This morning, my son, and daughter were playing in my bed while my husband finished getting ready for the day. As usual, it turned into a wrestling match. My son would push my daughter over, they would laugh so hard, and she would pop right back up, and the whole thing would start over again. Being the clear-headed observer, I knew this would go south quickly, so I reminded my son to not be too rough and to stay gentle.
He heeded my advice, but did get a little rough a few times, needing the reminder again. After one of these times, my husband declared he was done, reminded my kids to be gentle with each other, and they were off.
This moment stayed in my mind. Toddlers are constantly testing boundaries to see when they get to the point of being too much. My son was actively trying to figure out the right amount at that moment. Enough to push her over and be playful, but not too much to hurt her. When I thought of it in that way, I empathized with him deeply.
I am constantly trying to figure out the right amount myself.
The Right Amount of Parenting
My mom and sisters did the podcast this week, and one of the things my mom mentioned was letting your kids make mistakes or bad choices, so they can learn the consequences. This is what I was doing with my kids in bed. Letting them continue to do something that could cause issues, but knowing they were having fun and not stepping in being overprotective.
Finding the right space between making your kid a bubble boy and being a completely free range parent is something I’m constantly striving for. There are so many times I want to step in to either move things along or to stop my kids from making a mistake, but I have to stop myself to allow them the experience to discover their path.
Logically, I want my kids to be the masters of their future. In practice, it’s much more complicated.
This also felt timely because I’m in the middle of figuring out how much I can do to have more of my independence back.
Pacing for My Illness
I still don’t know what is exactly wrong with me, but for the things I could potentially have, pacing is a big thing. It is basically conserving your energy throughout the day to better manage and avoid things that make your illness worse.
It is a complex math problem where you try to figure out how to land in just the right amount of doing not to end up crashing later on. Being the person that I am, I want to get the right amounts, plug it into the math problem, and then adjust my activity accordingly.
As you can guess, that’s not possible.
I didn’t even try to Google it because I know everything is going to say that the amount of activity someone can do is different from person to person. To further complicate it, there are different types of activity. Yes, physical activity, but mental and emotional activities add to the overall bucket.
What am I doing instead? I am attacking the problem in all the places I can by documenting my days.
Maybe soon, I will have enough data to designate what my right amounts are.
Is There Even a “Right” Amount?
Look, I know there isn’t really a right amount of everything. There is no secret answer key in the index of life that will tell me whether I parented this moment the best I could or found the right level of activity for the day.
I do realize that I need to calm down and be gentle with myself.
Here’s where it gets complicated—other people are involved. I want to show up my best to give my kids a happy and fulfilling life. Figuring out the right pacing may allow me to show up more for my husband and contribute to that parenting goal.
With that, I guess I will give myself the same leeway I gave my son while he was playing with my daughter. Not step in to try to completely fix it, but give myself the space to mess up, so I can learn.