Using Your Tools in The Middle with Sadie Higgins

Welcome to sharing the middle of where recovering perfectionist

overachievers and anyone in the middle of a struggle come together to learn,

to embrace the messy middles of life.

I'm Lacey, your friend in the middle and guide whose claim to fame this week is

driving to do her own medical errands.

Big deal for me, friends big week.

I am going to have to take a nap after this, but that's usual.

This week, I'm checking to see the Higgins.

she introduces herself in the beginning, so I'll leave that up to her.

But Sadie.

Is one of the people who along the journey of creating the middle

really gave me so much validation.

And made me feel like this is something that we can do.

So she is near and dear to my heart.

And she has so much wisdom to share in this interview.

I think you're going to love it.

Let's jump right in.

Welcome Sadie.

I am so excited to talk to you.

So excited to be here.

one of those,

people that I have notched in my brain as, validating me throughout this

process of the middle and, support and little cheering me on along the

way has been wonderful and invaluable.

So thank you so much for

Aw, I love that.

Thank you.

That's like the best compliment ever and I'm so happy to be a

part of your story and what you are doing cuz you are incredible.

Aw, thank you.

why don't you introduce yourself to our listeners?

I like people to do it in their own words, cuz I think it's a little bit more

engaging than me reading off of a bio.

Yeah, my name's Sadie Higgins.

I like to say I'm a recovering entrepreneur.

and there's a lot to get into with that.

but I'm a jack of all trades.

I've been interested in everything my entire life and.

I've felt the need to stifle that, because it might sound wishy-washy

to some people, but it is who I am and I'm stepping into that.

And I know there are a lot of other people out there like me, who have, lots

of interests, multi-passionate people, who can still go for it and live life and

feel fulfilled and, responsible , and not wishy-washy and being taken seriously.

Preach that is, I literally have been thinking about that for the

past week or so my husband and I were talking last night and I said, I don't

know how to introduce myself anymore.

because I don't know, what to talk about.

Before I was in this mindset of I'm a mom, I do this for my job and da, da, da, da.

But now it's like, there are so many things I could talk about and

that's so exciting and, accepting that I am all of those things.

absolutely I think introducing yourself, as one or

two things really puts you in a

box.

And that's really easy for some people to do because, they

have this one thing they've.

Been their whole lives or one or two things, and that's how they identify.

but I've never been able to nail that down, and I don't think you have to.

Yeah, I agree.

Absolutely.

So you are one of the people heard about the middle before

it became truly what it is.

So I would love to hear if you remember what you thought of when

I first talked about the middle.

If not, you can.

Can just chat about what it looks like to you now.

Yeah, so I think what was interesting about what you described to

me is what a lot of people were feeling, but nobody was saying, you see a lot

of, amazing stories on the internet of people, making all this money with

this one idea and, you see a lot of success and a lot of overachievement.

but what you don't see is either the struggle to get there or just

being happy where you're at in the moment and letting that be that.

When you were telling this to me, I think I was just saying yes.

Yes.

Like absolutely you have to do this.

Do not back down.

There are a lot of people who need to hear this, and they also think that the

middle gets a really bad reputation.

people love the beginning of a story and they love it all wrapped

up in a beautiful bow, but the meat of everything is in the middle.

that's where the character development happens, and that's where you're

learning, who this person is becoming.

And without the middle, there's nothing.

I loved what your concept was, and I, there's so many people

who can identify with this, and so I, I was like, absolutely.

Go for this.

And I'm glad you are and you're doing amazing.

Yeah, I would ask you like, do you have that negative feeling

towards the middle or are you one of the magical people that's oh, I love it

because it's now, and all that stuff.

If you had asked me even a year or two ago, I would've said icky, ugh.

The middle is just hard.

It's tumultuous.

so many things can happen.

There's unpredictability and I would've not been a fan of it, but

having gone through what I've gone through the middle is exactly

what I needed to be here now.

And I also think that, there are a lot of middles in our

lives, and there's not just one.

you might be in the middle of babyhood.

