Realizing Grief is a big ol’ Middle
It has been a really tough week. I wish I could come and be super positive and share some uplifting anecdote with you all, but the reality is that I am really starting to work through a grieving process… and I am grieving myself, my old life.
The middle I am currently in with my health is messy because I don’t know if there is an end. There is a possibility that I could wake up tomorrow and be back to my old self, who knows! No diagnosis or plan forward puts me in a limbo.
That being said, we have passed the point of calling this temporary. I need to figure out how to live my life in this current state, as there does not appear to be an end. I have been, in true Lacey fashion, attacking the problem from all the angles that I can. But now that we have gotten past the holidays, and I’ve done all the setting up for my life… I have to live it. That means letting go of the before.
Accepting My New Normal
I just got off the phone with my mother, where I was trying to explain how it is hard for me to answer the question, “how are you doing?” My instinct is that I am doing fine. And this is true, but I don’t know if the person asking me this knows what my fine actually looks like now.
Fine now still means spending most of my day in bed, but it’s successfully feeding myself, getting to the bathroom and back, and filling up my waters. It means creating this content that I am proud of and growing a little every day. It means still not driving and making sure I have help if watching my kids for a longer period of time by myself. Not only that, but it means looking at our finances and making some modifications to make sure we don’t get into trouble.
This wouldn’t have been fine a few months ago, but today it’s fine. And that’s okay.
One of the hardest parts is having to communicate my new normal all the time, every day, every time I talk to someone new that I haven’t discussed things with in a while. They really should be subscribing to my newsletter… right?!? Maybe that should be my new line, if you want to know how I am, did you read my latest newsletter? If not, subscribe and then ask me again.
Joking aside, I have to orient them to my new normal, and then answer. I have to mourn the person I was before with them, and then move them into the current state. It is exhausting and daunting.
Do I write a Eulogy for old Lacey?
At first, I wrote that header to be cheeky, but now, I like the idea. I like the idea of appreciating and letting go of the previous parts of myself that are no longer true. Maybe they will be true one day, but for now, I will just take a moment to say:
- Thank you, previous Lacey for having the energy that you shared. People were drawn to that energy, and it gave the confidence to share as I am now.
- Thank you for the two amazing children that you brought into this world and the work you did to try to give them a solid foundation for the difficulties now. Because of all the hugs and kisses you gave before, they bring them all to me now.
- Thank you for attracting and maintaining relationships with some wonderful people, have been a life-saving support system.
- Thank you for charming a remarkable man into being your husband.
- Thank you for your hard work that I can now rest upon, while I figure out how to rebuild
Not special
We say goodbye to old versions of ourselves all the time. We just often don’t have the space and time to sit and think about it like I currently do. Many times we grieve our old selves without acknowledging it. When I became a mother, I grieved the time and space I had before. When I joined the working world, I grieved the student who flourished. It’s years later, and I still grieve these previous versions of myself.
I think as a world, we grieve for previous versions of what we knew. A world before the pandemic, before 9/11, or any number of events. It’s why we love nostalgia, right!?
There are always benefits to the new you. Currently, I am a more fearless version of myself than I have ever been. I can’t be a people pleaser like I was before. I know myself better than ever. Not losing sight of these positives are helpful.
Who you are now is great, but please remember, you’re allowed to grieve the you that you were before.