Family Threads That Shape Our Stories

Welcome to sharing the middle, or we share stories

about the messy middle of life.

I'm Lacey, and I'm going to continue to share and hope that you see

yourself in some of these stories.

So today's episode is a continuation from my previous episode.

That was a conversation with my cousin Al.

in this, we really dive deeper into how our family.

Stories have impacted our individual identities.

I really appreciate, Al's willingness to share her experience.

So candidly and I hope she gets to write that book one day.

I think that there's some really cool universal themes in here

about feeling like the outsider.

Wanting to be accepted and.

Just loving yourself.

Take a listen.

Here's my conversation with Al About my family.

Threads that shape our stories.

Being, I feel like you and I are, we're in very similar places of I'm

a lot younger than everybody else as far as like where I'm at in life.

I'm not having kids right now.

I am not doing that for a long time.

I did, I did try.

I settled down for a little bit, but now I'm back to living for, myself,

and I've got to figure that back out

Tell me, I want to ask more about that.

You settled down.

we can talk

I just am trying to think about, I'm more curious about your thought

process in that, of like you, it sounds to me, like I compromised for a little while.

It didn't work out.

So now I'm going my own route, which I think is awesome and which, I do, I am

curious that, You would feel pressure to do things a certain way because our

family also is very traditional in a lot of ways of you grow up, you get married,

you have kids, you do this, this, and this, like, I, a lot of our aunts, I

had, I'd been at UC for like 10 years, but I had switched jobs at UC and she

was like, you always have a new job.

And I'm like, but I've been at the same place forever, what are you talking

about ? And then I just had this moment of Very, it's different experiences.

It's fine.

It's different experiences, and so I am curious if, and I think it maybe also

goes back to this idea of I feel like Nat could have been a really good, I don't

want to say buffer, but another soul in that of doing things in your own way.

And I don't know, does any of that make sense?

Yes.

No, I definitely march to the beat of my own drum, just like she did,

and she gives me the confidence to do that, on the days that I don't need it.

But, yes.

I, so for me, as far as settling down, eventually, that sounds great one day,

I, everything that happened with my endometrial hyperplasia and is still

happening put a perspective on children for me and I've had to have a lot of

really hard conversations within myself with my therapist, with my partner who

I've been with for almost two years.

So that's put a perspective.

And I also love the idea of just being the really cool aunt and having that

Carrie Bradshaw and big sex in the city life, cause I love the city.

I am not a suburbs girl.

I'm not a country gal like that's not me.

and so that is something that I would love to do.

I'd also love to open a dog rescue, those are my goals.

In life, but the traditional marriage and having kids and being a mom.

I definitely am one that's gonna say, um, that's not my life.

And I know to the older generation, it's like, well, that's how we do things.

And I know that I am sure I've taught a lot of our aunts and

uncles lessons, and they've had to realize that's not how I do things.

And they love me for it.

My shaved head and my tattoos but I think that I am a good lesson for

all of them as well because I am always keeping them on their toes.

So bizarre for me to hear because I have the same

thought and I have followed the, that path, you know what I mean?

yes, I did.

Take longer to get married.

I did took longer to have kids and that kind of stuff Which

let me just say in the world.

I was still very young by a lot of people's

standards.

Okay?

You were writing.

So just I just need a little you know, when I say traditional really

traditional and so I just, I guess for me, it's, I want to make sure you know that

I hear that in the back of my head too.

And I've done all the right things, quote unquote.

So you're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't, you

just got to do what you want.

And that's how I think of it.

We only have one life and you're the only person living it and

that's just, that's my motto,

I, I had a thought last night as Isaac was screaming at me.

of I should have just been the cool aunt.

So I fully support you.

I love my children.

I think it's very clear.

Anybody who's ever listened to this podcast or knows me, I love my children.

But as soon as someone says they're child free by choice, I'm like, get it.

I understand.

Yes.

And I'm a nanny, so it's, I get that fix.

I actually, I'm a nanny right now to a two year old and a seven month old, and

I've been with him since he's two weeks.

So I'm getting that fix that if, I need it, it's there.