You might be in the middle of college, you might be in the middle of your marriage.

you don't know where you're at in that particular moment.

You might be living in the middle and not know it.

so there's beauty in that,

and I've found the beauty in that because without those to

prepare me, I wouldn't have been prepared for what my life is now.

yeah, I think the middle is beautiful.

That's awesome.

Look at you.

Yeah,

Someday I'll feel that way, right?

and I think, but the hindsight, I'm definitely in

the middle of things right now.

I think I'll always be in the middle of something

or what is life, if everything's ended, then what do you have to look forward to?

so changing the way I look at the middle has been helpful.

I spent three years living with my sister-in-law during the pandemic,

while starting two online startups while my husband was away every day,

renovating our house while raising three children, basically solo.

So there was a lot

of, there was a lot of middle there, really in the sick of it.

I just, I love when people talk about a middle like

that, where it's like, and,

You didn't think it could get worse,

and

then,

Yeah.

Because it's one, I like to think of it as like a sitcom.

Like it's just, it like adds level of character and the

jokes, it makes the jokes better,

right?

Oh, totally.

gotta live through the middle to have some jokes

have to Absolutely.

But also I like this idea of I can't handle another thing.

Oh wait, yes, I can.

and you just have to,

So you figure out a way.

But for me, had those things not piled on top of one another, I would

never have stood at my sister-in-law's stove top cooking dinner, realizing.

Oh my God, I haven't breathed in like the past minute and I'm clenching my stomach.

Why am I doing that?

Oh, because now I've broken down so much, I'm realizing that this isn't sustainable.

So something has to change.

And that tar me on my personal mental health journey, which I know happened

for a lot of people during the pandemic.

but actually propelled me into childhood, into things that I didn't realize.

And how my nervous system was wired completely incorrectly my entire life.

And I was able to undo a lot of that during the past year or so, so that

when major life events have happened, now I'm able to take it, more prepared.

So I think, I refer back to, science sometimes, and I'm so not

a science person, but if you think about a muscle, you wanna get

strong, you have to work at first.

And what happens, you get a catatonic phase where you're

breaking down your muscles

and you're not gonna build your muscle up until it's broken down first.

And so that's how I think about.

Life is if you want to be strong, if you want to be that person that you

know you can be that's in there in your best version of yourself, you're

gonna have to go through a bit of a breakdown, and that's a good thing.

That's where you find the stuff,

that's where you find out who you are and who the people around you are,

and that makes a huge difference.

I wanna go to this moment where you're standing over the stove.

Because I love, first of all, I love that you have a specific image in your head.

Like, cuz I can see it too, of you standing there.

And in my mind you're stirring, I'm just gonna narrate it.

You're stirring a pot, and you literally breathe out and realize,

oh, I've been holding my breath.

What, what changed?

What did you change from there?

Because I'm curious, you can have that realization, right?

But what steps did you take?

A lot of people they may have that moment, but instead of taking those

steps to make it happen, just stay there.

And that first step is so scary.

Yeah, realizing there's a problem and living your whole

life, not knowing there is one at 38 years old was mind blowing.

and I was getting a lot of migraines and I've gotten them

since, I was in high school and I said, something has to change.

I can't keep living this way, especially if I'm the one that

my family's relying on right now.

so I took to the internet like most people do.

What are some tools I can use?

And and there was an app that really helped out called Curable.

Not getting paid for this, just sharing my wisdom.

and I started doing that and what it does is it helps to

retrain your nervous system.

And a lot of that is listening to scientific research and journaling.

And as a writer, journaling has been something that I've gone to here and

there, but I was never consistent with it.

And they had specific prompts for me to use.

Which I found really helpful and I had so many aha moments, I feel this

way because of this, but I never associated the two things together.

Also started getting into specific podcasts that I knew would help out the

School of Greatness, with Louis House and Andrew Huberman, who talks a lot

about, wellness physically and mentally.

And so physical wellness was part of the mental wellness, so I changed a lot.

In a short period of time, and it was never perfect and it's still not perfect.

I forget to do things and then I feel my body wearing down and I say,

okay, you need to take a deep breath.

