At the beginning of The Mddl, I skirted around talking about my symptoms and potential diagnoses. I never wanted to have to go back and have to say, “just kidding, I’m fine and this was all me being dramatic.” I was going to doctors weekly, new diagnoses thrown out as possibilities, only to be eliminated about a week or two later with another “normal” test result.
It was overwhelming, confusing, and overall just far too much. I scheduled out a few more of the more difficult to get into appointments, realized they were months away, and decided to take a break.
I needed a break from the constant recapping of what was going on. I needed a break from the disappointing news.
I just needed a break.
Did you know breaks can actually work?
I started the break with the sheer determination of not seeming lazy (which looking back now it is like… that's so unhelpful, come on man). I set up intense trackers of my symptoms and moods. I would conduct mini experiments on when I ate certain things or took medicine. In true Lacey fashion, I lost interest in this pretty quickly when there didn’t appear to be concrete answers.
Over time, I started to actually tune into my body. I started to understand my energy envelopes better and how to pace myself. I started to think in less terms of absolutes and definitive answers, but gut instinct and feelings.
I learned that if I listened and honored my body, not forcing it all the time to bend to my will, it gave me more.
This probably sounds so flighty and confusing. The reality is, I don’t know how to explain it. I would love to be able to give you a detailed list or instructions on what I mean, but I can’t. I need to stop trying to impose a system of logic on my body. Instead, I have come to a place of letting it be and just listening to it.
I have not reached “answers.” it is still something I am learning about day to day, but I have fallen into a healthy and respectful rhythm with my body.
Labels are powerful
As I write, I am realizing that this middle has given me the space to not label. This may be why I have been struggling to write the past few weeks. I would rather not narrate or overanalyze my current state.
You see, by attempting to label or give something a name, we are putting it into a box. We are defining it. This can be great, and sometimes very helpful. For example, by allowing myself the label of disabled, I have created space in my world for the help and accommodations that have made it easier to live my life. I am grateful for this label.
The process of getting a diagnosis, is just the process of getting a label. That label will enable me to talk to other people a bit easier about what is going on. It may even enable me to get more help in the future. Here are the drawbacks, though:
- My body is going through what it is going through, with or without that label.
- The label is still made up (I’ve learned more than ever that diagnosis is a very human process, not as scientific truth as we tend to see it)
- It is someone else’s label for me, and with that comes expectations and baggage.
I fear that label will impede on this little oasis of comfort and power I have curated in this in-between time.
Not wanting to see the end
As they say, all good things must come to an end. Those far off doctor's appointments are actually approaching now and frankly, I am uneasy.
Typically, when I discuss the middle I am referring to this place I find discontent and frustration, yet here is a place that I’ve found comfort and solace. I have learned to find true acceptance and found peace in the process. It is what I have been striving for when it comes to the phrase, Embracing The Messy Middles of Life.
I am still going to go to my appointments and try to figure out how to bring this new peace into the diagnosis process. Stay tuned.