But on my weekends, I enjoy it very much.

Not having a

Having someone in the yellow, other room yelling, wipe my butt.

right?

Give me a snack.

I want fruit snacks.

I want fruit snacks.

Give me fruit

I, one of my reasons why I didn't have kids until I did is because at

family parties, the kids get to eat first.

And I'm like, no, I don't want to feed my kids first.

I want to feed me first.

And making multiple

plates.

That's,

I don't know if you've noticed, I go with the kids.

I make multiple plates, but I'm making myself a plate.

I'm part of this.

This is my stance.

Yes.

Yes.

Exactly.

it.

would.

I would.

I am curious, and we can talk about this if you want.

You are legally changing your name, though, to Al.

Yes,

I am, since that kind of fits in this conversation, do you have, is it

just that's who you feel like you are?

It's what people call you?

I don't know.

I'm just curious about that.

I, it fits, I have gone by Allie my entire life.

that name to me, I have, when you, I'm not gonna say who, because there's more than

one, but when you have a name screamed at you your whole life, it's very, it's just

very triggering and, it's very direct.

especially on things where I didn't really even deserve to get yelled at.

I got the brunt of somebody's bad day.

And, so for me, just Allie is very negative.

it has a lot of bad memories and, it, it just reminds me of

somebody that I'm just not anymore.

but yes, so I am changing my name.

I feel like Al.

I will, I don't mind to share this.

I also went through, a mental stay at a hospital for a suicide attempt

And it was lessons, but I never truly forgot.

felt like myself.

I also didn't love myself ever until after that.

so just after loving myself and falling in love with myself and who I

am and just everything that I am now, Allie, that's, it's just not Allie.

It's Al and Al is strong and Al loves life and I was just

the best, I'm just really cool.

I'm

You are really cool.

I completely agree.

100%.

so cocky to say, I just, as Allie, I never would have said

that, like I hated myself forever.

Like as long as I can remember, even a kid,, I'm proud to say that

I really love myself because I know there's a lot of people that

don't, even grown adults that don't.

I know some very close grown adults to me that I fear will never love their

selves, And, so I take pride in that because I just want everyone to be happy.

I know that's so unrealistic, especially in today's world,

but that is just truly my motto.

I just want everyone to Just be happy and especially after.

everything that all the death, you know, even that's just like such

like a tiny portion of at least for my life, most people after that.

I know a lot of people when they have all the death, they just it

overcomes them and it becomes them.

And I think even me and you know, some people that has affected and,

I just, that's just not a problem.

Who I am.

I do still think I want to have Allison in there.

just because I think that is really cool.

she was so cool, she was the cool aunt.

she moved to California.

She

She was the hippie of the family too.

She was like the free spirit, which I have never felt like a free spirit.

So it just makes me feel like I could be a little bit closer to being a free spirit.

you should.

It's fun.

I, out of my siblings, my mom calls me her little hippie child and my

dad calls me his flower because I'm like a little flower and I

just, and that is, that is me.

And my dad tells me a lot that at times that I remind her of, remind

him of her and like that aspect,

I do, I had a thought earlier and I didn't ask you about this and if

you don't want to talk to it, it's fine.

But I will say you were the first and only person in our

family to ever come out, right?

Yes.

Yes.

That I know.

I just wanted to say, you're awesome because you did, you, I hate

saying that it's brave because you are just who you are and I, but being

who you are and being who you are out loud in a very traditional family

and that kind of stuff is very hard.

So I just, I want you to know that's seen and recognized, and cool.

Thanks.

Natalie's actually the first person I came

Oh yeah.

Yeah, we were at Aunt Lainey's for something, and we went on a walk

to that park that is right there.

And we were just walking in that trail, and I just told her.

And it's, we have a saying called, It's from, we say, you dig?

I don't know if you've ever seen me say that.

I was talking to, I was talking to a girl and Natalie, I was

like talking to Natalie about it.

I doubt she really wanted anything to do with it.

But I was talking to her, and we were just like doing, I was in the 8th

grade, so pick up lines and stuff, and one of them, she said, like, you dig,

and anyways, Natalie read it, and she was like, no, I don't have a shovel.