You need to relax and you need to go back to your tools.

And so I've really narrowed down what those tools are and I go

back to them anytime I need them.

And it's a practice.

People talk about healing.

and I don't think you ever fully heal.

I think it's a process and it's something that you have to be

aware of and work on every day.

Just like you need to exercise daily, just walking for 30

minutes, it's as simple as that.

And some days, you're running for 30 minutes and some days you're doing a full

workout, and some days you're getting out the door and taking a few steps.

So as long as you're moving, that's helpful.

And there are times when you're not and you just go,

you just have to go back to it.

You can't give up on yourself.

just as you wouldn't want to give up on anyone else in your life.

I feel that very much and I actually, when I.

I've been talking about, I've been thinking about grief a lot lately.

I lost my grandmother in the beginning of April and it's just

Sorry to hear that.

Oh, Thank you.

Thank you.

She was a very important figure in our family, so it's been a lot.

And then I also have a lot of grief about what I like to think of as like

my previous self and that reckoning.

, as you were talking, I'm like, oh, grief is healing.

Like what you were saying makes sense of , it's the same thing I.

We were driving home from something the other day and my husband's

driving and I'm just sitting there.

And something that my ki one of my kids did in the backseat made me think of my

grandma and made me think about how I'm not gonna be able to tell her about that.

And then I started crying I haven't cried in over a month about it, And I just

think it's really interesting to think of grief as healing and that they're both

a process that will never be finished.

And that's okay.

That you're gonna have these moments of, I don't wanna say setbacks and because.

Praying about her was not a setback in any way Cetera.

You know what I mean?

it was just a, me feeling, my feelings at that moment, but really

thinking about it as this process of ups and downs, but about forward

trajectory progress and healing.

I'm gonna be thinking about that a lot today.

yeah.

it's never gonna be perfect, and grief is one of those things you're gonna always

carry with you, but it's just gonna be lighter and lighter as the years go by.

And I understand that we've had a lot of.

A lot of interesting moments in our family over the past couple of years.

we lost my brother-in-law, due to some complications, last year.

And then my husband's, cousin's husband tied randomly just, I wasn't even planning

on sharing this, but just like a week ago.

and so just things like that, that, we think we have, the privilege to grow old.

And we don't always have that.

And it's shocking when it doesn't happen.

And so it's been happening quite frequently in our family as of late.

and it's gonna come out at some point or another, this past December I was

taking my kids to school and, my husband wasn't feeling well, so he stayed home.

And I kept my daughter out of the house, took her to the museum, and then, my

friend took her for the rest of the day to play with her daughter, which was such

a blessing because I arrived home and called his name and he didn't respond.

looked for him downstairs where he was previously, wasn't there.

Went up to my room and all I saw was his hand on the bed,

Oh,

which meant he was on the floor.

So I ran over and he couldn't get up.

so long story short, we took him to the emergency room in Boston

and by the end of the day we discovered that he had a brain tumor.

And within that week we discovered it was cancer.

So this is two weeks before Christmas, maybe a week before Christmas, and all of

a sudden our lives are turned upside down.

And that's a lot to handle.

It's a lot to handle at any stage of your life.

with three small children, right before Christmas, right as we moved

into the house that my husband had spent the past three years building,

was a gigantic load to carry.

and we're still carrying it, but if it weren't for that breakdown at the

stove, I wouldn't have been able to carry it as well as I can carry it now.

the middle is beautiful because it gives you the strength to prepare for something

you might not even know is coming.

Thank you for sharing , I would love to get your

perspective as someone who is.

I'm assuming, primary caregiver in this situation.

So like I compare it to myself of I am your husband and this is where my ability

state changed completely overnight.

And my husband then became the primary caregiver.

And I just marvel at him and his ability to pick the pieces up and

just run with what needs to get done and that kind of stuff, and

how little credit he gets for that.

Cuz I'm the one who's sick.

So people are worried about me when I wanna be like, no, I'm worried about him.

Please help him.

You know what I mean?

And so I'm just curious about your perspective being that person.

it's not always perfect, you do your best.

