Who knew picking up a hobby I have done on and off over the years would turn into a great lesson and example of my progress with the middle.
To be honest, I don’t have much going on in my life, and you probably hear the same things over and over again from me. This is what happens when you barely leave the house. To replace this excitement, I get a bit obsessed. Some days, it’s baking bread, some days, it’s caulking the tub, but many days lately, it has been crochet.
My Relationship with Crochet
My mom is a crocheter. She always seemed magical in her ability to make yarn into something beautiful. She has crocheted blankets for all of her grandkids and many loved ones in our world.
I remember my mom teaching me how to crochet when I was younger. I crocheted a blanket for my stuffed bunny (read: it was just a really big square, but I was proud). Then, I didn’t touch it again for years. In my adult life, I have picked it up a few times here and there, having a deep fixation but only having the attention to make a scarf and hat here and there.
Mom would never tell you she is good at it, but I will tell you, she is. I am… passable. I am very much in the beginner category. I still struggle with dropping or gaining stitches (it truly is a problem for me that Google videos can’t seem to solve). I used to get frustrated and not pick up my crochet hooks for years. I even taught myself how to knit as a form of rebellion… but ran into the same problem so stopped that too.
A few TikTokers I follow are doing crochet while talking, and I just had this instant need to crochet. Maybe this could be the time that I am magically amazing.
Productivity Channel
For some reason, I got it into my head that if I made something practical and usable, not just another hat or scarf, it would stick. So I set my eyes on a market bag. This is basically just a tote bag… but cooler because it’s handmade? Could this be something I could even sell? I began daydreaming about a yarn-based empire (you know with the 4 stitches I know how to do).
Once I had my yarn, I jumped right in and made a gigantic bag. I realized that I once again ran into the issue I was having previously — forgetting to count and keep track of what I am doing and going too far. I also don’t like instructions. I want to get started and then somehow know what to do while I am doing it. That’s reasonable, right?
No worries, I made another one… and that one was probably too small and helped me see that the yarn I had was just too soft. I needed something more sturdy. Different yarn! So I ordered some cord that could be for macrame but could make a good sturdy bag.
I failed.
While I waited for the macrame cord, I was determined to use as much of the yarn as possible. So I began making granny squares at the recommendation of someone on social media. Basically, they are repetitive for her and a great way to keep her hands busy.
This is something I noticed. I was on my phone less. I would just turn on a book or podcast, let my hands work, and feel productive in making something. So much less mindless scrolling.
I found an easy enough looking granny square to make online, and I went for it. I got to the end, felt proud… and realized it’s super messed up.
I had an epiphany – I failed… and it was okay. I was making something for the sake of making it… and it was okay. Heck, I failed several times with my bags thus far, and it was okay! Each time I learned something and adjusted forward. I did not beat myself up for it or declare that I was bad or incompetent. I kept going, and even failed just to fail.
This is huge for me. I realize that to most people, this would seem simple or silly, but for me, it is a pretty huge marker of growth.
I didn’t completely unravel my granny square. Instead, I made a second one and decided I liked parts of it and may use the middle part for something. Just letting the failure be, not trying to fix it or mask it, is a baby step of me embracing the middle.
I ended up making some pretty pieces for the sake of making, little markers of progress over perfection.
Lesson learned but… still struggling.
I’m not totally cured. I made this realization and jumped right back into my productivity and perfection grind. I made a new piece today – a basket that I am really proud of. I am still wondering if this is a thing people would want to buy/how I can make it special and useful.
As usual, kids keep us humble. I asked my son what he thought of me adding one of my decorative pieces I made for the sake of making to the outside of the basket… and he called it disgusting.
He then profusely professed it was a joke. He is still nailing down his sense of humor and didn’t actually mean it was disgusting… but it now makes me laugh, just not the way he intended.
He called me on my crap – I need to continue to embrace the middle and not force my crochet into productivity or perfection.