I sat down to write an entirely different essay, but this one has come erupting out of me, and I have to share it RIGHT NOW.

Creating TikTok videos has become a new favorite pastime of mine. They are designed to be done on a phone, which is my main point of distraction at this point. My “wanting to do things” energy is having a hard time being so physically limited, so my “productivity” is coming out any way that it can. The beauty of these videos is that they can be done quickly and effectively in my phone. I can then receive the instant gratification of posting and seeing people interact with it.

Sharing about what is going on, is at the top of my mind. It’s hard to create engaging and entertaining content when you’re laying down. I am using bursts of energy to explain/talk about my experience and The Mddl. This means I am often trying to explain what is happening in the quickest and effective way possible. Seriously, you get like 2 seconds at best for people’s attention. The best way to do that is with a label, and I’m having a very hard time finding the right labels.

There are two labels that seem the most fitting, but I am having a really hard time using – chronically ill and disabled. There are two key elements holding me back.

Time

We are at a month of what I am marking as the beginning of my severe symptoms. Halloween night I passed out multiple times before rallying just enough to take my children trick or treating (and by taking my children I mean slowly walking behind them, my husband, and mother for half of the route, so I could see some of their joy). It was also the last day I worked or drove normally. I have marked this day in my mind as the day my life changed. While there was plenty leading up to it, it is a pretty solid marker to track.

Every day of this past month has been a struggle. There have been some decent days, and some awful days. Is a month enough time to consider myself chronically ill? Is it enough time to add the label disabled to my identity?

There is a little guidance I found online, that the marker for chronically ill medically is considered a year. Obviously, a month is not a year, but I have been seeing doctors for many of these symptoms in less severe showings, for over a year. As a matter of fact, I have access to my test results and personally obsessively look at the data points over time like they will reveal what is wrong with me. So… does that count? What about all the other things that were wrong with me before this? Do those count?

Disability or disabled is a whole other can of worms because there are medical and legal definitions for it. It is an entire can of worms that I frankly don’t have the attention or fortitude to figure out. For this one – severity appears to be key.

Severity

As I said previously, every day looks different. I have an increasing number of times in the morning where I struggle to get up and move (like literally at all) and then on and off moments throughout the day. I am a bit wobbly and shaky when I walk, so I have mostly confined myself to my bed and upstairs to prevent any potential issues.

When I rest, I tend to mentally be ok and not in actual pain. There is some numbness in my hands and feet. This kills me when I just want to type a message or just navigate my phone. But overall, while I rest, I’m generally okay, just limited in what I can do.

This is where my brain is having a hard time figuring out if all of this is my head. Yes, I’m okay while I lay, but then I get up, am shaky in my walking, and could easily fall and hurt myself. It only takes once to be severely injured, so I have to take it seriously… but am I being overly cautious? So, am I sick enough to be chronically ill? Am I limited enough to be considered disabled?

Frankly, I just don’t know. Even if I don’t meet the governmental definitions, does that mean I can’t call myself it to find my community?

Comparison is the thief of joy (or self labeling in this case)

It is easy for me to look around and compare myself to others who are chronically ill or disabled. It is not my intention to minimize or disrespect the challenges these individuals have. I would love to say that these terms don’t scare me, but of course, they do. I am a person who lives in our world, not acknowledging the biases that go along with each of these labels would be a severe error.

Taking a step back, there are many other places that we don’t give ourselves labels because we don’t think we deserve them. I still have a hard time calling myself a writer, even though I have been showing up and doing this consistently. I am even a third place contest award-winning writer – don’t forget that. Likewise, I’ve run a half-marathon, and still wouldn’t call myself a runner (especially not now).

If I had to guess, there are many places in your life where you’re afraid to give yourself a label that you could rightfully use. This is just an insidious aspect of imposter syndrome that is not helpful.

The reality is that it probably doesn’t matter. If someone has a problem with me calling myself these things, I would welcome them to explain it to me and help me find the right words. Labels can be hard, don’t use them to beat yourself up for not being “enough” of something.

Seriously though… feel free to follow me on TikTok.