Intuition and Forgiveness in The Middle with Serin Silva

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Welcome to sharing the middle or recovering perfectionist overachievers, and anyone in the middle of a struggle come together to learn, to embrace the messy middles of life. I'm Lacey, your friend in the middle and guide. Who's claimed a theme this week is actually like getting my house ready. To go for sale and it's been a lot of physical labor. Which, as you all know, for me, it's very challenging. So feeling real proud of that. I'm also extremely tired, but that's okay. We are making it. We are showing up. And making stuff happen. Today, I'm talking to saran Silva, who is an intuitive coach. She, and I talk a lot about spirituality, but then also we do talk about infidelity and all these different topics. They don't feel like we've really talked about here on the middle of, so I'm really excited to have you all listen and get a little bit of a different perspective and story than you're used to hearing. I think it's pretty cool. So I do also make a Vanderpump rules reference. So if that tells you. Where my mind is at as well. Anyway. Enjoy our conversation and thank you for your patience in this time where my life is chaos and i'm showing up where i can Let's jump right in

Lacey: 00:01:23

Welcome, Sarin. How are you today?

Serin: 00:01:25

I am good. Thanks Lacey. Thanks for having

Lacey: 00:01:27

Yeah, I know I just mentioned to you before we hit record that I have been really thinking a lot about spirituality lately. What a wonderful happenstance to have you today. The world works how it's supposed to, but why don't you go ahead and introduce yourself to our listeners?

Serin: 00:01:44

Great. Hi, my name is Rin Silva. I am a recovering advertising executive turned intuitive coach and medium. So that covers off on the spirituality component. I live in Boulder, Colorado, and I'm native Californian. I have quite a few business accolades, but these days I really am just focused on Connecting with women and helping to empower them to be their greatest selves and their careers.

Lacey: 00:02:11

Awesome. This, again, this is just me being nosy. I want to know more about being a medium and what that looks like for you before we jump into the rest of it. Cause I read that and I was like, Ooh, tell me more.

Serin: 00:02:22

Yeah, it's really funny. You don't wake up one morning and you're like, I'm a medium. I was really locked into my career and my identity. I was living in San Francisco Bay Area and I got a little voice one day when I was commuting, it said, how much longer are you gonna do this for? And within four months, I'd moved my whole family to Boulder, Colorado. I started doing, I didn't know I was gonna do all this. But it was pulling me, spirituality was pulling me in a way it never had before. I started doing Reiki energy work. I got really curious about it. I had met some friends and I was like, oh, this is interesting. And started doing some energy work. And when I started doing the energy work, I started getting, information about the people that I was working on. That sort of telling me like about who they were and how they were feeling and if they were sick and if they were having heartbreak or if so, and I was like, what is this? And it's gotta be in my imagination. And from there I evolved, got curious, and went into an intuitive training program for a couple years. Intuition is different than mediumship. intuition is just that deep knowing about something. And the mediumship is that deep knowing and connection to people that are no longer with us. So they had us do reading exercises in class and they said there's this little dog someone wanted to, we're looking for things to read. So someone said, there's this little dog. I started reading the dog and I realized the dog had died. And I started just pulling information about the dog and the dog's owner like started tearing up. And then I just started to realize that I could access information outside of the intuitive stuff and start connecting to people at a different plane and a different level. so I worked to develop that. And, that is one thing that I do now is I'll do readings for people who, have family members that have departed or lovers or siblings or, I have one woman I read every year on her daughter's birthday, her daughter died of cancer, an early age. So it's deeply meaningful

Lacey: 00:04:15

Yeah.

Serin: 00:04:17

work and I love being able to connect people to people that they can't see and talk to anymore. But yeah, like I said, I was an advertising executive and it all just flowed and I was like, okay. At first I thought it was pretty crazy. I was really judgmental of myself. I didn't embrace it. I was like, this is crazy and people are gonna think I'm crazy. So there was a lot of being in the middle of navigating these two places.

