What does Positivity look like in The Middle of a Struggle? Is it Toxic Positivity?

This may be an annoying toxic post about how maybe all of this is the best thing to happen to me?

I’m an optimist. I have always been. There is no secret sauce recipe I can give you about how to be one. I wish I could because I could make some excellent money with it.

In general, I am able to see the bright side of life and not get too bogged down in thinking the worst in the world and people. This doesn’t mean that I am infallible to negativity, I can definitely get down in the dirt with it. I’ve discussed before that I have been able to train my mind to look at the world through a lens of ridiculousness/silliness. This lightheartedness is a key to me being able to show up every day and maybe believe it will be a day of laughter.

On a good day last week, I had a moment of insane positivity. Maybe I am going through these issues because my life needed changing. Maybe when I look back on my life, I will think that this the turning point that I become my most ideal self. The next day, I went to the hospital and had a moment in the hospital where I thought, “I will never get better, this is my life now.”

This juxtaposition of these two very different mindsets has gotten me thinking, is positivity in the middle of a struggle fruitless? Am I just being dramatic? Is there a right mindset to have?

Maybe She’s Born with it, Maybe it’s Toxic Positivity

As an overly self-aware optimist, I am constantly on the look for toxic positivity. Toxic positivity is forced optimism that refuses to acknowledge the difficulties, hardships, or circumstances of an individual. It requires positivity at all costs, and does not acknowledge feelings. It is easy for me to see this toxic positivity in others, and then instantly worry that I am doing the same thing.

Let’s be clear, there is definitely toxic positivity in me. I think I have gotten so good at being positive that I have figured out how to ignore and not even acknowledge the negative feelings I feel (I talked about this a bit in Avoiding The Middle).

I’ll speak on this in a future essay, but I am always worried about being “dramatic.” That my emotions and feelings are too much. I think I use this positivity as a weapon to be able to not be dramatic. I almost use my positivity as a way to make myself smaller.

To not be dramatic, or to not be toxically positive, let’s lay out exactly what I am going through.

Just the Facts

So to make sure I am not overly romanticizing or exaggerating, let’s lay out all the facts about what is going on with me.

The bad

1. I have periods of severe weakness of my limbs.
2. This weakness can be so profound, that it feels almost like paralysis and walking is a challenge.
3. I have random ticks and body spasms, some getting big enough to take over my body.
4. I have so much fatigue that getting up and going to the bathroom some days feels like I have run a marathon.
5. I often have cold sweats that can be so bad that I will have to change my clothes.
6. There are times when my brain fog makes me search for words and not fully be present.
7. Difficulty swallowing is getting increasingly more prevalent.
8. Going places, working consistently, and being a reliable person has gotten difficult.
9. Money is a bit of a question mark.
10. I have a hard time showing up for my family beyond physically being there.

The good

1. I have a remarkable supportive partner, sweet children, and a support network of people who love me.
2. This has made me stop, look around in my professional world, and attempt to build something I never thought was possible.
3. I have opportunities that I have jumped on that will contribute to my future success.
4. I’ve met some of the most interesting and lovely women
5. I create every day, and I love it.
6. I’m starting to listen to my body and not ignore it when it signals me.
   

When you look at it objectively, the bad is outweighing the good right now. It is not dramatic for me to talk about how my life is challenging. I don’t need to take the positivity to mask the bad.

But I also don’t need to wallow in the bad.

At Least it’s not my Villain Origin Story

The jury is still out on whether this will be a turning point in my life that I reflect on as positive or negative. The more I talk and think about the middle, the more I realize that we are often trying to tell our stories before they have actually concluded. It is so tempting to lay down the absolutes of, the best moment or worst moment of my life.

I like being a positive person. I like that I am able to laugh at the bizarre things that are happening to me. I was talking during a podcast last week and the tip and edges of my tongue went numb. How ridiculous is that? Just the tip and edges (see illustration below). How can I not look at that and laugh?

My promise to you is to be authentic and call me out on the moments where toxic positivity is creeping in to make myself smaller. I think it is safe to say this isn’t yet my villain origin story (although if one more doctor at the hospital asked me why I came in, making me feel dumb for coming to the ER when my entire body was spasming, it could have been).

The countdown is on to the launch of Sharing The Mddl Podcast. I’ve recorded several episodes, and they are truly magical (in my humble opinion). Make sure you’re subscribing to it on your podcast app of choice and ready for the first episode to drop on December 28th.