From Panic Attacks to Packing Boxes Mini-Episode

Welcome to sharing in the middle of where recovering perfectionist, overachievers and anyone in the middle of a struggle come together to learn, to embrace the messy middles of life. I'm Lacey, your friend in the middle and guide. Who doesn't really have a claim to fame this week. And we're going to talk about it. Today's a mini episode, which typically looks. Pretty structured where we, I read an essay from the middle. Then I, answer. An advice question, and then talk about my Lacy labs. But I got to be honest friends. That structure just isn't feeling good to me anymore. And I'm learning continually. That I am the most successful. When something feels right. And so today we're going to try some stuff out. Maybe it's good. Maybe it's not. But if you're here and along for the ride, I appreciate you greatly. I ultimately. Have settled on this idea of. Maybe letting you in a little bit more on my writing process. Mostly because my writing process. Has a really big block right now. And. I wish. Oh, I wish I could tell you why. I really think it has to do with just my mind being everywhere. And the sheds of life. Are really just. Kicking me down. And that's okay. And that's okay. if you've been listening to the podcast or no shaman home game at all lately. You know that my family is going through. A really exciting time of change. My husband switched jobs. We're going to be moving we're in the process of buying and selling houses. I'm so excited about the direction our lives are. Moving in. I'm seeing. I can see the change. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's there. But the process of getting there. It's so challenging. I mean, it's the messy middle and I suck at the middle. Right. I mean, that's why I started. So right now we are. Doing things like appraisals and inspections, all of these different things. And some things are working out perfectly better than I could even imagine. And then other things that I took relatively for granted are. Popping up out of nowhere. And my chronic illness is. it's a bigger problem. Like I knew, I knew it was going to be a problem. Of course they knew it was going to be a problem. But when you're staring down the list of things that need to be done. Knowing you can't take care of 90% of them. Whoa. I just really am struggling with that idea. Quite a bit you know, our house, our house is beautiful and wonderful. I love the house that we are currently in. But it just isn't fitting for our life right now and With my husband's new job. We also have. This opportunity of buying a new house that will fit our life and our family better. We found a house that we loved, Not even the initial one that I was talking about. No shaming, the home game. It's. A different house. The other one, Things just didn't work out. And this one. I have been working out. And I just look at it. And I can't wait to go there cause it's going to feel like our home. And that I am so excited about. I'm excited too. I make my kids' rooms. Feels like there's. I'm excited too. Create spaces that my husband and I want to be in. So it's exciting. Our current home now, we. Have always taken care of the big things, the little things maybe haven't gotten taken care of as much as they should have. So there are a lot of little things around here. That we just need to. Touch up. Paint spackle. Add molding to those kinds of things that. Make a difference. They make a difference when someone's walking through your home and seeing it as potentially there's. And I can't do those things. repetitive movements and arm strength is really one of the things that I struggle with most day to day. Things like brushing my teeth or very challenging. And I know that sounds so silly when you don't understand, but if you take a moment and really think about. Brushing your teeth is two minutes of constantly moving your arm. Back and forth. Pretty much And I can't lift my arm for two minutes. That is really challenging for me. So how in the world am I going to paint a bathroom? Or repair a ceiling. I just can't do it. And those are the things that need to be done. And that is so hard for me. Because I'm a doer. I'm not great at physical labor, don't get me wrong. We learned that very early on in my life. But. If things need to be done. I do want to take care of them. And I can't. I'm trying my best with all the other stuff. And every once in a while, I push myself to pack a box. And I'm successful. I make progress, but then I have to lay down for an hour afterwards because the energy output that does for me, And it feels. Ridiculous. I feel so ridiculous I'm sharing all this one because I don't. I didn't know, pre chronic illness. The little things. That would become a problem for me later on. I just, I challenge you today every time. You use your arms. To lift. Every time you bend over. Those are all things that are very challenging for me. At this point in my chronic illness. I have orthostatic intolerance. Which means that being upright. Often. Causes me to have additional problems. I have difficulty getting warm. Oh, if I lift my