I’m too impatient for this shiz
I would love to lie to you and tell you that I am so patient. I would love to tell you that I am at one with the world and whatever comes my way will be enough.
I’m not and it isn’t.
You see I am woman of action. I don’t like to sit and wait for things to come. I like to make them happen. This is a really hard place to be when most of what you can do is lay, and you have to rely on other people for big pieces of things. You know like doctors or lab techs with test results.
But the impatience doesn’t just apply to trying to decide what is going on with my body, my impatience is ever present. My current life circumstance has made my impatience a much bigger aspect of my life than I would like to admit.
Impatience is Nothing New
This is one of the sides of myself that I try to keep hidden when possible (like my intense competitive side that pops out when any party game starts), but I am a snoop. If there is a present in my future, I want to know what it is. If there is a surprise coming my way, I want to find it out. I want all the information possible, whether it ruins someone else’s surprise or not. My compulsion to know is too strong.
I’m sneaky too. My family is big on Christmas lists. We would make a list and give it to my mom every year to distribute to the necessary family members who would be buying us gifts. My mom would end up with a folded pile of Christmas lists that she would cross off once she knew someone was buying a certain gift. Once I figured this out, I would sneak looks at my list (always folded next to the home phone with her purse) to see what gifts I would be getting and stay up to date on my progress.
I know. I told you, I am not proud of this.
If it makes you feel any better, my husband has now taken this aspect of my personality and really uses it to torture me. If there is a surprise coming my way, he just tells me there is a surprise, and no more information. If he has bought a present, he will tell me that he got one, and then no more information. Because he knows I am a snoop, and isn’t a mother of 5 kids trying to keep a dang household together, he knows I will find any low hanging fruit.
Technology has only aided and abetted my snooping ability, and led recently to a let down that made me really evaluate my relationship with waiting in the middle.
Awaiting Amazon (a tale of woe)
I am currently struggling with my current ability state. There are terms that may apply to me (chronically ill or disabled), but I am still navigating the right terms. At the moment I have landed on newly/temporarily disabled.
I’ve discovered by giving myself this status, I have given myself permission to take the necessary actions to make my life easier. This means buying items that help adjust my life to my ability level. What elements can I introduce into my life that will make my life easier and better? It all started with a desk – a desk that I could use while laying down. I had the technology (desktop with wireless keyboard/mouse), I just needed the infrastructure.
I found what was the right desk, kept an eye on it to see if there were any Black Friday sales on it. and there were! Yay! (Here is the Instagram Reel I made about it that for some reason has become the single most popular piece of content I’ve created on social media so far). Then the countdown was on – my life would be able to commence again once I got my desk up and rolling. I could start working towards making all these ideas and dreams I have been thinking about a reality.
Tracking packages is the digital equivalent to my snooping. If you give me any access, I will take full advantage of it. The day came – it was being delivered. Not only was it being delivered, but it was being delivered on a Sunday, meaning my sweet husband could assemble it for me and I could attack the new week with gusto from my laying down set up.
My bed overlooks the street when the curtains are open. I love the natural light coming in and it just makes me happy, so they stay open most days. I can see cars coming up and down the street. I had the app open and could see where the driver was. The Amazon Driver was 3, 2, 1 stop away! I saw the van pull up, stop for a bit, and then pull away, no desk to be delivered.
My driver going away was the equivalent of a kid having the ice cream they patiently awaited fall off of the cone the moment they go to take a bite. So close, but no result.
I cried.
My solution. My lifeline was lost.
My Middles that Will Not End
Let’s be real here – I know how ridiculous it is for me to cry over a delayed delivery. But the more I think about it, the delivery is such an apt analogy for many of the other things that I am going through right now.
The process of figuring out what is “wrong” with me is a LONG one. There keep being moments of learning what is not wrong with me. No you don’t have these lists of things, your labs here look healthy, heart looks great, come back in 6 months. Yes these each are good things, but each time it is like the Amazon driver just pulling away again. No solution, no plan of attack, stuck here again in the middle.
The same could be said for The Mddl, this little business I am building. With every post, newsletter, and email sent, its like maybe this is it, this is the one that is going to get the momentum going to feel like I am making the progress to show it was the right move. Then there is no response, new subscribers, or followers to show that forward momentum.
I wish I had some kind of magical life changing piece of advice to put here of how I’ve overcome this. That’s just not possible, as I am still here with you in the middle. I will try to hope that it all works out just as well as my new desk did once it was finally delivered.