Lacey: 00:04:42

and that's part of the reason why I'm so interested of the concept of medium, because it is so directly related to the middle of being the conduit of two different of being. but I very much relate, I'm really leaning into intuition for myself lately and learning to trust my intuition. and for example, with the middle, I just have this deep. Like confident, I don't know if confident, like it's just, it's gonna, it's gonna happen for like, it's going to be big, it's going to change someone's life. And I don't say that as a, self centered or like overly confident person. It's just no. No, it's there. I just feel it. and it's taken me a little while to even be able to say that out loud because of that judgment, because of that feeling of am I crazy? I literally said to my therapist last night, at what point am I delusional? And she's like, well, you're not delusional in any other part of your life. Why is this one different? That blew my mind. So this is very much, very much on my heart and thought right now of there's something there. The intuition is just speaking to me and really, and if I'm wrong, I'm wrong, you know, yeah, it's one of those things where, I'm very much in that middle of my journey. but I would love to hear for you, what does the middle mean to you? I find that people tend to have a visceral reaction when they start to hear and think about the concept.

Serin: 00:06:04

it's funny because I was coaching someone yesterday and she was like, I just want this transition to be over,

Lacey: 00:06:10

I'll

Serin: 00:06:10

which is going from one situation to another situation. And I was like, we really can't control what that is. So to me, it's that liminal place where you're, you haven't arrived yet and you have different options, or I have different options to respond in a certain way, right? and so it can be harrowing, it can be gut wrenching, it can be tearful, it can be joyful, it can be all those things all together. And you're in a washing machine, right?

Lacey: 00:06:42

that's a great way of looking at it. Oh my gosh, because you

Serin: 00:06:46

so you're

Lacey: 00:06:46

confined, but it's just spinning. Oh my God. I, so I'm going to use this like I just now my brain because it does. It just hits so much because what you're describing is one of the places that I started when I started the middle and talking about the middle was the frustration of that place and that feeling. So to think of it as a washing machine where you're contained and you're just cycling over and over. That's perfect. Oh, thank you.

Serin: 00:07:13

And I love to work with women. You are welcome. I love to work with women that when they're at that stage, because, there is al I always say the only way out is through, right? It's not my saying, but I don't know who said it, but it was someone, a Buddhist. But how do we live with that? We don't know when the timing's gonna end or start. I've been through that many times. These, I've been through many washing machines.

Lacey: 00:07:34

Many cycles.

Serin: 00:07:35

Many cycles. and I try to embrace it and be patient,

Lacey: 00:07:39

mean. That's why I started this in the first place is because I'm not good at that and I want to figure out how to be better about it. I like almost like mildly torturing myself. Like the, if I just talk about it more, I'll get there. but yeah, I would love to hear, I usually like to ground these conversations in a middle moment of your life. So what would you like to talk through?

Serin: 00:07:59

Yeah. good question. So there've been, like I said, there have been many, but there was one that was particularly poignant. I married relatively young. I was 26 and I met this guy that I was head over heels for and still am more on that later. And we had a child, she was one at the time and it was really difficult for me to wrestle. With the identity of being this successful advertising executive and then being mom to a young child, and my husband was also trying to adjust to being a father and adjust. Our relationship dynamic was different with the third. It just different, it wasn't just t and i anymore, it was a slow person. and that's not unique to me necessarily, but, I buried myself in my work and, Someone came along who gave me the attention that I was seeking at that time, unhealthy attention. And, I hadn't set out, I had plenty going on between a child and a marriage and a big job. But, it came in at a certain time and, I regret following that urge to be with that person. But I wound up leaving my husband, and moving into an apartment and I think there was part of my I teenage angst or something that was getting worked out even though I was like 30

Lacey: 00:09:23

Yeah.