arms over my head. There's gonna probably be some problems. So you can imagine, things like showering where it's warm. And you're washing your hair. Lifting arms over your head is a challenge. Aye. I am constantly amazed at how much my chronic illness. Changes my life. there's the things on the outside, So I don't really drive anymore. I probably, honestly I could drive more than I do. But I'd rather be safe than sorry. I also don't want to be sick in public and that's the thing I got to get over. I don't mind sharing with you today, listener because you're hearing from me directly, you are hearing from. My perspective, and I can give you context and nuance and. If you then decide that I'm a lazy piece of shit after that. That's your prerogative, whatever. But to go out into society. And that the people around you don't know those things about you. They will jump to those conclusions and they will cause I used to. Absolutely. I just think all the times I was so ablest. And I just don't. Want to deal with that. It's also really energy draining. Friday, we had some things come back with an appraisal. That's causing some problems with our loan. We're working on it's spine. Joe and my kids and his parents went out. To do things. And then they came back and I was having a panic attack. Because of this stuff, because the appraisal could impact us our ability to get alone, a big deal. And I went downstairs for two minutes to be around the five of them. And I just couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. Oh, I might cry. I couldn't. Be in that state. That I was in. Of. Hi, high anxiety and panic. And be around anybody. Period anybody. But anybody that I had to give. Of myself. Really in any way. Just pants are lovely. I love them very much. They love me. But just, I couldn't do it. So the being around. Sick or another people. It's just hard. yes. With a little bit of a rabbit hole there. I know it's all gonna work out. I do. Aye. I feel it in my bones. I feel. The certainty of it. I also have the privilege of. Being a white lady. Whose middle to upper-middle class. I don't know where other middle class starts, but. My parents have my back. My family has my back. It'll all get taken care of. It'll all. Get done. But the middle of this, the process who boy. It's wearing me down. I'm realizing now that I essentially just kind of did a. And spoken word version of what I would write down. Which is nice. I do feel like I keep saying the same things over and over again. The maybe. Dear listener. If you keep trying and listening. The one way they say it a little bit differently. Will resonate with you and help you see. I shared a make one. One other person feel heard. Or seen. I share it. Cause maybe you hearing my story will help you understand somebody else's down the line. And I share it for myself. Absolutely. I'm a talker. And during this. Talk, even when I'm alone. At home. And enjoying. That solitude. My hope. Is that. We figure out a space. For other people to have that same outlet. I'm working on it. I'm figuring it out. Life keeps coming at me though. Here's the thing. The community I want to build. Requires buy-in and not necessarily like money buy-in. But it requires people. I almost want to make people go through a course. foundational information. As a way to not have to have like super strict rules in the community, but that we all come in with the same foundation of information. And. If issues arise, we can all go back to the new information. And see how our actions. Either didn't live up to it or did. It's so funny. I keep having this, what, the struggle that I'm having of actually setting up this community. Cause I have. Mild structure in place and I could just launch something, but the reality is. I want a community. That doesn't have to rely on rules, but can rely on individual responsibility. And now we all. Use our responsibility and come in. With the same knowledge about that responsibility. It's the thing that I don't like being told what to do. But I love having information to use, to make my best decisions possible. All right. You've gotten about what? 15 minutes of me. Basically treating this as a diary. So hopefully that works for someone. Aye. As someone who loves podcasts and listens to them. It is not lost on me. The intimacy. I have someone in your ear talking. And the fact that. Anyone. We get to this point. And say, ah, Thanks for talking to me, Lacey. Has made my day. And it's corny, but I'm corny. If you haven't figured out that I'm corny. Yeah. I may not be the gal for you. But I. And just so grateful. And thankful. For this opportunity to be in your ear today. we have another interview coming next week. So I'm going to keep lining those up. Look, he mess around with many episodes and seeing what feels good. If you have thoughts about today's mini episode, seriously, reach out to me. I would love to hear of yeah, we like just raw unfiltered Lacy or no, maybe have a little more structure. I am down. To hear what you need. And so I thank you for providing me with the space for what I need. I hope you have a fantastic day. I really do.