And again, I use the tools that I have

to get through it, and I'm not alone.

And I think that is, the biggest.

Proponent I have in my life of getting through this is that I

have community behind me as well.

and people, always say, wow, it seems like you're handling this really well.

And on the surface I might, and of course there's turmoil every now and

then, and it cancer's really sneaky, he

has a good prognosis.

we'll be dealing with this for the rest of our lives.

And every now and then it just creeps in and I sob and I allow

it, I forgive myself for whatever I need to do in order to be okay and

to release the emotion and move on.

But, in life, there are going to be, many rainstorms and this certainly is one.

we just happen to own the best umbrella and that's one of my

favorite quotes from almost Famous.

And, I'm now using that to do a lot of writing and to share all

of those magical pieces of the umbrella that have helped our lives.

personally, I.

I turn to escapism every now and then when I need to, and I do it in a healthy way.

So that typically is music for me.

So I, dive into my favorite artist and get my serotonin boost from that, and make

sure I take care of myself when I can.

And some days I get to really care for myself and others.

Absolutely not.

You know, it's at bedtime, I am exhausted and I just go right to sleep.

and then other days I have moments where I can go spend time with my girlfriends.

I can go for a long walk.

I can listen to music, I can write things down.

And I try to give my husband Grace too, because I'll never

know what he's going through.

he is going through something that I can't fathom and I can't imagine.

And he said, in the beginning, I'm so glad it's me and not you because I couldn't

imagine caring for everyone, and myself.

While this is happening, and it's vice versa too.

I can't imagine that being me

and him having to take care of everyone, that would feel awful.

I try to be empathetic with him even though I don't know what he's feeling.

but just be there for when he wants to chat about it

and let him have his emotions

because I don't know what he's going through.

And so we just try to help each other out and it's, it has been difficult, he

was gone for two and a half, three years.

He would work full-time and then go straight to the house.

And renovate the house.

And we'd see him at 8 30, 9 o'clock at night for an hour or so, and then he

would just pass right out, of course, because he was tired and he also had

brain cancer and we didn't know it.

And so he was just constantly sleeping when he was home.

And I carry that guilt with me cuz I would say what are you doing?

spend time with the family, wake up, hang out with us, almost got a divorce.

Turns out he had brain cancer.

That's why he was doing

What a weird hindsight to think about.

Ugh,

None of us knew.

None of us knew, and it had been brewing for many years.

The doctors have said so.

he's gone through all of his radiation.

He'll still be on oral chemo for the next year, and that beats him

up now.

you know, it's a lot of.

Grace.

It's a lot of patience and you betcha took us.

I feel sorry for myself sometimes.

Like I'm not gonna just say everything is sunshine and roses.

I'm handling it so well.

Absolutely not.

There are days that I just wanna scream why, like, why I have carried the load

with my children for the past three years and now I'm still carrying it.

This stocks,

I hate it.

But you know what?

there's always gonna be a part of life that's crappy.

and I allow myself those feelings.

I allow myself those feelings.

I allow myself to be mad.

And then, I'm a problem solver, so how can I get out of this funk?

what are my tools?

What can I go to?

And I literally have them written down so that I can go

What are your, some of your tools if you're happy to

share, cuz I, you mentioned them earlier and I was curious then too.

Yeah, so I, I'm gonna be writing a whole series about this.

but definitely, relying on community

and asking for help.

So there is no more shame.

I have no shame if I need help with something.

I call a friend, I call a family member and someone is here to help me and I

am so grateful and I just think in my head, I will do this for someone else.

If I haven't already, sometimes we do things and we don't realize it made

a big impact on someone else's lives.

And so when it comes to us, accepting help was hugely difficult because

you first have to feel worthy of it.

And I really didn't in the beginning.

And after a while, certain friends would say, remember when you did this?

Now I'm gonna do this.

Does that make you feel better?

And I was like, absolutely.

It does make me feel better cause I do not feel worthy of this.

community has come out in droves to help us out and we just know

we'll be paying it forward as well.

and then like I said before, mental health is everything.