Serin: 00:09:24

I, because I settled young and married young. 'cause I married at 26, but I met him earlier, like years before. I don't know. It was a really spin psychy to go back to the washing machine kind of time because my identity wasn't defined. I was looking for attention. Maybe I was trying to run away from my marriage and my child because I didn't know what to do. And that hadn't really been modeled for me at my home. My, my childhood was not super healthy. so I don't know why it happened, but I became, I was in the middle essentially of Being in with this person. So I moved into the apartment and I said to the person, I'm available now. And he said, I don't wanna be with you,

Lacey: 00:10:03

Uh!

Serin: 00:10:04

after we'd been dating for dating, you know, I use that term loosely, uh, for a year and a half. So I was ready to pivot my life for this person who'd given me attention.

Lacey: 00:10:14

Mm hmm.

Serin: 00:10:16

and I did and. He wasn't there.

Lacey: 00:10:19

I can do my heart is, like, literally breaking right now.

Serin: 00:10:22

I thought I was in love with him, and we went from talking every day, like three times a day to I called and he never answered the phone number again. So there I was in my apartment with my, toddler daughter

Lacey: 00:10:34

Yeah.

Serin: 00:10:35

and a husband who was like, You suck, basically, which I understand. I'm not mad at him for that at all. but yeah, I had to rediscover myself in that apartment. I was in Oakland, California, and, I painted the walls like a Tiffany Blue and furnished it the way that I wanted to. And there was like a bohemian time for about two years. a lot of crying. A lot of crying, a lot of self-expression, a lot of writing, a lot of confusion,

Lacey: 00:11:00

and what a change to go from, managing two people, to then nothing as well. I just keep thinking about just that big change and how one of these people you will still be connected with no matter what the rest of your life because of your daughter. But I also just think about my experience because really that first year after a child, whether it's your first or I only have two kids, but it is so hard because it's constant change and it's constant influx of basically just survival. I, I loved that year, I loved infancy with my children, but it's just so high emotion that I personally cannot even wrap my mind around. And adding more on top of that, not, and I don't mean that, and I realized as that came out, it sounded judgmental. I don't mean it judgmental in any way

Serin: 00:11:55

I don't feel that.

Lacey: 00:11:56

I, my brain can't even comprehend that high level of emotion that you must've been going through.

Serin: 00:12:05

Yeah, I think I really wanted attention.

Lacey: 00:12:08

Yeah.

Serin: 00:12:09

I was working really hard. I was making, I was the breadwinner for the family and I was paying for the apartment in Oakland, and then I was paying the mortgage on the house in the suburbs, and, Paying. I just remember like being exhausted. and yeah, how I made time for a lover is interesting. but I think I really wanted the attention.

Lacey: 00:12:30

I don't know how I made the time it's I think. We can't, I think a lot of times we don't think about how our time is spent until like later, because people will be like, I don't know how you do all this. And I'm like, I don't know how I do this either. And so to me, it makes sense that especially during that time, another thing got added and it's just what you did, looking at it objectively. Yeah, I, that part doesn't confuse me at all, I'm like, no, that makes sense.

Serin: 00:12:58

Yeah, and he really knew how to turn on the charm.

Lacey: 00:13:02

yeah,

Serin: 00:13:03

He really knew how to pull people in.

Lacey: 00:13:05

looking back now, I hear regret in your voice, but it also sounds like you have a healthy. View of what you had control of during that time and that there was manipulation there. how long how long did it take for you to be able to accept that and not beat yourself up with it and start to get because I think, I have a really dumb example. So stick with me. I really love Bravo shows. And I've been watching Vanderpump rules. And there's this whole scandal right now. It's called scandal. about infidelity. And right now there's a lot of talk because the other woman in this kind of has done an interview recently. Her name's Raquel or Rachel, whatever. And I empathize with her so much because I can understand her perspective and how this man could have really manipulated her into that. And I just, I imagine it takes a long time to even admit that to yourself.

