My husband is not one for the spotlight. I am definitely the attention lover and one to put myself out there. Because of this, I have really tried to be mindful of sharing my perspective here and not infringe on his privacy and tell a story that isn’t mine.
It’s been soooo hard because he has been an integral part of how I make it from one day to the next. I decided to do what I do best, make it about me, and share with you lessons that I have learned from him in this process. Neither of us is perfect, or a martyr, but there is something special happening here that I want to share in my own way.
Lesson 1 – Support doesn’t need to be sappy or look a certain way
People tend to describe me with words like bubbly, outgoing, and even once vivacious, which I still think about. My husband tends to be more reserved. I tend to be effusive with my words and praise, and possibly being too much (which is an essay I am currently working on). He is a man who typically only says the words needed.
My support tends to be about me if I am honest. What can I do for you? It’s quite performative. The perfect picture of a caring and supportive friend or loved one. Who does this help? I guess it could help who I am trying to support, but in real life, it’s not that effective.
He has truly shown me that you can show up and support just as you are. You don’t need to be everything to everyone at every moment. You don’t need to say the right thing, and there isn’t probably even a right thing to say. Showing up is more than enough, it is what is needed.
Lesson 2 – A little bit of pushing is okay
You’ve heard me talking on and on about how much I love my shower chair. I wrote an entire essay about it. But the reality is, it is still very difficult for me to shower, and I require his help most of the time. This means I’m often putting it off more than I should, and trying not to burden him.
The other night he didn’t even ask, he got everything set up and brought me to the shower. It wasn’t because I smelled (I mean I did, this is an honest space), but because it was something he knew would make me feel better, and he was eliminating the barriers that I was putting in the way.
Occasionally when we give too much choice or ask for too much permission, we are planting moments for people to overthink and opt out of our help. There is also an element of putting the burden back on the person you’re helping when this is done. This is something that I really learned and try to keep in mind if I am trying to help someone who is a new mom. They don’t need me to come over, ask how I can help, and take the baby. They need me to show up, say hey, and fold laundry and unload the dishwasher.
Obviously, when it comes to consent, listen to the other person, but you don’t need to ask permission every second to remove the barriers to help them.
Lesson 3 – You get to be supported while supporting someone
I’ll be real honest, this is one we are both working on. You see, I am so nervous that Joe will be completely overwhelmed by taking care of everything. When my big projects for a day are to fold one load of laundry and maybe put in our grocery pickup, you can see how much of our household he has to manage and take care of, on top of our kids and him working.
Because of that, being clear about what actually NEEDS to be done and what would be nice to be done is important. We don’t NEED outside Christmas lights, so they’re not happening this year. We do need the sheets washed every other freaking day, apparently.
It also means that I am working to recruit help for him, not just me. Whether that is giving my extraordinarily productive sister some things she can do while she came over to keep an eye on me after a particularly rough day, or seeing if a friend can take my kids for a few hours on a weekend day, so he can have some rest and non-kid time. He deserves the support too, and I can try to be the one that supports him too.
In Conclusion – My husband is a superhero, but we all have to be cool about it
It’s nothing new, I’ve said it before, and I will say it again. He’s not perfect but, man, is this man showing up. I told a friend that Joe is the person I want help from in the middle of a crisis, and he is really proving me right.
Hopefully, you can take some of the lessons I’ve learned here and use them to support people in your world.
If you didn’t hear – Sharing The Mddl podcast is launching at the end of this month and the trailer came out yesterday! Listen!
I can’t wait for you to join me in listening to these remarkable stories of the middle.