I keep having more and more good days. This is an achievement and something to celebrate. So, I wanted to document the goodness of a good day, but also be clear about the rough parts.
I know we’d all like to think it’s all sunshine and rainbows, there is the other side of a good day, which can often take the form of a bad day or bad thoughts – let’s jump in.
Getting Back to Myself
I’ve talked before about the grieving of my previous self. I’ve heard people talk about their previous bodies thinking how good they had it and how they would love to have it now. This is kind of what it is like to me – daydreaming about the things that my previous body was capable of. On a good day, I feel close to being that old self. I feel close to having the energy that I used to. I feel close to filling up a room like I think I did before.
The joy of getting there, of building, being close to that person that I was, really comes down to control. With this control, I feel more capable of building a life that I am excited and proud of. On a good day, I have more control, I don’t have the same barriers.
Even with my illness and even on my bad days, I am really seeing how I am building a life that is amazing. That it is one that I’m excited to talk about and be a part of. On good days, even with that higher level of control, there are aspects of that old life that I don’t feel like I have now.
I don’t think that’s necessarily sad. I think it’s helping me see how that old version of me fits into this new version. She comes in different ways at different times. She isn’t lost, and I’m still a whole.
Building a bank of gratitude
It is so true that once you lose something, you appreciate it more than you did before.
This weekend, my kids and I had an impromptu dance party. It was so fun to just dance and be silly with them because that’s in the place that they were and I could meet them there. This isn’t something that I can do every day, but on Sunday I could. My daughter and I danced, and then my son came in and he danced, and there was a moment where we were just all dancing and laughing and being happy. Man, I savored it and I seriously felt a joy like never before.
My whole life, I have been good at having moments where it feels like my chest is about to explode with happiness. I could always really take that feeling in, cement it, and love it. But now I have that feeling and I can cement it, love it, and just deeply appreciate it like never before.
I recently saw a clip from an interview with Michael J. Fox where he talks about how gratitude makes optimism sustainable. That with gratitude, we are able to be more positive in our outlook because we can identify the good that we have now. I think that’s really what comes down to.
On my good days, I am filling up that gratitude bucket. I am filling it up so that I can be optimistic on the next downturn.
The Dark Side of a Good Day
I really do think it’s important to talk about the dark side of a good day. Life is full of its ups and downs. If we don’t talk about the downs, if we don’t talk about the shadowy parts, we all believe that we don’t have them, that we are alone in those struggles, and that’s just not true.
Even these good days have their shadows, and I’m gonna tell you about mine.
Guilt
Every once in a while, on a good day, I have this thought that I wouldn’t be having this good day if it wasn’t for the time and energy that my family puts in to help me on my bad days. And yes, that’s a positive, but it comes with so much guilt. The guilt that I took advantage of them to get this good day.
I know that may sound like backward thinking, and frankly it is, it is backward thinking. My family helps me because they love me and because they want my good days. Even with that, there’s this little voice in my head that doesn’t think that I deserve it. That I am making it all up and I am taking advantage of them.
I’m not making it up.
I’m saying that mostly for myself and also to appease my worry that people think I am. It’s a fear that I have. It’s a fear that I need to let go of.
Good days are predictors of bad days
So, good days have guilt. Good days also often bring bad days.
On a good day, I want to do everything I can. Because of that, sometimes one good day can mean two bad days. Honestly, in the long run, I am very, very happy to have one good day for every two bad days. That’s a trade I’m willing to make, but it’s an equation that I am always running in my head.
I am two days out from one of my best days so far, and I am dictating this on my phone because my body really can’t handle much more like sitting up and typing. Isn’t technology magical that that is possible? I’ll never think that’s not cool.
So, yeah, the good days come with costs, but the good days are worth it. And by appreciating those good days, I can easily make it through the bad.
And that’s my ode to a good day.