I had a panic attack in public last week.
It was supposed to be a happy event/occasion. Our city was having an amazing event all around downtown with lighted art installations. It is one of those things that those of us in a mid-western city will use as a talking point about how great it is to actually live here when someone from a larger costal city appears to judge where we live.
My husband and I were on a rare date. We are not typically, “go downtown” people. We are barely “leave the house” people, but we had a wonderful opportunity to see a comedian we loved, and since we were already downtown, why not head out and enjoy some of the event.
Mistakes Were Made
Before we go any further, I need to explain to you that I **may** be a bit of a control freak. I don’t want to control the people around me, I just want to master the environment around me. See Embracing The Middle to learn more about that. Typically, I research and know everything about what is going on, in this case, I did not. Mistake #1.
Another important note is that since becoming a mother, I’ve had a harder time with sensory overload. I’m not sure if this is a coincidence (my son became a toddler during a pandemic so, I think that may have a pretty big effect). I’ve always been an auditory person. The sound of something clicking or rattling in my car is impossible, if there is beeping in the background of a call is wildly distracting, and don’t even get me started on the sound of someone snoring (I’m feeling aggressive just typing that). I didn’t consider that even though it is a light festival, there would probably be lots of noise too. Mistake #2
Speaking of a pandemic, I am probably not alone in sharing that I am very uneasy being around large groups of people again. I am an introverted extravert or ambivert (whatever the right term is). I have always loved people, conversation, and the energy of being with people. I am also known to love speaking in front of a crowd. But as I age and as we get into a world around people again, I am finding that I struggle being in groups of people. You know where there are many people? Festivals. Specifically light festivals where your city is excited and proud of the festival being put on. Mistake #3
The Panic Attack
If you have made it this far, and read the title, you know where we are going in this tale.
I have had panic attacks before. This is not anything new. Typically though, my panic attacks occur in a place I can easily be alone. Several in my own home and car. I am able to get alone and lay by myself listening to some romance novel or happy podcast (my antidote of choice). It is exceedingly difficult to do that in the middle of a public event, that you took a ride share to, and where seating is not clearly available.
It took a while for me to even realize it was happening. The uneasiness settling in, the tightening of my chest, the world seemed to get smaller and larger at the same time. We were walking from one place to another, I was able to grab my husband’s arm tightly, and he knew something was wrong. We got somewhere a little quieter, I was able to get something out about what was happening, and now I had a team member.
I cannot stress enough, how wonderful and valuable having a team member in this moment was. He was able to step in and help guide me to a place to try to figure out what to do. He was attentive, he did not make me feel bad about what was going on, and he showed that he loved me and was on my team. If you ever have someone in this situation, this is an amazing response. He was trying to be so helpful that he was asking me lots of open ended questions about what he could do. I would not advise this in the future for others. Reflecting now, and when we talked about it later, making decisions and checking if they would be harmful would be the better route. I will reiterate though, that he was amazing, and I am so grateful for him.
There was another soundtrack in my head of racing thoughts, mostly worrying about everyone. I am ruining my husbands evening and letting him down. The people around me must think I am crazy. Don’t cry, they will know. Don’t ruin their night. Why am I like this? What is wrong with me?
We got to a place to sit and be away from people. My husband hugged me. I cried. We worked our way home. Once finally home, I went right up to bed, laid down, and turned on my romance audiobook.
Looking Back
We are a week removed as I sit and write about this. I wish I could tell you I’ve talked to my therapist, had a revelation that cured me, and it will never happen again. Not even a little bit. But, I did have some take aways that maybe will help you work through a panic attack if it ever happens to you.
I was able to talk with my husband and get more from his perspective. I spent all that time during the panic attack worrying about letting him down and ruining his night. My husband is painfully honest and would have told me if I did at that point, but instead he said, “no, we did what I wanted already. I didn’t need us to do anything else.” I hadn’t ruined his night. It made me realize I spent all that energy worrying about everyone else, and no one else mattered. Maybe if I could have toned down the soundtrack, I could have made it out earlier.
I know I joked about mistakes being made, but again, looking back now, those are some things I could potentially plan for. I could have brought some earplugs to help drown out the noise. Maybe going in completely cold was not the best way to try to get over my need to plan and control. Light research and planning can be good for everyone if I recognize its a trigger. I don’t know what to do about the people thing, but I will not let that stop me from trying again in the future.
I genuinely hope that if you find yourself in the middle of a panic attack, this can help you know what to do. If you are ever in the place to be a team member, maybe this can give you some insight and guidance. I am not a medical professional and getting real help is so important.
At the end of the day, even if mistakes were made, you’re worried about other people, and you cry in public, I can assure you, you can make it to the other side.