I was venting to a friend about how hard it had become to go to Costco on my own. Between the chronic illness and all the physical demands - the bending over, picking up heavy items, maneuvering the giant cart - it had become overwhelming. I wasn't asking for help, just sharing my frustration.
Her response changed how I think about offering support: "Well, I can go with you and help."
Not "let me know if you need anything." Not "I'm here if you need me." Just a clear, specific offer. And then she followed through - the next few times she went to Costco, she reached out to see if I needed anything so we could plan a trip together.
That's when I realized the difference between well-meaning words and actual support often comes down to one thing: specificity.
Why Specific Offers Change Everything
"What can I do to help?" might sound supportive, but when you're already overwhelmed, that question actually adds more to your plate. Now you have to figure out what you need, decide if it's reasonable to ask, work up the courage to say it out loud, and then manage the guilt of accepting help.
A specific offer removes all of that. It shows you've thought about their situation, you're ready to act, and all they need to do is say yes or no. No mental calculations. No guilt. Just a simple answer.
Here are five alternatives that make it easier for people to actually accept your help:
- "I am heading to the pharmacy, do you need anything picked up?"
- "I would love to drop off a meal. Do you all have any dietary restrictions or other limitations?"
- "I'd love to spend some time with the kids and help get them out of your hair for a bit. Can we plan a time for me to take them out?"
- "Can I help with some spring cleaning or purging? I know it can take lots of effort moving stuff around and I am happy to help!"
- "What you're going through is so hard. If you ever just need someone to listen, I would be happy to."
You're awesome for wanting to support your loved one. Giving them something specific lets them know you aren't just all talk - you're ready to actually show up.
The key is making offers that match what you can actually do. My friend didn't offer to do all my Costco shopping for me forever - she offered to go with me when our schedules aligned. Specific AND realistic is the sweet spot.
And if they say no to your offer? That's okay too. Maybe the timing isn't right, or maybe they need something different. You can always try again with another specific offer later. The goal isn't to force help on someone - it's to remove the barriers that make accepting help so hard in the first place.
This is something I think about a lot as both someone who needs support and someone who wants to give it. We all deserve a village that knows how to show up for each other, and sometimes that starts with changing one simple question.
You Got This!