I’ve been working on a piece about imposter syndrome for a few weeks now. As usual, I find that if the words aren’t flowing, that means there is something wrong with the premise of the essay I am writing.
I finally realized today, that I couldn’t write something about being an imposter, when I feel like a straight-up failure.
You see, being an imposter implies that you’ve gotten to where you are and are faking it… I am faking it, but I’m nowhere close to being where I want to be.
Past Relationship with Imposter Syndrome
It’s no secret that I have always been an overachiever.
In my past professional work experiences, I was often the youngest person in the room. I would look around and have this feeling of not feeling good enough to be there. I’ll be honest, looking back, there were a few times when I wasn’t quite qualified (not necessarily in skills, but mindset). Usually, though, I was definitely qualified. My voice was needed and valuable.
Looking back, I wish I could tell that to previous Lacey, how great she was. That she would find so much more joy in the process if she could just relax a little bit and trust the skills and experiences that got her to where she was.
I also wish I could tell her that she’s going to have real failure in the future to be able to help her see the difference.
Experiencing “failure”
I have never been fired from a job before. There were times when I felt it wasn’t feeling right, talked to others in the organization, and made a move. Each time I left those places, I had another job lined up and left on the best of terms.
I wasn’t fired from my last job… I just ceased working there.
Maybe that sounds like semantics to you, but it’s an important fact for me. I physically could not do the job the way I was previously, and then I didn’t work there anymore. It was out of my hands, it had nothing to do with my capability. There is so much more here, but it’s not relevant to this essay. What is significant is that I was left without a job and no future prospect in sight for the first time in my life.
The Mddl was my Saving Grace
When I started The Mddl, the plan was for it to make money some day, but to take my time getting there and find the joy in the process. Without my job anymore, I NEEDED The Mddl to make money NOW.
The past few months, if you’ve been along for the ride at all, you’ve seen me try this in action. I set my first quarter goals, some of which I thought I was making low purposely to be able to achieve them. We are getting to the end of the first quarter and… I’m not going to meet them.
Being the content creator that I have started to become, I posted a TikTok/Reel this week talking about how I won’t be meeting my quarterly goals. I posted it before the end of the quarter because I knew that once I hit March 31st, the failure would be crushing… and I wasn’t even close.
I started getting feedback from quite lovely people. Many assuring me that I was not a failure and that I have definitely made progress. This is great advice and well-meaning, but I did fail. The failure has helped me realize something important.
I was stuck in the mindset that was no longer serving me.
Letting Go of a Mindset
I had created a narrative in my head that I should have one job, that job had to make all of my money, and money meant success. For The Mddl to grow in profit as a business, it has to have a clear following. I need the numbers to be able to show to potential brand partners and people to trust and care enough to spend their money for more.
That’s going to take time (at least if I want to do it in a way I feel ethically good about). I have planted a seed, I need to let the plant grow—me watching it wasn’t making it happen faster. I need to separate The Mddl from money.
The minute I did this, I took the pressure off and have felt so much lighter.
My failure was related to being an imposter, just differently
At the end of the day, I was being an imposter, just not in the way that I thought.
I still must make money, and the good news is that I have other skills and ideas to be able to make it happen. It still will not be a traditional job like it was before because I, frankly, can’t do that. Something is coming together (you can check out themddl.laceytomlinson.com for a little sneak peek), and it isn’t something straightforward, and that’s okay!
I need to start releasing the expectations and worries about what other people think. I’ve done this some, but in other ways I have not. When your reality changes, all aspects of your life are allowed to change.
I still worry about my family judging me for not having a job. Similarly, I worry about my previous work acquaintances seeing what I put out there and rolling their eyes about me thinking I am something special (which I am, so screw them if they do think that).
I’m shedding all of these expectations because it is making me be an imposter differently. I get to define my success and how I get there.