Serin: 00:14:10

Oh yeah. It took a really long time for me to understand that he was the master manipulator. I'm not gonna say he was a horrible human being. 'cause I believe, I don't believe everyone's all bad or all good, I believe we're somewhere in the middle. but he had manipulated, like many women, he liked to do this thing where he would flip the person. So when I met him, he was like, oh, there was this woman that was lesbian, but I flipped her, or this, it was, and I flipped her and I, it, it's not like he met me. And that was the first thing he said, he built a relationship and then over time these things would seep in. And I didn't see it at all. I was like, oh, somebody's really being romantic and saying I'm beautiful and leaving me notes and blah, blah, blah. But, it took a really long time. Like he, so he didn't wanna see me after I moved out and. I was in a lot of pain 'cause I really thought I loved him. I would say it took me like two, three years and then now it was 2007 when it ended. So now I think I look at it as that was a really good kick in the butt and learning for me,

Lacey: 00:15:11

Mm hmm.

Serin: 00:15:12

that was a really good learning. and my husband and I, the relationship that we had before that I moved out, I don't think it was a real relationship.

Lacey: 00:15:21

Interesting.

Serin: 00:15:23

I don't think it was an authentic relationship. I don't think the two, I think the two of us were just moving forward together because that's what we had done and we had a baby

Lacey: 00:15:31

And that's what you felt like you should do, and...

Serin: 00:15:34

yeah. And so I, what's funny is we're like back together. We've been back together since 2009, 2008, something like that. and the relationship is, I'm not trying to put a bow on it, but the relationship is a lot more authentic and a lot healthier. And, we went through therapy. He was willing to do therapy. He's a wonderful human being, but it's a much more authentic relationship, and it wasn't before.

Lacey: 00:16:01

Yeah. And I think why I'm so excited to ask you about this is because I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I'm just talking to you at the right time. I think it's what I keep learning is I keep thinking about this idea that you can take responsibility. For your actions, but still acknowledge what made your choices. So to hear you as someone who went through this experience can say very easily, I'm looking at your face, but listen, she's just speaking very matter of factly of I did something that I'm not proud of that. I wouldn't do now. But someone helped me get there. That doesn't mean that what I've done is any less what it is. And then to be able to then take that knowledge and move forward and be with your partner in a really authentic way like that's really cool. Like I just, I don't think, I think it takes a level of nuance and understanding on both your part and your husband's part of. Part of what I'm discovering with the middle is that the middle is about the gray area of life and being comfortable in there. And so it would be really easy for people to listen to this and be like, well, she cheated. She's bad. It's wrong. He's dumb for wanting to be with her and all these different things. But it's no, there's so much gray area between that. And it's beautiful to me that you both were able to navigate that and negotiate that to come back together.

Serin: 00:17:30

Yeah, and it was not easy and I had to let myself out. At one point, I had to consciously say, I am not gonna keep beating myself up. 'cause I definitely did that for a long time. I was like, I've, I have to move on. if I continuously hold this thing where I hate myself for the rest of my life, what's that gonna

Lacey: 00:17:48

Who does that

Serin: 00:17:49

what does that do? What does that do? And it took a while. So one day I consciously was like, today it's, today is the end. Today is not the day that I'm gonna keep feeling guilty about And I actually said to my husband, we were back together, but it was still tenuous. And I just, he would, drop comments about what happened when things got tense. And I'd be like, I understand that you feel that way and you have a right to feel that way, but I can't keep beating myself up. I can't, it, I've gotta let go of that And I had to just call time on that. And if he had said, I can't, we probably wouldn't be together. You know, and I, you know, and hearing what you said too, you know, about the gray, it's like, when I think about it is I think there was just a really deep love, there's a very deep love between he and I.

Lacey: 00:18:34

Mm hmm.

Serin: 00:18:35

and love isn't always everything, but in this case, when I think about that elastic band that allowed this to kind of stretch

Lacey: 00:18:42

Mm hmm.

Serin: 00:18:43

it was the love that I. Was the thing underneath of all of it.

Lacey: 00:18:50

I just imagine coming back from that is hard. So what made you all start to come back together? Because I think it would be very easy on both parts to just write each other off. And so I'm just so curious about the, almost the logistics of it.