We kind of have always been like, at the, love you, you dig, that's

where we would end our text messages.

but yeah, so she's who I came out to first, and I will say our

family was actually very welcoming.

And your Ludwig aunts helped me a lot, too, and gave me courage, and I love,

I don't see them out a lot, but anytime I do, I always just say hi, and, I knew

for sure I would, because I was a little nervous, but I knew for sure That my uncle

Bob's family was going to be okay with it, And I love all of our family and now

all of our aunts and uncles, they were okay with it, but I knew just in case.

I would have you guys and I knew I, you know, and I had Nat, but come to find out

every, I was very lucky in that sense.

I, with my parents, it wasn't so much that took a little bit.

I was also very young, though.

I knew very young.

I knew when I was in kindergarten.

that's just.

something wasn't there and so I was outed in the 6th grade, the

summer going into the 6th grade and.

my parents of course were like, no, it's a phase.

And, then my mom went and she met a bunch of ladies and at rehab, I will

say that cause she is proud of that.

my mom went to rehab and she is proud of that.

And, that helped her tremendously.

Understand me and everything.

And now she's like, it's, it's pride month.

And she's just like, so cute about it.

Or She was like, I was watching, this show and she was trying to describe it.

And I was like, RuPaul's drag race.

And she was like, yeah, I was watching that.

And I was like, mom, why are you watching RuPaul's

it's delightful.

It's joy.

And it just, it made me laugh.

And.

my dad's always been, he's been cool with it too.

I remember crying one day and cause I was watching a Grey's Anatomy episode of

when, Arizona's talking to Callie's dad.

And my dad walked in and I was crying and he was like, why are you crying?

And I was like.

who's gonna walk me down the aisle at my wedding if I marry a female and

he's like well I am and so like that moment will always be really special

to me and To tie that together.

Our first dance song was tiny dancer by Elton John And the

reason for that is because him and Kitty always listen to that.

So my dad shared that with me But anyways, everyone's been great.

My family's been loving Go gay people.

I know not everyone has that experience, but I feel very

lucky and blessed that I did.

And all of you were at my wedding.

and it was just, it was really cool.

This is an interesting companion to the Barbie episode that we did,

that I did with my cousin Lydia and my sister Becky because that was a big

eye opener for me in talking about, oh, me having Ludwig's are similar

in that we don't talk about anything.

I did not know that my aunts were gay until very late.

Laughter Cause we just never talked about it and it took me a long

time to But it was just because It wasn't a thing, I never thought

differently of anything or anyone.

And so when it got the label, it was like, huh, yeah, I guess that

is what's happening there, isn't it?

Okay.

but I very much have taken for granted what that means in just the level of.

acceptance in that, yeah, why wouldn't we, like that, it never occurred to me

that wouldn't be something to accept.

and it's because I've seen, I have, and I, it also made it a

lot easier for me to be whatever.

version of femininity I want to be because I've seen a spectrum of that and Whatever.

Okay, and I just it really wasn't until I had a conversation with them that I

realized oh That has really impacted me way more than I ever thought And so to

hear you say that it impacted you is also just like that makes me so happy And I

bet it would make them very happy to know that you saw them in a light of oh there

is a place for that acceptance and love.

So I just, I'm going to tell them that if they don't know

already.

please do.

Please do.

Yes, but I, because I don't, it was one year old's graduation parties,

but that's, I just, and it was before I came out and I was like, I

know it's going to be okay, and I'm glad that I have these role models.

I may not know them very well and still don't, but I know that if

something was to happen, I could probably call them or write them and

be like, Hey, how can I deal with this?

And cause they, were one of the very first few people that I had interactions

with that were gay, and I think a lot of that too had to do with my upbringing

and not being around a lot of, and I don't mean that as a dig towards my

parents, it just wasn't something, and also people weren't coming out

back then, they just, they weren't,

Again, like I said, we didn't talk about it.

We've never had that conversation.

It's not like they came out to me when I turned, no.

