enjoyed looking at in the mirror? And it looked like I was happy because it just, it really got to the point where we were like, yeah, it's written all over your face, that you are so unhappy. What is happening? Because it's not you. And how do you reel it back?

Lacey: 00:11:37

I just wanna commend you cuz doing a hard stop like that is brave. to see yourself on this wheel of. I equate it to like the shoulds of life. When you talked about work, you're like, I should stay or I should be doing it this way. People expect this of me and I should. And so to see that wheel and say I'm gonna stop it, is enormous in my opinion. And something that frankly, You don't see people do a lot, right? You don't see I went, I had that hard stop, but it's because my body shut me down. Like I, I did not make a conscious choice. So I appreciate your bravery of saying hard stop. I have to stop and look around and figure out what's going on, because that's hard. So just kudos to you on that.

Delia: 00:12:28

Thanks. And it was even harder to Try to explain it to other people. They're like, what does that mean? And it was just like, maybe just, go take a vacation for a few days. And I'm like, no. that's like the bandaid because at the end of the day, I come back from the vacation and I'm still feeling crappy. So it was just like, I just took the vacation. Nothing was actually done. and I was just like, yeah, I just, I need to stop. Like everything just has to stop and halt, and if you can't handle that, then I'm sorry. But at this point, like it really did feel like a life or death. if I didn't stop, I was gonna die. And if I kept going and just like ignoring the signs, like nothing was gonna improve, so just had to get real. I'm like, I don't this doesn't feel good. And I just needed to get into a good place.

Lacey: 00:13:13

I am curious about the logistics of stopping. So what does that look like? is that quitting your job? I'm what I like to call a process junkie. I'm like, tell me all the details. I wanna understand each. But, I do also think people, Seeing you as a model of somebody who stopped and did something and feels like they're in a better place. Having more of those details is helpful. So that's not to be too nosy, but you can,

Delia: 00:13:38

no. it's fine. I don't know that I've ever actually, I guess I've spoken about it like in my mind or written it down, but I dunno if I've actually said it to anybody. I just, I literally woke up one morning and I was like, I don't like my job.

Lacey: 00:13:52

Uh huh.

Delia: 00:13:53

And then I just told them, I'm like, and so further notice I'm gonna work at this establishment one day out of the week. And I wrote this email and I was surprised that they were just they were like, okay, you're like a great employee. We don't wanna lose you. So if this is what you need, then okay, fine. and then cuz that year I I found eight jobs in a period of 12 months. And I was like, okay, if you do the math, I found a new job. ooh, maybe every month and a half. That's insane. and then like I started temping and kind of having my own freedom and time. In that time, I just started doing a whole bunch of things that I liked to do and started trying out a bunch of different new exercises down from, what is it? Stripper pole dancing. I did this intense cycling course and I started doing all types of yoga that you can imagine, and that's when I realized that out of everything, I didn't even know what an actual breath felt like anymore. It wasn't until I was doing yoga that I was like, wow, I took my first breath and I don't even know how long. And like I just started listening to my body again and just really, I. Paying attention to the things that were making me happy, things that I didn't like, and just getting to a point where, okay, I didn't like this and I'm not gonna negotiate it any longer for anyone else because I have to feel good. I have to look at myself every day and feel, amazing. I feel like I have to do something. I have to feel purposeful. And it's if your interaction isn't adding to that, then. Maybe, it's time for us to split ways or just, do different things for a little while and that's okay. Cuz in my whole transition, like I did lose a lot of friendships. Like I've lost two friendships for over 20 years and that was, something painful. Cause it was just like, oh wow, like you were my best friend. And you know, we've seen different highs and lows and you were like part of my support system. But, my friend and I, she was going through her own. Mental health challenges. So it was just like at that time, neither one of us were in the space to be a good support system for either one of us. So it was like we both had to walk away and get ourselves together so that we can come back and thrive, in a positive friendship. Coming to terms with that and I just went through a whole bunch of changes that I just had to be okay with, cuz I knew that the overall goal was to feel better, to be better and to just, possibly help other people. Cuz the other side of it was I didn't really have anybody in my immediate circuit that can relate to what I was going on. Everyone's just like, oh, this is just like New York. You just everything was just like, oh, you just have to cope with it. Or it just is what it is and it's like, yeah, no, this is not the design of life and I shouldn't be feeling like this and I shouldn't have to be forced to walk around, with these feelings and emotions cuz it, it's not helping anybody.

Lacey: 00:16:54

I think it's really interesting cuz I'm very Midwestern. I've always lived in the Midwest. But we have the same thing. It's just in a little bit of a different way of, like yours is, you just cope and you move on. Whereas ours is, this idea of. Similar, but it's less about the perseverance, but more about the making sure everything just looks fine. this is what you should do and you, this is what you should do. You just do it like there's no question mark around it. And it's taken me a lot to come up against this belief of but why? Why is that something that I have to do? Like, why? where is this imaginary rule coming from? I should be able to determine what my life looks like and how I live it so that I feel okay, who is this benefiting?

Delia: 00:17:40

exactly.

Lacey: 00:17:42

just all miserable. no, that's not what this should be.