Serin: 00:19:07

That's a good question. a couple things happened. The first thing happened was I was hanging up new pictures in my apartment and I cut my hand on a piece of glass, you know, the, it just, it cut across my pinky. I still have a scar there. And, it was bleeding like crazy and I was calling people and I needed someone to take me to the emergency room. And I called him and I was like, last resort. And he was like, okay, I'll take you. So the guy drives like 45 minutes, picks me up, takes me to the er, gets me bandaged up, barely talking to me, but he didn't want me to suffer. And then a few months later, so our daughter was going back and forth obviously. And so one night I was making dinner and I said, do you wanna come in for dinner? And he was like, okay. And I was surprised. So he sat down at the table. And next thing you know, we didn't have our clothes

Lacey: 00:20:01

Yeah.

Serin: 00:20:01

We were to get back together. I'll spare you

Lacey: 00:20:03

I don't need that many logistics.

Serin: 00:20:06

And so I was like, I don't know what's happening, but I wanted him back. I was alone for long enough and I think what I think the biggest favor that guy did was breaking up

Lacey: 00:20:17

Yeah.

Serin: 00:20:17

He was not good for me at all. he did me a favor and he, and that allowed me to press reset on my relationship with my husband.

Lacey: 00:20:26

Yeah. I'm curious too, when does your job shift happen in this process? Is it after everything? Because you mentioned being a recovering ad executive, because I'm curious about how the different aspects of our life and those big shifts, like did they happen simultaneously or different to, I'm just timeline wise.

Serin: 00:20:48

Yeah, my job was pretty consistent during that time.

Lacey: 00:20:51

Good. Good. for you. Like that. Yeah. Thank you.

Serin: 00:20:55

yeah, it was 2008 and then. In two, early 2011, that's when the intuitive voice came. And I'd never heard anything before. I'd never heard a voice before. And I was literally driving across the Bay Bridge in California, Northern California, and it literally popped into my ear and I was like, what? And then I went into my office and I, my manager, this fantastic manager, and I said, would it be possible for me to do this job remotely and The job that I had was, I was managing a team, a cross matrix team of 30 plus people and managing a $20 million piece of business that was local to the Bay Area. So the odds of her saying yes to that were, you need to be on hand in the office. This was before Covid and all that. And so I expect her to be like, no. And she said, maybe create a plan for me and, present it and then we'll take it to the c e. And next thing it was like, yeah, we've checked and we have employees in the state of Colorado. And so tax wise, it'll all work. And next thing an a apart, not an apartment, a house came up right near a really great elementary school here in Boulder. My husband was like, yeah, let's restart. let's leave.

Lacey: 00:22:07

Why Boulder? I'm just curious.

Serin: 00:22:10

I wanted to live in a university town, so we looked at Boulder and we looked at Austin and, Yeah. that's what the, and Austin was just, I was worried it was too hot. So we came out, we came, went out to both places. My husband and I spent a weekend. and what was funny to me as it goes back to spirituality is how everything snaps into place when it's supposed to. And you're like, what? Like you said, oh, I've been thinking about spirituality, and then you come up. That's intentional. That's by design.

Lacey: 00:22:37

It's all right now. I'm a little speechless because I think I that really hit me that I think you're very right of like when things happen, even though I yeah. Oh, I'm emotional. I don't know. Sorry.

Serin: 00:22:48

That's okay. Emotions are our

Lacey: 00:22:50

They are, they're pieces of information. That's what I have. I'm learning to tell myself piece of it. And I think my spiritual journey that I've been on, I'm, I come from a Catholic family, so very much rooted in that tradition and whatnot, but I've never really needed it, I believe in being a good person and that as long as I'm doing everything I can to be a good person, I think I'm doing just fine. But with that, I. Okay. still had those like leftover shoulds from Christianity and Catholicism. And it's only been till very recently that I've started to really think about how I can still have that spirituality without the religion. And so yeah, and like when I say recently, like in the past week, I've like, it's been intentionally on my mind. So to hear us having this conversation, it's just. Really freaking cool. And in the way things work time wise, is there like a university town? I have an assumption about what that means. I used to work in universities. or that's where I spent most of my career up to this point. So I totally get it of what being a part of a university, even the town can look like. but I don't want to make assumptions about what, about why for you.