And I think that's where, when it comes to a lot of this, anti LGBTQ plus.

legislation about talking of whether trying to ban books and talking

about certain things in classrooms.

I'm like, you're making it weird.

right,

you are making it

weird.

I'm like, I can tell you from experience, you make it weird.

Like, you know, and it's the same way of Isaac's, one of his really good friends

in his last school had two dads and he was like, yeah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah.

And I'm like, okay.

And so it's just, it's I'm in such a place of privilege to be able to say, yeah,

it's only weird if you make it weird.

right.

No, it is.

it's, that's it.

That's a hard one.

It's hard to, it's hard to talk, about that because it's not, I really don't,

I believe in my heart and soul that we aren't out here shoving it down anybody's

throat or pushing it onto anybody.

I don't even introduce myself as hi, I'm out.

I'm a lesbian,

I brought it up on here.

even just in this conversation and it, I brought it up.

no one else did.

I made, if anybody made it weird, it was me.

I know I didn't make it, but I'm using that as an example of, the cis,

heteronormative lady in the conversation is the one who brought it up.

I,

But it is.

It's hard.

It's hard.

Even I will say when I was getting married, we were refused,

at a venue in Kentucky because it was the same sex marriage.

Not that long ago.

so it's still,

Still

The hypocrisy and the insanity of it.

I just cannot, I cannot understand.

And I probably will never understand,

either.

I think everybody should just let everybody be happy.

Who's it hurtin I genuinely don't understand.

Who's it hurtin Sorry, I just, I could talk a lot about it,

We could have

I know we really could.

And I,

could just talk about

now do I, that is another thing that I would love, we don't talk about,

I would love to be like, tell me more about, cause I can only imagine the

stuff that they went through, And so there's just so much of it that I wish

we could talk through because I, and maybe this is my venue to make it happen.

I don't know.

any of my family members, I would love to chat about anything hard.

Maybe some things I don't want to hear about, but actually

there's a lot of things I don't want to hear about, but I do.

The more that I do this podcast and the more that I talk to people and that

they're frank and honest about what they go through, the more that I realize

that we are all very similar and that we internalize other people's shit so much.

And that's the problem, not what's within us.

Not what somebody else's actual opinion of us.

It's what we internalize from other people.

and it genuinely, Hurts my heart that you did not love, I don't think anyone really

loves themselves for a long time because I think it's very hard to do that, because

I can definitely understand like, I don't think I loved myself until probably

two years into my relationship with Joe and then, realized it's, I hate Joe.

I hate saying this out loud, but I will it took me realizing I don't need

a man's approval of me to like myself by being with a man approving of me.

I know that sounds backwards anyway, but it wasn't until then that I was

like, Oh, none of that shit matters.

None

No.

Why?

Why?

And I don't know.

I just, it hurts my heart to hear that you didn't love yourself when I know

how loved you are by other people.

Thank you.

Which is it's a very different thing.

I get it.

I just, I am the same way.

I just want everyone to be happy.

I say that too.

I do.

I just want everyone to be happy.

As long as you're not hurting somebody else.

Do your thing.

Cool.

I think for me, especially, I don't want to speak on you, but I've had

a tough life, I've had a lot of life experiences that we don't have to go

into, but, I've, I've had a tough and rough life, and I think a lot of that

has to do with it, because I would not want anybody to go through the

things that I have gone through and seen and witnessed, because it's a lot.

not even just all the death that we've talked about.

So I think that's why, that's personally why I think the way that

I do, because I just want everyone to be happy because no one deserves to go

through the pain that we go through.

And I know it's inevitable.

Pain is everywhere.

Pain is what makes us stronger, at least for me, that's what I learned from.

and I can't, you can't let it swallow you and take up your whole

life, You can't become your pain.

but that's why I think.

and I know I seem very positive, and I am.

I'm also in a lot of therapy.

I have a therapy appointment after this, and I will probably lose it, and that's

like my once a week time to just cry and get through, like what I've gone through,

and I would suggest that for everybody.

. Lacey: am a big therapy proponent.

I am also in therapy.

for a long time I did cognitive behavioral therapy, which was good

about fixing surface level things.