Delia: 00:17:45

Exactly because I've had, I've walked into like work situations where, I was warned. I was a new hire at this office for all of a week and a half, because one of the employees, she says, oh, you're gonna meet a doctor like on Friday. And he says a lot of inappropriate things to a lot of the women in the office, but he's only here once a month, so just deal with whatever he's giving you. Whatever he tells you, just ignore it. And I'm like, did you just tell. I have to be okay with someone speaking to me inappropriately because he's only here once a month. Like in what world is that? Okay. How, why? Why do I have to accept that? I'm like, dude. the owners know oh, yeah. he's only here once a month, so it's not a big deal. It's not like something we have to continuously deal with. I'm like, with that attitude you're telling him his behavior is okay. So if he's doing it here, he is taking it other places, and that's not okay. The bigger picture, it's not okay. so just it's, it was just like, wow.

Lacey: 00:18:47

Yeah. That's a really good example of it. And it's, and I, there are places where, yeah, you just have to deal with it and move on and, But personal, especially when it's a person acting a certain way and you're supposed to accept it. No thank you. Like I just, that's not what I want. I can dictate my boundaries and what I'm okay with. If I'm not okay with it, then your move, like I don't.

Delia: 00:19:10

absolutely.

Lacey: 00:19:12

And, if they get to act that way, then I get to act my own way, and not make myself smaller. it's almost there's this like threshold thing of what people are willing to accept, and. Now I'm gonna be thinking about this. This isn't necessarily related to what we're talking about, but as you were talking I'm like, yeah, there's this place cuz there we all have to do things we don't wanna do. there are elements of that. So how do we find, and it's another middle thing, how do we find that sweet spot of accepting what we have to, but standing up for what we won't?

Delia: 00:19:50

Yeah.

Lacey: 00:19:51

I guess it comes down to values, cuz I agree. I would do, I would be the same way. Me now would be the same way of no thank you. Like I then maybe I don't work that day a month. If you guys are all gonna say, this is okay, that's fine. I don't work that day a month I don't think. That's fine.

Delia: 00:20:07

Pretty much it.

Lacey: 00:20:08

was there, a moment where you realized oh, I'm gonna use her better. Or like, how did you know it was working?

Delia: 00:20:17

I guess, I mean, because a lot of, from the outside looking in, I guess a lot of my decisions could have been perceived as impulsive. because a lot of times there wasn't necessarily a plan for the after. It was just like, okay, this isn't good. We gotta make a quick change, and I'll just deal with the aftermath. After it's happening. but right now just need a peace of mind. and it was just more so being okay with the decision and not having to explain it to somebody else. Because again, for me it was just like, like a fight for my survival. So it was just like, It doesn't matter to me right now if you don't understand my position and just being strong in that. I was like, okay, I'm getting somewhere. Because a lot of times I would feel like the guilt and the remorse like, oh, I have to explain this to so-and-so. Or if, you know, this person asked me a question, I've always felt like I needed to have a response, and it was just like there's sometimes in life where the only response that you need to have is the one for you.

Lacey: 00:21:26

I'm, I see your podcast stuff in the background, and I'm like, yeah, just be you, you being, not just be yourself, but you be your own sounding board. You get to be the person that decides that you, that makes a lot of sense to me. Yeah.

Delia: 00:21:43

yay. It's nice to know that I make sense to other people

Lacey: 00:21:46

you do. You do. And I can really, I don't know if you, it sounds to me like pre this experience you was very, it was very important to be seen as like competent, good at what you do, all of these things. So having that shift of not caring about that or maybe caring, but not letting it control you is really hard.

Delia: 00:22:08

It's, and sometimes I'm just, I still have my days now where I'm like, do I need to have, this explanation for somebody? And it's just okay, now I'm just overthinking, and overthinking can, and, get me into territories that, I don't need to be in. And just like really submitting to the fact that what's happening today. Right now and this moment is all that I need to be focused on and whatever's gonna happen is gonna happen. And just being like, okay, just like really letting go of the control. Like I don't have to give an explanation. I don't always have to be planned. I don't always have to plan for X, Y, and Z. It's just, being free and just free flowing and letting go of the pressure. That and that invisible pressure that a lot of us feel. especially when you're in New York, it's always just you've always gotta move and move with purpose, move with intention, because it's like, if you don't get it, somebody's gonna come eat you alive. And it's always that fight or flight like response and it's just no, I'm gonna relax today. I'm gonna chill, I'm gonna let the winds hit my face and I'm just gonna be present. Whatever that present may be.

Lacey: 00:23:15

I think that's awesome. I do like to bookend our conversation with a piece of advice that either maybe you needed to hear during your middle moment or that has been really helpful to you in life thus far. just a, some words of wisdom to share with our listeners.

Delia: 00:23:30

listen to yourself and trust your intuition. We all have it. we've all experienced those moments where we knew where we were in a place where we shouldn't have been, or we know when something feels right and we're meant to be there. And it's just learning to trust yourself and. Owning it and not letting anyone, taint it or take control of it. Yes. always listen to, you know, the people that are around you cuz you know they love you. They want to see you at your best. but ultimately just listen to your intuition. You know what it is. You got it. And just trust it. Stop letting outside stuff, make you second guess yourself.

Lacey: 00:24:08

I love that advice. Thank you. I need to hear that all the time, so I might just put that on loop to just bring out every once in a while.

Delia: 00:24:16

Yeah. You have what you need. You just gotta trust it.

Lacey: 00:24:20

Where can people find you? Follow you, all that stuff.

Delia: 00:24:24

I'm usually on Instagram. I become more active there. you can follow me at at Motivation with Dee. you can follow the show on Spotify. I'm also on Facebook from time to time, but most of the time I hang around, Instagram. Most of my friends or my people, as I love to call them, are there and just always having fun conversations.

Lacey: 00:24:47

Good. thank you for joining me today. It was really nice to hear from you

Delia: 00:24:51

You're welcome. Thanks