I have always been a future oriented person. I am always looking to and thinking about the next thing. When I was younger, I always wanted to be older. In high school I couldn’t wait for college, in college I couldn’t wait to be out on my own, out on my own I couldn’t wait to get settled in a house and get married, you get the idea. I was always looking to the next thing.
In many ways this can be great! When you are future oriented you have the ability to almost predict the future and you don’t get too entrenched in how things are. There is a better tendency to adapt to change because you’re always looking for it. It wasn’t until I started therapy — shout out to my personal super heroes the two amazing women who have been my therapists over the years — that I started to realize that I was always looking forward as a way to have certainty.
Friends, I love certainty. I love knowing what is going to happen and being prepared. For example, are we going to a new restaurant? Sweet! Let’s look up the menu and figure out the parking situation to make sure we know what is going on. Am I driving in a new place? No worries! I will just look it up on google maps and even try to look at the street view of a few tricky things to make sure I am prepared. How do we potty train our children? No idea! But, I will do some extensive internet research, listen to a book about it, and ask everyone I know. I attack uncertainty with research. I want to make the right choices. If something goes wrong (which it better not), I want to be able to explain to you how the logic I used was impeccable so that you know that I am still a smart and capable person.
If we are always looking toward the future and looking for certainty, we aren’t enjoying the now. The now is often the middle, and the middle is where life happens.
Attack of the Middle
Once I saw the middle around me, I could not escape it. I live in the middle of the country, am in the middle of my life, and frankly am not at the extremes of anything. Whether that is socio-economic status, ranks in a company or career, or living an exciting jet setting life, I am in the middle. It is extremely important to note, I am so blessed to not be an extreme in what people would think of negatively when it comes to poverty and racial injustice. I have so many privileges that have made that possible for me and I never want to forget them.
I also began to think about the middle and realize that when it comes to food, the middle is almost always my favorite part. If we are having brownies, I want the gooey middle piece (if you’re one of those monsters who buys the only edge piece brownie pans, I just beg you only make that for yourself and consider the rest of us if you’re bringing that to a potluck). While the crusty outside of a piece of bread is wonderful, I am always heading into the soft inner area to savor. And yes, the middle of an Oreo is where I want to be.
What if I looked at all of these middle pieces of life that often got a bad wrap, as the cream filling of an Oreo? What if I celebrated living in the Midwest and going to a great but not the most prestigious school, as I celebrated and defended my center brownie? What if I loved the big moments of parenting, like I loved the crusty piece of bread dunked into soup, but then savored the day-to-day middle part like I loved the middle of my baguettes?
Sometimes the middle can be really messy. As a recovering perfectionist, this hurts. How we relate to the middle can be challenging. That’s why I don’t think we need to conquer the middle, perfect it, or even necessarily celebrate it. We just need to embrace it. We need to let it be what it is and appreciate it for that.
Middle is not Mediocre
The middle is not mediocre. I can hear someone’s pompous uncle saying, “what? Is this lady saying we should all just be mediocre?” No. I highly doubt that anyone would use mediocre to describe me. In discussing the concept of the middle, my husband literally laughed at me and said, “ok Miss Phi Beta Kappa and Intern of the Year, sure, you’re in the middle.” Note, I’m happy to share my transcript and academic achievements, because I would love for someone beside me to care. I can be in the middle and not mediocre. I can strive for my best and still embrace the middle. I can be on social media and share about my life with my family and friends, and not worry that I don’t have thousands of followers. I can not be the CEO of a company, and still be proud of the work I put in and accomplish. My middle can be great for me, and I don’t need to worry about anyone else.
Finally, let’s be clear that I am not good at this. I am figuring this out. Join me in trying to embrace the middle.