But recently I've gotten into like actually looking at

different trauma in my life.

And I realized how that affects so many different things.

And, It's weird how, and I'm not ready to talk about those things

and that's not something I am cool with sharing with the world.

Maybe someday, but, it takes work and it takes being brave because even I

did therapy before and I wasn't brave and I didn't talk about those things.

So I just, yeah.

I think a lot of times we attribute, and I very much say this to

myself, of like bravery being this like certain thing that it is.

And it's really a lot of things.

and I don't know.

I think that you're a brave person.

yeah.

Thanks.

I think you are

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Can we just talk every day and just compliment each other?

Because it makes me feel great.

Mhm.

Mhm.

Loss and tragic and tragedy in our

yeah, no, the

minute you bring it up,

generational that we don't even know about.

And it probably explains how we get through things too.

Back then probably just got through it and just pushed it under the rug, which

I will say, I don't like that we do that.

And that is my perspective.

And I, that is not who I am.

If something is bothering me or if something happens,

I need to talk about it.

Like I need to talk about it to get through it, yeah, I just feel

like that is like the Bradley way to just push things under the rug.

And if I will say, if that makes me the bad guy for saying it and I get people

upset, I'm sorry, but that's, it just.

It's just what we do.

Yeah, that's why when they, it's so funny when I hear people

talk about, loud families who fight.

I'm like, we have loud families who fight quietly.

Quietly.

Yes.

in numbers, quiet in, in.

and, but yeah, I agree and that's something I've been on a journey of, I've

started being like, that was a weird thing to say, or no, I don't think you're right.

like I've started to be that person too.

So you're not alone.

/ Mhm.

well, people always say that you and I look so much alike.

So I feel like

I was just about to say that.

I really was.

And I agree.

And I will take it because you said, I agree with you on Thanksgiving.

You're like, I just have a great face.

And I agree.

You have a beautiful face and I've started to love mine too.

I, it's one of those, I guess it's, I've always been a big girl.

I, like, there's never been a time in my life where I wasn't the biggest in a room.

even when I, like, I cannot.

Remember, and so I've gotten really good at compartmentalizing certain

things to love,

Yeah.

And I was like, I got a good face.

I got a good face.

I got good hair.

I may be a really weird shape on my body, but I got these other things.

Yes, that, yes.

Same.

I agree.

I will say it was hard for me to find those things when I was 100

pounds heavier though, but yes.

it

We do have great hair.

We have great hair, great.

And that Bradley hair stays.

Yes, I know, I'm excited.

I so much, Al.

I just, I agree.

I, and I told this when I told my parents that you were coming, I was like, I just

want to get her perspective on things because I think you are really cool.

And I, And I really appreciate, your willingness to share, especially

coming from a place where, you know, you don't do, honestly, you can't even

have good emotions, if I'm honest.

You just, you are level all the time and that is the way to be.

And as a person who has all the emotions all the time,

and I'm sorry, let me back up.

Certain people can have big emotions.

Right.

Right.

but yeah, I just, I really appreciate you sharing and being candid.

And, I also think for people who don't know us personally, I think

in talking through this, you get a much better sense of why we

approach things the way that we do.

and that I don't know.

I'm gonna, I'm, now I'm really thinking about that, that idea of the people

that we talked about were so special to me because they made individual

people feel seen and special.

And I want to make sure I'm doing that in life.

So

Same, that's a good message to

other things that you, sorry, that was my lesson learned today.

Do you have any wrap up thoughts that you would want to share?

No, I just appreciate the opportunity, for you letting me come

on and share everything that I did.

We actually have an aunt that one time told me that I should

write a book of my life story.

And it's opportunities like this where I get to discuss it and I'm

like, okay, well, there's other people out there too that think how I do.

So, you know, maybe I should.

And, I just really appreciate it.

And I've really enjoyed this talk.

I, I, even though like we're not together in person, it has felt like we are.

And I've really, really enjoyed this time.

Me too.

Me

Yes.

You're welcome.

Thanks, Al.

You're welcome.

See ya.