This week marks my 7th wedding anniversary, which naturally makes me think about marriage.
While I share some things here, the inner workings of my marriage are something I haven’t shared much about because that wouldn’t be fair. My marriage isn’t just mine, it’s also my husband’s. To respect his experience, privacy, and story, I will talk about marriage generally and from solely my point of view.
Why write about it at all? Well, being in year 7 got me thinking about the 7 year itch and how it can really seem like the middle of marriage. I had to explore it further, as a good friend in the middle would do.
The 7 Year Itch
In popular culture, The 7 Year Itch is the movie that has the iconic Marilyn Monroe sewer grate moment. At some point in my late teens or early twenties, I did try to watch this movie (because I thought it made me cultured?) and couldn’t get through much of it. I could never be the cool girl who watched old movies like I thought I wanted to be. That being said, it made enough of an impact to remember that the 7th year of marriage is when satisfaction greatly declines.
I did some serious research and found that “The seven-year itch is a popular belief, sometimes quoted as having psychological backing, that happiness in a marriage or long-term romantic relationship declines after around seven years” (Wikipedia). If the phrase, sometimes quoted as having psychological backing doesn’t make you believe in it, I don’t know what will. In all seriousness, take a look at the article because it does talk about marriage satisfaction and divorce rates that I found interesting.
It also made me realize that the movie was made in 1955 and probably didn’t take into account that my husband and I were together for 6 years before getting married. We probably hit the “7 year itch” time and moved past it already. Or not, I don’t know, and I don’t care because…
Obviously this Concept is Crap
Look, my marriage isn’t perfect, but I’m feeling pretty secure in it and don’t have any actual concerns about hitting a 7 year itch. It is an interesting thing to think about though.
When you sign up for marriage, most people go into it with the intention for life. My family has a history of long-lasting marriages. My grandparents were married for 63 years, and my parents are going on 43 this year. If I go by these examples in my life, 7 years is NOTHING.
I do think that this 7 year itch might mark the true “middle” of marriage. Certainly no longer newlyweds or in the early years of your marriage. Marriage could definitely feel like a never-ending middle… there is no expected end. As I write this, I realize that while divorce is can be devastating, it’s not a failure. It is simply the end to a middle that didn’t need to continue. It could end up being a much-needed end.
Marriage is Deeply Personal
I was scared to write those last two sentences. We all have our own individual beliefs about marriage, what it should look like, and the rules surrounding it. I would never want someone who has gone through a divorce to think I was placing any kind of judgment on them – whether positive or negative. The same way when someone declares they don’t want to get married, I don’t have an opinion.
Marriage is not something to be compared. I’ve learned it’s kind of like my relationship with clothing – the way something fits on me is going to be way different than how it fits on someone else, so we can make our own choices about what fits. I can admire someone else’s, see something work for them and not for me, and opt out of trends or advice that doesn’t serve me.
At the end of the day, I see my marriage as sacred. It is not sacred because of any religious beliefs or because it is perfect. It is sacred because it is mine.
Marriage is Communication
The one piece of advice or consideration I will leave you with is that marriage is built through communication. Whether you like it or not, you are always communicating and creating meaning together. Sometimes (especially in a marriage), the choice to not communicate is communicating some meaning anyway.
Consider the meaning you’re creating together and continue to work to make sure the meaning is truly shared and something you want.
I am proud of the meaning we’ve created together over the past 7 years.