My three year old son has started asking me regularly, “mom, how are you feeling.” Every time he does this, I get a rush of pride and sadness.
I am full of pride because he is developing empathy. I have always hoped to raise a child who is so caring for others. Empathy is a pretty abstract skill that some adults have yet to master, so for him to start seeing me as a person beyond his mom who is struggling, is fantastic.
But that is the point, he is seeing me struggle. I had a super hero of a mother. She was the quintessential never gets sick, plays with you, gets it all done mother. I already knew I wouldn’t be that mother (I’m more of a silly comment and lets chat mom), but now, to feel like I am even less of the mother I wanted to be, is heartbreaking. I don’t want my child to worry about me. As a mother, I want to be his safe space to experiment and grow without having to be concerned whether I am able to show up for him or not.
If I can’t be this for him, who am I?
Deep dive into my identity
It feels very self aggrandizing to sit here and spout of what I think other people think of me or how they would describe me. I try to be a very grounded and even keeled person. Even more important, I am painfully midwestern which means I also have a really hard time talking about myself in any way but adorably humble. So let’s do this, let’s define who I think I am.
I am smart. I am hard-working. I am reliable. I am enjoyable to be around. I am someone you can count on.
I don’t feel like that person right now.
I get many of these definitions from what I do. It means my work and how I am paid, but also how I show up for people in my life. I am a mom who loves to be silly with her kids. I am a friend who wants to show up when you need someone. I am a daughter and a sister and aunt that you can rely on to make you smile.
What happens when I can’t do those things?
Identity Crash
Without going into too much detail of all the things going on in my body (which is something my husband really wants me to sit down and write so I can start handing it to doctors, but I can’t seem to bring myself to do it), my body is letting me down. It has started to randomly do things like, extreme fatigue to the point of not being able to lift my arms and sweating that would impress an Olympic athlete.
You see when your body starts to do these kinds of things, living life gets tricky. How are you supposed to show up and be a good worker, when your brain fog is so bad, words seem to escape you? How are you supposed to show up as a fun mom, when you have to lay down most of the time? How can you show up for friends and family, when you’re having a really hard time showing up for yourself?
So, when I can not do the things that make me myself, who am I?
Markers of Hope
I truly don’t want this to be a writing that is wildly sad or depressing. I don’t want you to walk away from this feeling bad for me. I want you to look around your world to see your identity in action. I want it to make you smile when someone says something reminded them of you because you are a distinct and interesting human being. I want you to savor an unexpected moment of connection.
You see, because that is just the thing, I do still have these things. Frankly, being able to sit here and write this, knowing one person may read it other than me some day and get hope and meaning from it, is happy tears inducing. I have my dear friends, complimenting me on very specific to me phrases, that made them smile. I have my sweet son, telling me I will feel better after I rest then asking me to watch him do this silly jump. My daughter saying mama and laying her head down on me as I lay on the couch. I have my lovely husband fill up my water as a way to show me he loves me.
I am still figuring out who I am in the middle of all of this. Luckily, I have the support system in place to keep reminding me of who I am. I have to search for these moments, but finding them bring me a little peace.
Now I am going to take my lovely son’s, advice and go rest because it will make me feel better.