Journaling.

Getting outside, even if it's just getting outside in nature.

Not even walking or moving, but just getting outside in

nature and looking around.

escapism has been helpful for me in very specific doses and not where I

escape completely and just forget I have a family and forget I have a life.

But, listening to music, playing music, finding things that, fuel my passions.

So that I'm, remember, I'm s I'm still alive, I still have interests.

You're still a person.

You're still your own whole person.

and humor, laughter, making a big joke out of it.

anytime my husband says something off color or silly, I'm like,

eh, he has brain cancer.

Forget him.

he does not know what he's talking about.

I love

he loves it.

pretending that, he's sick and sad and all this stuff, which I mean he

is sometimes, but we have to laugh.

And we spent that whole day in the emergency room before we knew

the prognosis and the diagnosis.

We laughed the whole time, make cracking jokes here and there.

And he even said, wonder if this is a brain tumor.

And I'm like, hello, wait, what?

This is the first time I heard this.

And he said, I told my coworkers.

What, I'm sorry, when, how long have you been sitting on this

Yeah.

so yeah, those are things I go to and faith and whatever faith means to you.

we're not really religious people, but we're definitely spiritual people.

talking to the universe, talking to, spiritual guides and things

like that have been hugely helpful.

and then just trying to look at the positive side of things,

but also giving yourself grace when you have the breakdown.

Cuz that's gonna happen and it's okay.

It's okay.

And I think that's one of the hardest things for me is that it's okay.

To not be okay.

Yes.

And I feel like people are only talking about that now.

Yeah.

Because we're supposed to be this shiny version of ourselves, and

that's what looks good on social media.

I just posted a TikTok, telling my story a little bit the other day and,

as I was filming this, I hit pause and I started to cry because, that memory

of seeing my husband, helpless, this guy's an N F L linebacker type guy, and

his help can't get up off the floor.

that moment.

Will, be seared in my mind forever.

And so just saying it out loud for the first time in a really long time,

I started to cry and let myself do that for a little bit and then hit

record again, only to realize I had been recording the whole time.

Oh.

Yeah.

And so looking back at myself, crying was so uncomfortable and so

icky, but also really therapeutic.

So let's say it had to be cathartic in some way.

absolutely was because the first thing you wanna do is judge yourself.

Why are you doing that?

Oh, you're an ugly crier.

Like

Nobody

wants to see that.

But he wants to see that.

and so I just saved it in my drafts and I rerecorded the whole thing.

And that's the version I posted.

And then this morning, I felt really guilty about that because I don't

wanna be another shiny version of what people look at on TikTok

and other social media outlets.

I wanna be my authentic self so that other people can be too.

I realize you do not have to put on this facade.

And so I actually did an edit and went to post it, and before

I did, I showed my best friend.

And she cried and I said, am I really doing this?

And she's you're definitely doing this.

And I went to post it and it got deleted.

So I suppose I was not fully ready for that vulnerability.

However, the fact that I got myself to that place is just another step in

the process of leaving the middle and getting to the end of something and that.

I don't think we'll ever end, but I'm getting closer to, being able

to share my true self with other people so that hopefully it helps

them if even to not feel alone,

Absolutely.

You've given a lot of advice throughout this, but if there was one that you're

like, I wanna make sure I say this,

Oh, I don't know if I have just one.

Meet yourself where you are.

Always keep in mind where you wanna go.

And you'll take those steps to get there.

So don't forget who you wanna be, but be at peace with who you are right now.

Oh, I needed that.

All right.

Thank you.

That was great.

So we'll put links to your TikTok and Instagram.

That's all I got people

for.

Now, more stuff's coming, but I have no timeline.

And enjoy it.

thank you for joining me.

Thank you, Lacey.

I'm so proud of you.

Like you've come such a long way and you're doing these things while

getting through your daily journey of what you are going through.

And that is not an easy task.

So make sure you give yourself credit every day, and know that you are

affecting people in a really positive way.

I'm gonna cry.

Okay.

Don't do that, actually.

Do whatever.

It's

cook hard,