Serin: 00:24:02

Yeah. It's also, I like the academic thing of it. Young people wanna grow their thinking and expand their horizons. There's a lot of opportunities for me to learn here. and in doing that I also, I published a book, I was able to present it and talk about it here in town. But it's just a place of thinkers, who are challenging traditional notions and expanding and growing. And, I think as a people we need to be doing that. And I think right now, especially in this liminal time, when the weather's unpredictable and there's a lot of challenges that people are having emotionally and societally, that's the time to challenge the traditional way of thinking because we might need new tools. And so that's one of the reasons why I love what I do, is 'cause I can bring in the existing kind of world and then bring in the new world and it's okay, what do we wanna chart going forward?

Lacey: 00:24:53

Absolutely. I love that. It's a place of thinkers because I, as you said that, I'm like, yes, that's what I loved so much about working at a university, is I love a place where people can be like, wait, no, tell me more. Like I just, I like people who are thinkers. So I totally get that. anything else about your story before we go into our final question and wrapping up?

Serin: 00:25:14

no. I would just say, we have to love ourselves no matter what.

Lacey: 00:25:17

Yeah.

Serin: 00:25:18

I know we hear that a lot, but it's different when you have to walk it.

Lacey: 00:25:21

Yeah. I just, again, I know he said this already. I'm just really impressed because I can, I beat myself up for the dumbest things. So if some, something like that in with that current mindset would have crippled me. So to hear you be able to talk about it and share about it and show. Self love and growth, but still acceptance and of, your actions and that kind of stuff, I think is something we need to hear more of in the world because a lot of times it's that black and white thinking of, oh, you did that. You're a bad person. And then people rate you off and that's not realistic. Good people do bad things, it's human, it's part of our nature.

Serin: 00:26:03

A hundred percent.

Lacey: 00:26:04

do you have a piece of advice? I know you just gave one little piece of wisdom, but do you have a kind of a piece of advice that maybe either you needed to hear then, or that has guided your life up to this point? I love a little like takeaway.

Serin: 00:26:19

really listen with your heart. Don't listen with your mind,

Lacey: 00:26:23

Yeah.

Serin: 00:26:24

and it's okay what your heart wants. It's okay. It's okay. You're gonna be okay. and when you're not, okay, fake it a little bit. Because I had to do that. Had days where I was like, I'd be driving. I'd be so mad at myself. I'd be like, fake it till you make it. Fake it too. Make it. And I would try to put a smile on my face. And I gotta tell you, I actually worked,

Lacey: 00:26:43

that is a scientific theory, called facial feedback theory. Yeah, my one of my. I have a couple degrees, but one of them is in communication and that was always one of my favorite theories is that if you smile, you trick your brain into thinking that you're happy. and so like by the act of smiling, you're giving yourself feedback about being happy. so yeah, absolutely. There is absolute evidence about fake it till you make it.

Serin: 00:27:08

Oh, good. thank you

Lacey: 00:27:09

Thank you. how can people find you, work with you, all that stuff?

Serin: 00:27:15

yeah. they can find me@rinsilva.com. I'm offering a free, 15 minute clarity session. If you have question, you're stuck somewhere, you need help. I'm gonna probably doing a few more programs and whatnot. and then my book is You Empath U It's on Amazon. That book is full of tips on how to deal with difficult times and practices that you can do. 'cause I really believe in using the physical body, the intuition and the mind, all three of them together. yeah. And this was really fun. Thank you for having me on. I

Lacey: 00:27:48

Thank you. I've really loved talking to you and I can feel it like in my core that we were supposed to talk today. I just feel it in my intuition. and it feels really good. So thank you.